Music and a little more.....

I went singing last night. Music lifts your soul. It really does.

I had a wonderful time and we all laughed and sang our hearts out - isn't it wonderful when there are enough men with great voices there at rehearsal at any one time who do not waver but belt out their harmonies with confidence??? Love it. Everyone raises their game then. However, if the men are wavering, heaven help the lot of us. Last night, they were stars. There were over 90 of us. Rehearsals are once a week but on different days each week to accommodate those with other commitments. And this way more people get to join in. So we all sang wonderfully well and even our very hard to impress conductor(s) said wow - where did that come from then! Les Mis last night and more West Side Story. I am so glad I went out in the cold.

And here are a couple of things I thought of after yesterday's post, under the heading of Things I have Learned (Finally)(Reluctantly)(With Great Difficulty).....

1. I used to move fast. Everywhere. Impatience was one of my less than stellar attributes, and I used to get extremely impatient. Hmmm. Actually, I still do at times. Sigh. Lesson One. Linds, you will slow to the pace of a snail and learn to put up with it and everyone will get impatient with you. Oh yes. Just this morning, the DHL delivery man departed BEFORE I could get to the door. And that doddery old woman in the supermarket? Hello? That is me. Groan. Be nice to me her.


2. People who walk with sticks are invisible. Take a look around when next you go out.


3. Disabled parking bays. Hah. I have a blue badge. I get to park outside the door. Well, I could, if other perfectly able bodied people did not park in bays reserved for ME. And when I asked one if he had a badge, he replied no. So I asked very politely, why he parked in the bay reserved for disabled badge holders, he replied - because it is closer to the shop. What of it. I nearly kneecapped him with my stick. And another thing I have learned is not to judge people who park in these bays and have badges who do not LOOK disabled. I admit, with shame, that I used to wonder myself sometimes. What a lesson. I look perfectly normal. I have said it before. Pain is invisible. The badges are hard enough to get, believe me. If you have one, you NEED one.


4. Boom or Bust, when interpreted physically, as in doing way too much then collapsing, is as dangerous as the financial version of it. And we know all about the cost of the financial version of it, don't we now. As in increased tax, VAT, everything on the earth etc etc etc. There will always be a Bust. I keep re-learning this one. Daily. Sigh. I am a work in progress.
   
   So if you happen to see an older lady hobbling through Waitrose (the aisles are wider, the coffee shop classy and you get to pat the laptops) Tesco or Sainsbury, with a screwed up face, and a stick, who zapped her car into the disabled badge parking place at speed outside the door, please remember, she may not be as grumpy as she looks. She may just be in pain, having a bad day, but determined to get out of the house and have a LIFE. Even if the supreme achievement of the day is a trip to the supermarket.
   
   She may just be me.
   
   And now I am off to lunch with a friend. There are some really lovely perks in this new way of life, you know!
   
   PS..... the first snowdrops are out in the garden!

Answers.......

I few days ago, I wrote here about how I went through all my old school stuff and threw it out. Well, in among the piles of papers, lesson plans and sheets of starters and patterns, I found a note book. I love writing on little squared paper as they do in Europe, and I flipped through the notebook and thought - ooh look! I new book to write in! How exciting! (You have to understand it is a "thing" with me. Yes, I am odd. I know.)

Anyway.

I noticed that a couple of pages had writing on at the beginning, and I was about to rip them out and toss them when I paused to read. And page one was written on Father's Day 2008. The day I learned that I was going to be a Granny for the very first time. Oh, I can't tell you how excited I was (and still am) about being Missy's Moregranny.

I am not ripping that bit out. Of course not. And I turned the page.

I am going to write a little of what was on the next page. There were just two entries in the book. This is the last one, written over the course of the day at work.......

