Woman to Woman

Today, it is Woman to Woman again, courtesy of Morning Glory and Lei, and I can't put up the banner thingy because I am borrowing a laptop and have not got my files and whatevers here. I will do that later. You will be relieved to know that I have ordered a new computer. Eureka. I certainly am relieved. Happy. Ecstatic.

Today's topic is:

Dealing With Grief


"Grief is a difficult process and almost everyone has experienced it in some form, be it losing a spouse, a parent, a relative, a pet, a child or through miscarriage. Please share with our readers what you have found to be effective in helping you come to terms with the death of a loved one. How has it changed your life? How have you been able to move forward?"

Hmmm. I have rather more experience at this than I would wish for. Or do I?

Those of you who know me, know that Geoff died 15 months ago suddenly. Well, after 2 weeks of sudden illness. And my Dad died in 2000, nearly 3 years after being diagnosed with Diffuse Lewey body disease. (A very rapid form of Alzheimers). I had a miscarriage after my daughter was born as well.

18 months after being diagnosed, I remember the day that Dad moved to a new nursing home. I was talking to the sister in charge, and we talked about death and dying, and I remember saying that we had done our grieving, because the man we knew disappeared a long time ago. She smiled and said... you have not even begun. She was right.

Nothing prepares you for this. Nothing. Oh, I thought I was prepared. I was stupid. Every time you lose someone you love, or who is very important in your life, it is different. Losing a father is one thing. Losing a husband is totally different. Losing the father of your children is different in addition.

I cope with any trauma by detaching and gaining as much knowledge as possible. Responsibilities weigh very heavily and in a way, I think I have used them to focus on and avoid dealing with the grieving bit. This may well still come back to haunt me. When Dad died, I had things to sort for his estate and mum to care for, and funerals to arrange, and children and ..... you get the picture.

When Geoff died, even more traumatic. I didn't have the faintest idea what I was supposed to do, and no-one I knew had lost a husband, and so they didn't know either. I bumbled my way through all the practicalities, and distraught children, getting my daughter home from the other side of the world, trying to get my 17 year old to be 17 and not 40+ , the funeral and the very real nightmare of suddenly having to find a way to support my son and myself financially. And for the last 15 months, I have had to focus on that and his inquest a couple of weeks ago, and hospital complaints about his care, or rather the lack of care. Grieving? I have not had time. Or rather, I have not let myself grieve. Or I may be too scared to.

When he died, I wrote a list of things I need to remember when someone dies. What not to say. What to do. How to support and how to help. What I had learnt from experience. Maybe one day I will post my list. It may help you to know how best to help when you are in a position to help when it happens to someone you know. I know what worked for me, and I know what didn't. And even though I too have lost pets and been deeply saddened by that, can I please say at this point, that telling a woman who has just lost her husband that you understand what she is going through because you lost your pet dog 2 years ago, DOES.NOT.COMPARE.

So, even though I have a great deal of experience of losing people, I am the last person on earth to offer advice. I can tell you what to do to help someone. But not how to cope with grief. I don't know how. Not yet. All I know is one hour at a time. One day at a time. One phone call at a time. One challenge at a time. One mountain at a time.

He seems to have been gone a long time. And this is the great problem that people who have lost a partner face. In the immediate aftermath of death, there are a great many people around, to do the little things, but a month or 2 down the line, they have moved on, and through no fault of their own, and totally subconsciously, they expect you to have done the same. It doesn't happen that way. And if they actually sit down and think about that they realise that. But other people have their own lives to lead. It is just that months later, you need more help than ever before. A year or 2 later, the same applies. When you have lost someone, you will know what I mean.

They say there are stages of grief. I have read them. I don't necessarily think that everyone goes through all of them, and in some cases, where like in mine, there are still no answers about why or how, it can take so much longer.

I am not given to weeping and wailing and gnashing my teeth and the whole woe is me thing. It might have been easier if I had been. People have come to expect me to be strong, and because I am a mother, and I have 3 children I love more than anything else on earth, and their security is important to me, I remain strong. I really would love to be weak and feeble now and then, might I add. It would be a novel experience.

And then, of course, there is the biggest part of dealing with grief, or loss, and that is the extent of your faith. I have had to learn that I am not in control of my life, and that is a terrifying thought at first. I lived with the delusion that I was in control, even though I had a great deal of faith before Geoff died. The single greatest lesson that I have had to learn is that I am not. Not even vaguely. And I have learnt to trust. And that pride is a stupid thing. And how to simply say thank you. And that maybe the lessons I have learnt have had to be harder, because I didn't trust enough before. I don't really know. All I know is that today, right now, my faith is immeasurably greater and stronger, and that I am absolutely convinced that God has great plans for me.

So this is a long and wordy way to get to the simple truth. I don't know. Dealing with grief is intensely personal. It claws at your soul. How do you get rid of the headaches? How do you learn to sleep through the night? How do you temper your dreams? I don't know. I really just don't know.

(And for some reason blogger won't recognise the spaces between paragraphs. Sorry about that.)