I am back again!

My sister has been and gone. I need a holiday to recover! Even though I was working a great deal of the time, we still managed to get to most shops in the county, and she had a good time. We had a bbq for friends here on Saturday evening, and it DID NOT RAIN! I hope you are as amazed as we were. My friends were here from Scotland for a flying visit, and so it was great to all catch up with each other.

On Sunday, we drove down to lunch with Andrew and Ann in London, and once again, we had sun. In London, mind you. Not on the road home. Oh no, the rain was definitely back with a vengeance then. David managed to take this photo of Marge, which I happen to think is lovely. She says I am saying that just because her face is blocked out. But I really do like it anyway. And yestaerday was a 3am start to get them to the airport to catch the plane back to Switzerland. I was home by 6, and did a couple of loads of laundry, wrote some letters, filled in a form or 2 and loaded the dishwasher, before I left for school at 7.45. So by last night, I was a trifle comatose.

And now I have just 2 more days of school left. One and a half, really. My girls are not happy I am leaving, and I am wary of walking about in the grounds at the moment, as they all come and wail, and that sets me off too, and I can do without it. I just have to get through the next 2 days. I dropped off some things I had been carrying about for some girls after sports day yesterday at student services (it was washed out half way through, and I was in the middle of the field, drenched and clearly wearing a transparent skirt. I decided I was too old to worry about it..... but I digress....), and the staff there said....if you knew how many distraught girls we have had in complaining that you are leaving..... And I just said... I can't talk about any of this, and went off to teach. Sigh. It is hard, you know?

Anyway, word is out that I am going, and I now have anything between 20 and 40 kids in each lunch time to sew. They keep flying through the door and saying...Miss, can we PLEASE make cushions/bags/wallets etc etc etc. And so I say yes. Of course. And that is another reason I am comatose. And every teacher on the planet seems to be beating a path down to my room too, clutching things they want me to repair. And remembering that they meant to ask me to do a, b, c. Bigger sigh.

I looked at the overlocker at the end of the day, and it was jammed solid with a piece of material, and the needles were broken and I walked into the staffroom and told the other teachers to come out and attempt to unblock it, on the grounds that they are going to have to do this when I am gone. No-one has a clue what to do. I showed them how, and it took 20 mins, and the department head said...No, I am just going to phone you and beg. So, I am trying to tidy up loose ends, leave instructions for the girls and idiot proof guides on how to make their projects when the time comes, and which teachers in the school may be able to help when and then there is the paperwork....... Oh well.

Yes. I am sad to be going. I still think I made the right decision, given the circumstances. But it is sad. I am sad for the kids.

But then, just look at the rainbow that appeared last night. I have never seen one so bright. We seem to be having monsoon like weather. Torrential rain for short periods, floods all over the country, and then blazing sun the next minute. Within 15 minutes of the rain, the ground is bone dry. Summer is distinctly weird this year. I have managed 2 bbqs so far though, so that is better than none.

And then tonight, I saw the first balloons for a long while. They were up and flying over the garden, and to me, this means summer is here. It is time for the rain to stop. I have rarely had to wear a short sleeved anything so far.

And so that is the news. I have missed you all, and now that my laptop has been returned to school, I have to duel with David to get a chance to use the main one. I need my own laptop. Having a son at home is lovely in one way, but a little inconvenient in another!

And soon we will be on our way to see Diana. I have not given it a thought yet. No time yet! After Friday I will be able to switch focus, I suppose. And YES, DIANA I AM VERY EXCITED THAT I AM COMING TO SEE MY ONLY DAUGHTER!!!!!!

So, I am back. I cannot tell you how much I have to go and read to catch up with everyone. But read I will. And anyway, the house was cleaned for the bbq. It is just fine, and I will ignore any dust. Holiday time is coming!

Just another day......

School was diabolical. The kids were impossible. I was not a model of patience and love as a consequence. End result? Dire. Just dire. 14 more days to go till the holidays. It seems like 140 right now.

And you would never guess in a million years, but it is raining yet again. Sigh.

If I sound ever so slightly out of sorts, it is because I AM. Even my boss said as I left..... tomorrow is bound to be better. Of course it is. I just have one diabolical class tomorrow, and I have already told them they will be copying out a boring text book because of their failure to do anything they were told to today, and for being appallingly rude to me. One little gem told me to shut up and go away.


And did I ever mention the sweet innocent cherub (13) who decided that setting up a trip-wire to send me flying was a good idea? Projecting my voice (as I was told to do in a louder fashion a few weeks ago) was NOT a problem. I do believe I was heard 6 blocks away. My kids crashed back into their seats like gibbering wrecks. I am not anticipating any more problems with that class. Ever. My latest cunning plot is to suggest that the Marines come in and take over the school for a couple of weeks. That could work.

Oh yes.... just another day in paradise then.

People have been asking me what I am going to do next term. The truth? I have no idea yet, but I am certain that I will end up just where I am supposed to be. There are people who worry about me, and then there are people who believe in me. I am calm. You may feel free to remind me of these words if I turn into a basket case in a couple of months time.

