For the first time in my life, I took a sick day on Tuesday. And another one yesterday too. I felt awful phoning in to say I was incapacitated, but I had made a couple of futile attempts to get out of bed by then, and eventually gave up and admitted defeat. I come from the generation which has that stalwart work ethic and thinks it is invincible. News flash. I am not. The spirit is, but the body is showing signs of wear and tear, alas. Not to mention that I would be a liability in an emergency. I am not anticipating emergencies, understand, but just in case.
Mind you, my attempts to walk across the room have had my son and mother in fits of unsympathetic mirth. I am ok once I get up a head of steam, but initially look like some wizened old duck minus her zimmer. Not quite the look I would choose for myself.
I finally gave in and visited the doctor yesterday and got industrial strength pills to ease the pain, and I also bought a microwave heating wheat thingy. Wonderful invention. How have I managed so long without one? And today, I went back to work. Not painfree, I add, but I am able to walk. I did spend part of the lunchbreak prostrate on the staffroom floor, which made for interesting comments, and a lot of teasing too. But that helped a bit. And then, having chosen the perfect day to return to work, I had parents' evening till 8.30 for good measure. So my heating pad and I are bonding again. I am shattered. AND for good measure, I am being observed first lesson tomorrow. I am past caring, though. What happens, happens.
My daily reading was all about how I am absolutely fine as I am, and that worry was something I should dump at the foot of the cross. I am beginning to sense a pattern here. Be kind to myself. Don't worry. I am who I am supposed to be. Fine as I am. etc etc. Hmmmm. In the light of the decisons I am supposed to be making, maybe it is time for that leap of faith again. I thought I would just have to do it once. It seems not. I don't know why I thought it was just once. My imagination. Or wishful thinking.
David's Biology exam was forgettable, apparently. His 2 Chemistry exams were ok, I gather, and he still has 2 Physics ones tomorrow, and Maths next week and the week after, so any prayers for clear thought and accurate recollection would be appreciated.
The next few weeks will be challenging ones on a personal front. If I could fast forward I would. I am coming face to face with emotions and feelings which I have been very very good at keeping boxed up and hidden. I suppose it is inevitable, and I should not be surprised at all, but they seem to have a propensity for appearing at inconvenient times. Like when I am teaching. I stop suddenly, as I did on Monday, after a child was unspeakably rude to me, and instead of dealing with the attitude, I stood there and thought..." how unbelievably unimportant this all is...." and walked away.
I keep thinking...this time last year a, b, or c happened. Or this time last year, I said or he said or I should have or I could have. Or this time last year, why didn't I say, see, do, try, x, y or z. And before you all start telling me not to look back and wish I could have changed things, I know. I really do know. It doesn't stop the things in my head though. Maybe this is something I have to go through. Maybe it will happen each year. I don't know.
I don't know how my thoughts drifted in this direction today. Maybe it is because I am in pain. I hate not being 100% fit. But this is the state of this mind at the moment. All things return to the one thing just lurking in my subconscious. Trying to avoid it is not an option. Learning how to deal with it is. So beneath the humour and inane babbling, the silent part of me is in a sort of turmoil.
The work issues could not have come at a worse time. I can't focus on decisions, and it does all seem so unimportant. Maybe I do have to walk away and trust that I am enough as I am, and that there are better and bigger plans afoot for me. Just let go, is the message my dear friend Jean keeps reminding me of. I can't control everything and should not try. Just let go. Trouble is, it is not always easy. And until the inquest and the hospital stuff is sorted, it is not over, is it?
Enough of the heavy stuff. The sun has been shining, it is my friend Glynis' birthday, our daughters (Glynis's and mine) are off on a road trip adventure together in New Zealand as I speak, it is Friday tomorrow, and my bath is waiting to relax my back. And the rest of me.
See................... life has really good parts too! And thanks for all your messages. They make me smile.
Dear, sweet Linds, I haven't yet walked where you're having to walk. I don't presume to give you any great words of wisdom. But I'll be praying for you and for your son's tests. I can't imagine you're supposed to have everything all figured out and neatly settled already. I think you're doing the very best you can right now. I do know the Lord knows and understands and will give you grace and strength for each day, but we are still so human. And those feelings just get the upper hand sometimes. I fully understand that. There are so many times my head knows the right thing to do but my heart just won't cooperate. I think you need to give yourself time - time to work through all the feelings, time to decide what it is you should do - just time to mend.
ReplyDeleteI really will be praying for you. I pray your back heals quickly, and I pray the Lord will give you His peace and guidance. You are an inspiration - you really are.
I have not experienced what you are having to deal with Linds so I couldn't possibly know how you feel and would be presumptous to think I did.
ReplyDeleteBut I do KNOW our Great God and I do KNOW He cares and I do KNOW "that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purposes." Romans 8:28 and that is you dear Linds.
(((hugs))) across the seas and the miles
Susan
A heavy post Linds. But I am sure you will come through, & am also sue blogging about is a good thing.
ReplyDeleteGlad you had your back seen to.
If this was the first time in your life to call in, then I'd say it was well deserved and about time!
ReplyDeleteI hope the pain eases SOON and you are feeling better!! Be sure to rest and take care of yourself!
This was a very well written, though-provoking post. I, like the others, cannot imagine what it would be like to lose my beloved so unexpectedly. I cannot imagine what the first year must be like, but I know from things I've read that you are very normal - the first of everything that you have to go through alone. Add to that horribly rude students and you've had more than enough! I still think stress is a huge part of your back problem. But your humor shines through - and I can just hear you saying these things with your lovely British accent.
ReplyDeleteIs it common for the inquest to take such a long time? Seems unbearable to me.
All those sciences at once?? Makes my brain hurt and my stomach want to heave! Science and I never got along, even one at a time. Give me a good literature class any time!
Rest, rest, relax, read, sit in the sun, pamper yourself totally this week-end! My brother is on his way to England soon to visit my other brother, which I'm sure you know already. Wouldn't it be fun to all get together sometime?
Well, this has turned into a book - The End.
This is what I love about you -- you are relentlessly honest and open. I can't even begin to imagine all the mixture of feelings you have had during this past year, and to be coming up to such an eventful date must be overwhelming sometimes. You are an amazing woman of strength, but a very tender heart. Your post has touched MY heart today.
ReplyDeleteI have one of those microwave heated things and I love mine!!