I wonder, at times, where I am heading. I wonder what plans are in store for me. I wonder how long all this goes on for. I wonder if I am making huge mistakes. I wonder how to make more changes. I wonder how to let go of the fears. I wonder if I will ever love again, or be loved. I wonder what I will be doing in a month's time. Where I will be in a year. I wonder if I am good enough. I wonder about my children. I wonder about my talents, and I wonder why I can't surrender and trust more.
Am I who I am supposed to be? Have I failed there? Am I missing something? Will I ever get the bathroom done? I wonder "why?" I wonder "how?" I wonder "if?" And then I get sick of all the questions and wondering and I go out. Delving into the mind is not for the fainthearted. I am fainthearted. And I am not all that inclined to delve anyway. Doing is easier. But sometimes the "doing" is just running to escape from the "just being".
I keep thinking back to the question someone asked my daughter once, which led to her moving to NZ...."If your life was a blank canvas, what would you paint?" What would I paint? Maybe that question is better asked of a young person. Mine comes with bits attached. Like children. I can't paint a future for them, though. Just for me. A collage, perhaps? Layers?
If my life was a blank canvas, what would I paint? Splashes of colour. Mountains and forests. Water. Quiet in the mountains, and people down below. Time alone and time with people. Young people. Old people. People. Children. Creativity. Words spoken. Music. Books. Arms enfolding my world. Whose arms? How do you paint love? How do you paint serenity? How do you paint grace? How do you paint peace? How do you paint laughter?
I am not looking for affirmation here. I am just wondering. My mind is gliding from one question to another, without pausing to search for answers. I am not sad or depressed or panic stricken. I am just letting myself breathe and be a little. And that is good.
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If I were to paint my picture, it would be of a little house in the forest on an Alp, I think, with a fire burning, the kettle on, and people popping in to visit, children playing outside, and beautiful things being made. Music drifting from the open windows, and a tower of books next to the pile of quilts on a huge sofa. Flowers growing outside the door, and light pouring in everywhere. There would also be a shadowy person who would be there to hold me while I slept. Rested. And there you have it. I am alone. Sometimes that matters.
Sometimes the responsibility is overwhelming. Sometimes the strength is just not there. Sometimes the weariness is bone deep. Sometimes the colour is missing. Sometimes the need just to be held is beyond words. Sometimes the wonderful friends and family are just not enough. Sometimes that still small voice says... just rest a little while, and when I do, sometimes the tears fall.
Sometimes that is good. Because sometimes I need to be reminded that it is ok to feel.
I think we all would benefit from taking the time to stop and be still and think and feel. I think it's very healthy. Most of the time we are running so fast so we can't feel anything and don't have to think. That's one reason I love Africa. You are forced to live slowly.
ReplyDeleteBut sometimes the "doing" is just running to escape from the "just being".
ReplyDeleteThis is true of all of us and why we try and "work" for our salvation when it is a FREE gift of God that no amount of works could earn......and yet we try!!!!
Susan
You have been through so much. I'm glad you have the ability to stop and rest and let your mind wander. Bless you, Friend.
ReplyDeleteWhen my dad passed away at 48 years old, my mom was only 47 and she later told me that the worst part of him dying was her feeling of being alone. Everything you wrote here, she also said. When your partner is gone your life is suddenly not going the way you thought it would go and that's when all the questions and wondering starts. Do what makes you happy...that's all I can say:-) xoxo
ReplyDeleteLinds - this is so beautifully written; a post straight from your dear heart. I don't think I can say anything brilliant. I just kept thinking as I read through that your Father knows all those thoughts and He has a perfect plan for you. It is the waiting that is so hard for us. I pray that for this time He will give you peace and rest. I'm sending you a huge hug and prayers that He will give you the desires of your heart.
ReplyDeleteTo wonder about all these things is perfectly normal. I actually think it's very healthy to just let one's mind wander and think whatever thoughts just pop in.
ReplyDeletexo
Hi! Linds
ReplyDeleteUnless we are made of stone I think most of us ladies have these times of deep questioning. I believe it is ok and it is certainly healthy to let ourselves 'feel'. The danger comes when we end up living from those feelings. It is ok to feel, it is ok to doubt, it is ok to question and thenknow that we are on a journey and that God knows what is best for us in any given situation and that he is ever faithful to complete what He has begun in our lives. The past is what makes us who we are now and none of it was a mistake.
To just "be" is a very scarey place and it ususally takes time and heartache to come to that place of peaceful land restful being.
Hope this does not sound 'preachy' - I'm just sharing my own thoughts having battled in these areas and come to a place of acceptance and thankfulness for the joys and deep pain in my past.
Lots of love and prayers and I hope you get to Winchcombe.