In reality, I have a lot more on my mind. Bad things. Good things. Sad things. Exciting things. Frustrating things. Challenging things. Lots and lots of things. My mind is not a simple place. It is more like a jungle of memories, lists, problems, dreams, hopes and fears. Jungle being the operative word.

But

I have so much to be thankful for.

1. Great friends
2. Healthy family
3. Dreams
4. A holiday to visit my daughter in NZ
5. Faith

Now ....if only the sun would shine.......

Sleepless nights and consequences

Where has the weekend gone? The fact that I seem to have developed sleeping sickness could account for a large part, I suppose. This is not the medical condition, I hasten to add.... it is an exhaustion-related-not-sleeping-decision-making-condition, and results in the patient falling asleep whenever he/she sits down for 2 seconds. I have the Concert for Diana on in the background right now, and there are parts which have caused me to shut my eyes and wince. Therefore fall asleep. (Most parts are just fine, though!)

I digress.

Things of note:

1. Car bombs diffused in London. Close to where my son works.
2. Terrorist attack on Glasgow airport. Close to where Ros lives.
3. Britain is now on critical level of alert.
4. More rain.
5. Princes' concert for their mother.
6. Oh yes. I resigned.

That leap of faith? I took it. Interestingly, my daily readings last week were all about leaps of faith, and how we tend to want guarantees before we leap. Hmmm. I know that. But I think I have entered the "leap then think" phase of life. I had no choice really. The school is restructuring, and they offered me reduced teaching hours and more support hours and a very large drop in salary, and which ever way I looked at it, it didn't work.

Making the decision to leave my girls was devastating, and I developed a severe case of "hayfever" to disguise the tears in one of my classes. One of the girls said to me ... You will never leave us, Miss, will you? You love us. I looked over to the letter lying ready on my desk and just said...Sometimes things happen and we have no control over the outcome, sweetie. She looked at me and said... Everyone leaves. No-one cares. We are just the throwaway kids. It nearly broke my heart. But I also have a son of my own. I will be there till the end of this term.

And then? Who knows. But in all those leaps over the past year, I have learnt a lot. He doesn't break His promises.

The timing could have been better. This time last year....... we were about to get the news that Geoff needed another valve replacement. 6 days from now it will be a year.

A Eureka moment.

Hello. I am back. I have been talking to my friends about work and the unease I am feeling at the moment, and one "Eureka" moment has really had an impact on me and what I am thinking. And being a generous soul, I am sharing it with you.

I have discovered the difference age ( and the wisdom or experience that age brings) makes to the workplace. I see things from a diametrically opposite side to the young ones at the school where I work. Their identity is caught up in what work they do. How high up the ladder they are. They fight for their position, and defend it with everything they have in the arsenal. Whatever it takes. They ARE their work. They are defined by their position. Me??? Oh no. I am SO much more than the work I do. And this is something that comes with the wisdom of age, I think. My work is a part of me. It is not me. I don't want it to BE me. You know what I am saying? I am not saying that I am better, just different, with a different perspective on life.

I don't need to rise up the ladder. Can't be bothered with ladders, unless it is to chop trees. I have no desire to advance anywhere at the moment. If I decide on further training, it will be because it interests me, or because I want to learn something new. It will not be to acquire status. My status is just fine, thank you. Everything I hold dear is here at home. In this place, with my family and friends. I work to earn enough money to pay the bills. I do not need a fortune. I am happy as I am. My ambition is to be a better person, better mother, better friend, sister, daughter. My dream is to make a difference. I seem to be out of step with modern life. I am a dinasaur.

The young empire builders have not learned this yet. They have not been confronted with the tragedies or fragility of life. Yet. More money. Bigger houses. More power. I don't want a glittering career. If I could, I would stay home like I did for 30 years, and do what I do best. Don't get me wrong..... I have to work, and do so willingly. It is the attitude to money that saddens me. The hard truth today is that money is central, not people. The budget is important, not the kids. I would not be at all surprised if (or when) the day dawns when schools are expected to make a profit in financial terms. Don't they realise why people are more important? I am sitting here thinking that I would not swap my life for theirs for anything. I value who I am.

I want to be back in my world, where people care about each other. Where people do good things, and are kind. Where there are no ulterior motives. Where there is no back-stabbing or rumour-mongering. Where people give freely of their time and money and talents. Where help is as natural as breathing. Where people do not lie or twist innocent words. Where you are valued for who you are, not what you own or what position you hold. Naive? Maybe. Probably. But good? Oh yes. I like my world. I am not so sure about this other place I have wandered into.


People tell me that this "other" world I find myself in is the normal one. This is the way things are. It enrages me. It saddens me. It makes me wonder how we let things get to this stage. Is it just age that makes me see it is wrong? Is it my belief in God who clearly tells us that Love is the most important thing in life? Or has it always been this way?


Where is the genuine laughter and happiness? And why does my son say to me almost every day...."Smile, Mum" ???? I have a lot of thinking to do.