This is P1 at school. I have 2 covers today - P3 and P4, and I teach in P5. So at the moment, I have a little time to breathe. I truly hate this place. The staff I work with - not my friends - they are great. But the rest not. Thank heavens it is Friday.
I know. I am supposed to be thankful for so much and I truly am, but it is never simple or easy.
Constant rudeness, insults, lack of respect - oh enough. I keep saying it and I am sick of it.
It is now P2 and time is flying just because I am not in class. This weekend I need to sleep and rest. Not to mention finding David a suit and shoes for his prom as well. And he has lost his phone. Not a shining moment. Thank heavens it is a pay as you go one.
Soon, in 3 days time, it will be 2 years since Geoff was told his heart was leaking. In 2 weeks it will be 2 years since he died. How has the time gone by so fast? I am so caught up in the business of staying fed, clothed and sheltered that in a lot of respects I have forgotten how to really live.
But then, because I haven't had time to grieve yet, there is all that waiting. I wish I never had to think re hospitals, and lawyers again. I wish it didn't have to happen. I also wish the legal thing was magically over, in my favour and that I didn't have to worry for a couple of years.
Oh how I pray for miracles. It is all about me and I KNOW that, but I am only human. I am tired of worry. And yes, I know worry is a sin. Again, I am only human. I try. I really do. I need to be led by the hand along the right path for me. Guided, so I don't go off track. Humility. Love. Compassion.
Oh well. It is P5 now and time to teach. It is soon the weekend. I can't wait.

The date was Friday 20th June 2008.

10 minutes later, I blew out my knee in class and you all know the rest of that story. Apart from attempting to go to work the following Monday, I have not been back.

If I had found the book a year ago, it would not have actually meant a great deal. The time would not have been right. But right now, it does. It is. Because I am older, wiser and ready to slow down and see what is right there in front of my eyes. Now.

I asked for a miracle. And I got one. Not quite the way any of us would have wished for, granted, but a miracle, nonetheless. I have never had to endure the insults, lack of respect, and the sense of worthlessness that engenders since. That in itself, has been such a huge blessing. You see, I also, among the papers, found a list of all the incidents I had coped with while teaching, and it made my skin crawl. That part is best forgotten.

So that is the first part of the miracle. I was whipped out of the place that was eating me alive, and I never went back. And because I have been stuck at home, I have also had the chance to be there for my friends and family as they have faced crises, health-wise or other. I would not have been able to do that as well working full time.

Not only was I on the couch, but I was also incapable of doing the things I loved, like reading. The focus, people, the focus. Or lack of it. And zero concentration. But finally, I really understood what my friend with MS meant when she spoke of the same thing. I KNOW now.

So this miracle involves me off my feet and on a couch. Unable to read. Unable to focus. Unable to DO things. It doesn't sound much like a miracle, does it? But it was. Is. All that was left in retrospect, was time to rest. To breathe. To sleep. To think. To be. And heaven knows I did a great deal of most of those things. A great deal. Well, a variation of them, anyway.

Did I use that time wisely? Of course not. I seem to always have to learn the hard way. This is Linds here, the one who tries to fix everything for everyone. But another part of the miracle is just that. I realised that I cannot fix everything. Or anything, actually. I can try. But now I know it is out of my hands. So much I used to whizz through easily now appears to be written in some incomprehensible language. To me.

I have had time to listen. Time to learn from listening. Time to work out how to crochet. Time to play in my garden. Time for lawyers. Time for research. This is not a shining use of the time either. Because I try to control everything around me, more so than ever after Geoff died. Surrendering the control is very, very hard. But I try.

Refining by fire, perhaps.

I am not saying God made my knee explode that Friday afternoon. But I am saying that I really do believe He didn't stop it. He knew things had to change. And once they had changed, He has been extremely patient, as I have tried to work my way to the point where, instead of wailing and gnashing the teeth, I was ready to find the notebook. And realise just how prayers are answered in the weirdest of ways.

He has always had my best interests at heart, and over the course of the years since that Friday, I have fought so hard. Tried so many different things. Read, researched and experimented. But I was just putting off the time where I could see it as a true blessing, including the financial turmoil of losing an income. Because hey, Linds is still here. Different. But still Linds. Dreams intact. But subtly altered. With a new awareness which grows by the day of oh so many things.

