Brace yourselves...

Let me introduce you to the newest summer look for the legs. You cannot be without one. It is a MUST for the fashionable woman.....

Hahahahahahahaha. Yes, the brace has landed. One apparently needs an engineering degree at the very least, or preferably a master's degree in rocket science to put it on. Correctly, that is.

Louise and I went to the hospital yesterday (in the rain) to get the brace fitted. I had 2 delightful nurses to do the fitting, and they told me to hop onto the table. I reclined as instructed. The conversation was hilarious. I asked them how long it took to learn how to do it. They told me about the 2 minutes they had been trying so far. Right. Experts then.

When they had it in place, they handed me this - the extras. This is like Ikea furniture. You know what I mean? There is always something left over at the end and you are left wondering what you have missed. Maybe something vital.

Anyway, we left, and I walked slowly out of the clinic area into the main hospital. Then I stopped. You know that feeling where you are sure you are losing control of the elastic in some vital under garments? The feeling of slow inevitable descent? Yeah. Right. So I turned round, hobbled back to the clinic and informed them it was heading south. Just tighten a few straps they said. Hmmmm.

I was wearing a skirt, and the fortunate part is that the skirt was long enough to hide it completely. Or should have been long enough. However, the descent continued, as we got to the car, and by the time I had made it into the house, I was trailing it beautifully around my ankle. This is a particularly fetching look, and one I highly recommend. My son was crying with laughter. I live to amuse.

So I looked in the bag of extras, and FOUND AN INSTRUCTION BOOK! Brand new! Never opened! Yes! I am a woman. We read instructions! Well, some of us do. Nurses, however, appear to skip this step.

Tell me - does this illustration look as though the person (who is carrying a SURFBOARD on the box, while wearing this contraption - I clearly need a surfboard. At once. ) is reclining on a couch??? I don't think so.

See why I mention those degrees in fancy things???

And then here is the actual instruction page. I do believe you are required to SIT. Not recline. And No. 3 clearly states that patients should be instructed in the proper use of the contraption. Hmmm.

And what is more, it is very important to put it on in the order listed. I have no idea why, but it is. And those 2 delightful nurses just started at opposite ends and slapped it on. It is absolutely no wonder at all that the wretched thing descended my leg like an avalanche, gathering speed all the time. No mention was made either, of the importance of re-adjusting it after 10-15 mins.

So I sat in my kitchen, with the glasses perched on the end of my nose, and followed every instruction. And you know what? It stayed in place! Eureka! It just took about 30 mins of trying to identify all the straps, which are marked with numbers. However, I do not have eyes in the back of my head, and reading those numbers when they are behind my leg is somewhat complicated and requires contortions not possible if one is not a circus performer. But I got there in the end. Hopefully I will get faster as I become more familiar with the mechanics.

What a pity the nurses did not consider reading the instructions first.

You may call me Robocop. I just need one of those very large ammunition propelling thingies and I will be all set to star in the next action adventure.

You will not be seeing a photo of me wearing it. I have some photos. Maybe it will look better if I wore high heels and fancy tights. Or glitter and tinsel. I am not going through one of my more elegant phases at the moment. Sigh.

But hey! I can SURF! The box says so! How far away is the sea.....