My life is speeding up. Things are happening, and the timing could be better. In the middle of my class today I had a call to tell me that a tentative inquest date has been set in October. That means loads of calls and lawyers, and papers and insurance and dealing with "stuff". I know October is far away, but so much needs to be done before then. But at least I know it will be this year. And as one of my wise friends said, just hand it all over to the lawyer and let them do the work now.
The trouble is that I have invested so much of me in the fight till now. So many hours of research, reading, learning and asking questions. I have to take all my notes and papers to the lawyers to be copied and I am finding the thought of letting them out of my sight a little unsettling. I am weird. I know. I need to know that they will involve me in the development of the case. I need to know that I won't be sidelined or marginalised. I need to know that what I think and know counts too. Does this make any sense??
But my friends want me to be in a place where the sole responsibility is no longer just mine. As in, there are others fighting for me. I can see this will be beneficial. But the control is the one thing I have kept. When it is just me doing the fighting, I know I have to stay focussed and keep working. And before you all start telling me to read what I am writing, and remember that I have to let go and trust, (as I keep saying anyway) I KNOW. It is just difficult. Do as I say, not as I do. I know. I know.
It just matters more to me. I am my only medical case. My only legal case. I do not have hundreds of other clients to sort at the same time. I only have mine. I have researched the law firm I have chosen. I have done my homework. So why do I feel as though I know better? I clearly do not. It is like looking at your child's first teacher and thinking.... hey, what do you know that I don't? I know my child better. You will know the feeling well, I am sure.
So here I am, and I should be working and I can't. Too much crowding my mind. I am in medical expert mode. And fledgling lawyer mode. The mother/teacher/daughter/sister/friend mode is off somewhere else. This is not good. I need to trust. Letting go is not easy.
On a lighter note, my friends, Jane and Derek, are here in England on holiday, and were close enough for me to go and meet them after school. I met them at Stowe, and took them to the canal museum at Stoke Bruerne. We crossed over the canal at the locks, and sat and had coffee as we watched the narrow boats moving up and down. It was not raining. This was a pleasant change!
We are lifetime friends. The kind who pick up where we left off, no matter how long it is since we were in the same place at the same time. Our boys grew up together. Jane flew over for my 50th birthday, you know. What a wonderful surprise. She came all the way from Cape Town, a day after she finished radiation treatment. With no hair. How amazing is that. But she is well and happy and bubbling over with the joys of life. Just the person I needed to see today, and how thankful I am that we could get to see each other, even though it was just for a couple of hours.