When you have no option other than to turn round and say to God, hey, here I am. I have run out of all those options I was so sure would work. It was all about me, but now it has to be all about You. So what happens now? And you head for the couch to close your eyes and just rest. And listen. And you quieten the voices in the head (there are still elements of classroom control left in the far corners of the brain, you see) so you can hear clearly, as you tell your heart to stop racing, your head to stop worrying, and your body to stop hurting. Just rest and be present.

You see, once I stopped doing, and started being, so much has happened, become clearer. Friendships have cemented and grown immeasurably. Pride - oh the pride - has taken a huge hit, and saying yes to help is becoming easier. Even asking for help at times. Tough though that still remains. Thankfulness? Oh yes. Learning to say no. Another tough one.

So how can I not say that that Friday afternoon so long ago was not the answer to prayer? It has taken years to know this, recognise it. But it was, you see. I know that now.

And I will forever be thankful.

Edited to add: I have just been over to The Bloom Book Club to listen to Chapter Two. Well, my friends. Well. It could have been written for me right at this point. I tried to write what she was saying but go instead, and listen for yourselves. You will see what I mean. Grace. Acceptance. Thanksgiving. Joy. It blew me away.

Stuck.....

If too many people try to get out of the door in a stampede, no-one gets out. They all block the door. And so it is with words today. Too many are trying to get out, find space on the screen and in my mind, and as a result, I can't write anything. Topics yell like Wall Street traders, trying to be the Ones I hear and choose. And they all shout so loud, and all have such justification. And I can't hear myself think at all.

That makes sense to me. I hope it makes sense for you too.

All day, and what a beautiful day it has been - blue skies, sunshine and no wind, thank heavens - as I have completely overdone things, I have had the words leaping about in my head, tumbling over each other. While my schedule for the day may look like nothing to most of you, it was packed for me, and pacing bit the dust.

I should have stopped 10 minutes after I went out to try and save the greenhouse. And the stuff in, around and under it. I didn't stop.The sun was shining. And then I had bills to pay and that meant a visit to the nearest town, which meant walking and standing in queues. The queue bit was a disaster. My stick and I tried a balancing act. I had Things To Do. So I didn't do the sensible thing and go and have a coffee and rest a while, did I. That would be no.

And so the day went on. People to see. Calls to make. Fixing things. And here I am in a mess and the words I really want to spill out are log-jammed. I never learn, you see. Do something for 10-15 minutes and rest. Hahaha. I HAVE to start following instructions or I will never get it right. And getting it right is the way I learn to manage this, and not let it manage me.

The couch calls. Tomorrow is going to be a very slow day. Very slow.

A mix for Monday and micropore......

The wind is still blowing gusts strong enough to move things, so the greenhouse, or what is left of it is still where it collapsed. It can stay there until the wind stops.
And the first of the quilts, which measures roughly 42x34 inches, is finished. The second is nearly done too. And the hands, oh the hands..... I hand quilt in a very simple fashion, you see - I love the way the hand stitching looks - but it strips the skin off the thumb and next 2 fingers. I don't wear a thimble because it just doesn't work for me, so I have a new system. I wrap my middle finger in a folded up piece of toilet paper, and then micropore it in place. That works. Sort of. One doesn't really want to add one's DNA to every quilt. I different kind of signature!I was on the couch stitching away last night, and it was dark and for some reason, it seemed like midnight. It was 9pm. I had completely lost track of time. I think I must have made supper at about 4pm. For the first time in my life, I ran out of olive oil. I was making a stir-fry of a mountain of fresh vegetables, and there was NO OLIVE OIL. Disaster.

That set me thinking of how, oh, about 15 years ago, I never used olive oil. I used sunflower oil. I think most people did back then, and then that got me thinking about how the eating and cooking habits have changed over the course of my life time. I remember when the only peas we had as children, came from tins. Frozen things were not really around, and how the vegetables and fruits were seasonal. We had fruit trees in the garden when I was young - plum, fig, apricot, lemon. I think. I remember waiting and waiting for the fruit to ripen, then eating fresh figs straight off the tree. Wonderful. I can picture that tree now in the back yard near the fence......