I love Bank Holiday weekends!

And this one has been busy so far. Just knowing we have Monday off makes all the difference. On Friday, I went to a 50th birthday party, and I have just come back now from a 60th birthday party. This is party weekend in the village, it seems. Sitting out in the garden this afternoon watching the kids and the chickens,and dogs play was great. The sun attempted to shine, but now it looks like rain, thank heavens. The allotment needs water. And I am recovering from an excess of party food. My jeans are garrotting my stomach. Groan. The chocolate tart, birthday cake etc..... oh my word. My self control was clearly left at home.

Yesterday was a day of meandering about.... to friends for tea, shopping, freinds here for tea, lying on the bed reading. (The friends were not joining in with that one!) Church this morning, and I will not be looking at work till tomorrow.

My birthday is looming on the horizon, and this afternoon, Pete and Glynis told me they are having a buffet lunch to celebrate. How lovely is that! Glynis and I are off to see Il Divo the week before, which will be wonderful. I have no problem with my age. It still amazes me when I see the numbers, but I see every year as an opportunity to have more advebtures and discover more about myself. The fact that I have a son who will be 30 next week is more disturbing. How on earth did that happen? He was a gorgeous baby just a short while ago. Now he is a gorgeous married man.

The blogging world fell silent for a while this past week, as we all waited and prayed for Heather to have her brain op. I, for one, just did not feel that anything I might have said had any importance. Her short post yesterday was just stunning. " I am still standing". How amazing is that.

Things are changing at work, and I am not sure if I am comfortable with some of the things that are happening. I was just beginning to feel more confident about what I am doing, and now all that is out the window and I have to start again in another direction. Maybe. Maybe I need to move on. I don't know. Lots to consider. I keep reminding myself that "it is just a job" and not my entire life. I need to remember not to let it take over everything. People are more important. And I need a life too. My son needs a mother. My mother needs a daughter. My friends need a friend. My sister needs a sister. I need to be me. Sigh. I am rambling again. It must be an excess of carbohydrates. And sugar.

BUT

Tomorrow is a holiday! I get to go and water the allotment. I get to stay in bed late. I can read. I can play. (I feel like Boomama's Alex, and feel I should be speaking in CAPS with exclamation marks all over the place!) I am going to have FUN!

Work is taking over my house

My floor is covered with papers from lesson planning. There are no seats uncluttered. My brain is fried, and this is seriously hard work. Tori, a friend and fellow staff member from school came round this morning and we started on our year 10 syllabus, and by the time she left it was nearly 4, and I thought it was about 1. Sigh. And I still have the Years 7, 8 and 9 teaching schemes to do never mind the lesson plans. I might have been a trifle optimistic when I thought I could do the whole of the next half term now.

But, tomorrow is play day, I have declared. I am doing NO work. I am going out to play. Do not ask me what I will be doing but it will be frivolous and deeply un-meaningful. And it will involve coffee at a place other than home. And maybe a shop. Or 2.

I may even put a paperbag over my head and go and make a hair appointment. It is a year, after all, since the highlights were done. But the appointment will no doubt be for 3 months hence (nice word, that), given that good hairdressers are notoriously hard to find. I can live with that. It will be enough of a shock to make the appointment. And I can use the 3 months to save for the exorbitant amount of money they will no doubt charge me to restore my hair to some vaguely youthful look. I may even cut it this time. It is below my shoulderblades at the moment, and it has NEVER been this long. I wear it up most of the time, unless I want the Wild Woman from Borneo look. That is rare. Maybe now is the time for a complete change of image.

Right. I am now going to wade through all those papers and go and make more coffee and watch Criminal Minds. And look for chocolate.

Paperwork

1. Nice people on help desks
2. Mint cornetto
3. Unexpected phone calls from distant friends
4. Encouragement
5. Weekends

I hate paperwork. Especially when it involves making calls to Singapore. Lots of phone calls. I have spent the last 2 days wading through paperwork with singular lack of enthusiasm. Some people I have had to speak to have been absolutely lovely, and extremely helpful. Others are beyond belief, like the woman at our satellite provider who insisted that unless I could provide a password, she could not help me. Password I screeched? What password????? She needed to deal with "the person named on the account". He's dead I yelled in an undignified fashion. That is why I am calling. Password please???? I wanted to crawl down the phone line and do some serious head bashing.

Then I was told that doctors sometimes take 7-10 months to return paperwork to the Coroner. More screeching of disbelief. Sigh. Do not assume I always screech. Just sometimes. The paperwork has to be done. I just don't want to be doing it.

It is hot and humid and I am wiped out. Margaret popped in for coffee and provided some much needed light relief, and I dropped in briefly at Bekah's 5th birthday party. Lots of little girls dressed in party dresses. Musical bumps. Pass the parcel. I felt old again. They were so sweet! And I had a call from my friend Gill in Zimbabwe, who offered to come over and stay for a while if I needed her to. I am so lucky to have so many friends there for me.