Now there is the awareness of fair trade and food miles, and organic produce never mind the things we grow ourselves. Things have changed. And for the better too. And "sell by" dates which in most cases are so overly cautious they end up with mountains of food being tossed out unnecessarily. Tins will keep for years - decades even. Having a 6 month sell by date is ridiculous. I use fresh foods well after their sell by date too. You can smell when the milk is off, the cheese is inedible and things are bad. I cut off the bad parts of fruit and eat the rest.

Anyway. I am still alive. So that is good.

Well, that depends on whether you are my lawyer or not. She got a stinging email (I am now sending one weekly to try to get things moving faster than the pace of a paralysed slug) asking for a progress report. Experts who have agreed to revue the case who take 9 months without producing a thing and who are apparently out of the country at the moment do not impress me at all. And the frustration is knowing that, had I agreed to the paper interviewing me and had the story been splashed all over the Sunday paper months ago, things would most certainly have been moving rapidly, if not over by now. There is no focus on justice here. I am surrounded by people focused on their own interests and advancement.

Maybe I will write a book about it all. Or something.

Ah well - what was my word for the year? Quiet. Hmmm. This Monday my mind is anything but quiet. I should retire to the couch and listen to a relaxation tape right now. Or quilt.

Now where did I put the micropore?
PS............ in the hunt for the micropore, I tipped over the coffee on the desk. Oh my sainted aunt.......

And it bit the dust.........

I came downstairs this morning, looked out of the kitchen window, and didn't know whether to whimper or screech. The greenhouse bit the dust. It blew over, tearing more bits, and the plants are broken, pots smashed, plants in the flowerbed crushed, and worst of all, a sealed 5 litre bottle of concentrated patio cleaner (definitely NOT organic) managed to seep into the flower bed. All of it. ALL of it. Into the bed containing sprouting spring bulbs, fuchsias, hollyhocks, dahlias, so many seeds and a little further along, all my roses.

I stood there and just looked. Then I got in the car and went out because there is nothing I can do right now. NOTHING. The wind is still howling, so trying to get it upright and see what I can do to save any of it is ridiculous. And anyway, it is too heavy. AND I can't get to all the stuff in it. Never mind the crushed stuff under it.

You can see that my mood is not stellar right now. Nor am I remotely happy.

I tried to think of some positives. Like ooh look, maybe I can paint the old shed while it is lying in a crumpled heap. But that didn't work. Or maybe the plants won't die, but mutate. That failed to work either. Or - gee look at how many shards of broken pottery you have for drainage in the big pots! No. It didn't work.

Or hey, Linds, you spend way too much time out in the garden anyway. Hmmm. That definitely did not work. I love my garden, tiny though it is. It brings me such joy to see flowers bloom and vegetables grow. If you have been here longer than a couple of months, you will know that from spring, my posts become decidedly garden-ish.

Oh the gloom and despondency abound round here at the moment. If I had curtains at the kitchen window I would draw them so I don't have to see the mess. Out of sight and all that.

Right, Linds, enough of the wailing and gnashing of teeth. Go and finish the bright happy red heart quilt instead and stop looking out that window.

Oh, the wind.......

I have just been trying to repair tears in the plastic greenhouse caused by the howling gale. You do not want to know. This greenhouse is just a year old. I am not happy. And it now has the Orphan Annie look - all I could find was packaging tape. Me in slippers and on top of my kitchen stool with hair perpendicular to the top of the head. The wind. Kitchen stool now covered with mud. And this wind is freezing. Freezing, I tell you. I do not anticipate much being left of my beloved greenhouse. It is now making ominous sounds.

So every now and then I bundle up and out I go to check. I need this greenhouse.

I grow things. My fragile plants are in it.

Oh well. We are used to challenges round here.

Today, I assembled an Ikea filing cabinet. One of the small ones. Then I went through my sewing room, collecting all the paper, and got that sorted in the new filing cabinet, so I could free up a couple of shelves. Actually, I need a few filing cabinets, but I have nowhere to put them, so will make do with the one. In the process, I tossed out a mountain of paper. All my lesson plans and papers from school, and all the resources, because there is no way I will ever be teaching again, so they are gone. That felt really good, I have to say. The definite end of a chapter.

The words "sewing room" are inaccurate, actually. Maybe I should refer to it as the craft room or studio, because I have all my craft things in there, and masses of books which need to move, and woodwork things, and scrapbook stuff, cuttlebug, and then all the sewing things. And wool. And ribbons. And bias binding and rickrack. No, not one or 2 of each. MOUNTAINS. Oh, and doll's house things too. Did I mention the huge house waiting to be assembled one day? Hmmm. I got that when I was running the doll's house shop in the village many moons ago.

See? My studio. It needs to be 5 times the size. Or I need to get organised. Or I need to use up all that stuff.

And that has been the day. Papers and wind and packaging tape and greenhouses.

The book, by the way, is called The Christmas Cookie Club and it is by Ann Pearlman. Light and easy reading.

Coffee and chatter today..............

The sun is shining, the skies are blue, but the wind.......................... it is freezing.

Weather report: Cold. Again.

I thought you might like to see the book I am reading at night. In the bath. You may have hazarded a guess that it has bonded with my bath water. A few times. You would be right. And now it flops when I try to read it because it never actually dries out completely before it feels the need to go for another swim.

Sigh.

It is not a work of great literature. I do not take those swimming - I have learned that the hard way, believe me. But still, it has some really interesting bits in. It is something about a Christmas Cookie Club, and every chapter is about a different person so I don't really have to remember much, but what I am really loving is the couple of pages before each chapter, talking about an ingredient of the cookies. Like butter, vanilla, nuts , cinnamon etc. The history, the uses, the benefits. I am finding out things I had no idea about before. Mind you, I quite like the idea of a cookie club. I might invent one this Christmas.

It would be simpler if the book was dry though. The pages would not all be stuck together. And it would not be a floppy book.

On the subject of the written word, this morning, I was directed to the website for a local adult education place. Their new list of courses is up, and a friend suggested that there was one which may interest me. The first inkling that the words "Adult" and "Education" do not really mean what I would hope they mean came with the guide to the month. Did you know that it is "FEBURARY"?? I can go to the "FRIST" page, "WETHER" I like it or not.

Hmmmm.

Maybe not. I did see a one day course in wood carving which had great appeal. (I decided against the suggested one which was something to do with kinesiology. (Yes - that was the spelling. I have never heard of it before.)(Hahahahahha...the spell check came up with gynaecology as an option. It has never heard of it either.)

I have just made a hot cup of coffee to warm the hands. And I happened to see 2 lonely Oreo cookies on the way back to the desk. They are history. I suspect my inner Twiggy may never emerge. And you have to be of a certain age to understand that one I think. I am rambling again.

I also hooked my lovely necklace on the towel rail yet again, so am playing with the long nosed pliers as I speak, trying to repair it. For the 44th time. I have a talent for breaking necklaces on rogue towel rails.

As you can see, I have nothing mind blowing to relate. So my coffee and I will let you get on with your day. You will be the first to know if there is anything exciting happening round here.........

Beyond delicious......

Oh boy...................

Need I say more? That is HALF the recipe. I have spent the afternoon delivering them to all and sundry. There are a lot of people on a sugar high round here today.

Time to bake......

We are having a quiet day today. I may have over done the "walking in a straight line heel to toe" thing yesterday. Once could have been enough, but repeatedly trying to balance was not a brilliant idea. I can say categorically that I would fail any sobriety test requiring straight line walking. Maybe I need to carry a medical note with me. Hmmm. Not that I have ever been asked to do this, I hasten to add, but I have been watching too many Cop programmes. It is the couch, you see. It makes me watch things.

However, moving on....

I have Pioneer Woman's Cinnamon Buns rising as I speak. I felt the need for Cinnamon Buns today and they are the PERFECT thing for pacing oneself. Heat the milk, then wait. Stir in the flour, then wait - a longer wait - time for coffee and a chat here. Assemble the buns, then wait. See. I am being angelic today. I am pacing myself. And there is a reward at the end.

1. The house will smell wonderful.
2. I will have cinnamon buns to eat.

I am not making the full recipe - I would have to go out and deliver 6 trays to the world at large. So I have cut it down to a more manageable quantity. And you know, I had to google "what is a quart of milk" because I was brought up METRIC and I have no idea what quarts and gallons and those sort of things are. It is similar to the "stick" of butter thing. Hello????? A measurement in GRAMS would be wonderful. (But I have done that one already.)

So. I am waiting. I had to actually turn the heating on to provide the "leave to rise for an hour in a warm place". It is rising. This has been a long awaited baking day, because finding maple extract was a little difficult. Until, that is, my friend in the frozen north (Scotland) went to the Good Food show and called me as she stood at the fancy stand selling flavourings to tell me she was clutching a bottle in her hand and did I still want it. Eureka! Then I had to wait for her to visit us down south. Then Christmas came and here we are. in February, for goodness sake. A month is already history in 2011.

I will not carry on about speed and time again.

Right. Time to go and lift the dish cloth. I will be back later. Very possibly 15kgs heavier.

Attempt 2............

I wrote a whole long (boring) post re CRPS at lunch time, and then thought - why on earth would anyone want to read it, so it is safely tucked into the Drafts folder, and I am here to write drivel some pearls of wisdom instead.

The CRPS post was inspired by the BBC2 Horizon programme last night on the Secret World of Pain, which I am intimately acquainted with, of course. It was fascinating, and they talked about CRPS too, hence my interest.

And once I had started writing, I got into researching places they mentioned, then the treatments, and before I knew it, 4 hours later, I had written a thesis on pain management and potential treatments worthy of the Nobel Prize for Medicine, and totally not worthy of RCR.

And I seem to be doing it all again here now. MOVE ON, Linds......

(insert pause to toss something in the oven, plan to bake something tomorrow and so search for yeast, and make a crumble because it is still COLD......)

The quilting is coming along nicely and thanks for all your sweet comments. It is a seriously easy quilt to make, with no fancy bits at all, but it does look lovely and warm. And warm is good right now. I am wearing my "laptop" gloves and my hands are still cold. Now if I actually HAD a laptop, I could sit in the warm part of the house. This is not it. But I am thankful I have a computer so I will shut up.

Talking about laptops, I did ask about David's disastrous HP laptop when I was in Waitrose. It came from John Lewis, and died after a year, requiring major work, then died again (for different reasons) 2 weeks out of guarantee this year, so it lasted less than 2 years by my count. Not fit for purpose, especially as it was a high spec laptop and not cheap in the first place. They suggest I take it up with HP. Am I ready for another battle? Hmmm. David has had to buy himself a new one. He is in the final months of his degree and a reliable computer is essential. He had no option. I do believe they should do something. And he is too busy to get involved in a battle. Which leaves mother...... We will see.

I went to Waitrose, by the way, for the coleslaw, which is delicious. And that was all I bought, apart from having a coffee and muffin while relaxing on a couch. So civilised. And I did look at the TVs, the laptops, the fancy linen and the toys. And the food. Then I left. I was very tempted to buy the Little Tykes play house for £199.99. But I didn't. Such restraint. (It can't last!) The outing for the day. At least the shops are warm.

Missy will be 2 in a couple of weeks. TWO!!! My granddaughter and I skype in the late afternoons, and she shows me all her toys and pops up to the big TV screen to give me a kiss too. I love watching her. She changes by the day.

(insert another lengthy pause to eat supper and start cooking the crumble)

This post is all over the place and in the interests of your sanity I will now retire to the couch and the quilting. Hopefully I will have something worthy of note to talk about tomorrow.

I lead such an exciting life.......