Sick days, sun and sadness

For the first time in my life, I took a sick day on Tuesday. And another one yesterday too. I felt awful phoning in to say I was incapacitated, but I had made a couple of futile attempts to get out of bed by then, and eventually gave up and admitted defeat. I come from the generation which has that stalwart work ethic and thinks it is invincible. News flash. I am not. The spirit is, but the body is showing signs of wear and tear, alas. Not to mention that I would be a liability in an emergency. I am not anticipating emergencies, understand, but just in case.

Mind you, my attempts to walk across the room have had my son and mother in fits of unsympathetic mirth. I am ok once I get up a head of steam, but initially look like some wizened old duck minus her zimmer. Not quite the look I would choose for myself.

I finally gave in and visited the doctor yesterday and got industrial strength pills to ease the pain, and I also bought a microwave heating wheat thingy. Wonderful invention. How have I managed so long without one? And today, I went back to work. Not painfree, I add, but I am able to walk. I did spend part of the lunchbreak prostrate on the staffroom floor, which made for interesting comments, and a lot of teasing too. But that helped a bit. And then, having chosen the perfect day to return to work, I had parents' evening till 8.30 for good measure. So my heating pad and I are bonding again. I am shattered. AND for good measure, I am being observed first lesson tomorrow. I am past caring, though. What happens, happens.

My daily reading was all about how I am absolutely fine as I am, and that worry was something I should dump at the foot of the cross. I am beginning to sense a pattern here. Be kind to myself. Don't worry. I am who I am supposed to be. Fine as I am. etc etc. Hmmmm. In the light of the decisons I am supposed to be making, maybe it is time for that leap of faith again. I thought I would just have to do it once. It seems not. I don't know why I thought it was just once. My imagination. Or wishful thinking.

David's Biology exam was forgettable, apparently. His 2 Chemistry exams were ok, I gather, and he still has 2 Physics ones tomorrow, and Maths next week and the week after, so any prayers for clear thought and accurate recollection would be appreciated.

The next few weeks will be challenging ones on a personal front. If I could fast forward I would. I am coming face to face with emotions and feelings which I have been very very good at keeping boxed up and hidden. I suppose it is inevitable, and I should not be surprised at all, but they seem to have a propensity for appearing at inconvenient times. Like when I am teaching. I stop suddenly, as I did on Monday, after a child was unspeakably rude to me, and instead of dealing with the attitude, I stood there and thought..." how unbelievably unimportant this all is...." and walked away.

I keep thinking...this time last year a, b, or c happened. Or this time last year, I said or he said or I should have or I could have. Or this time last year, why didn't I say, see, do, try, x, y or z. And before you all start telling me not to look back and wish I could have changed things, I know. I really do know. It doesn't stop the things in my head though. Maybe this is something I have to go through. Maybe it will happen each year. I don't know.

I don't know how my thoughts drifted in this direction today. Maybe it is because I am in pain. I hate not being 100% fit. But this is the state of this mind at the moment. All things return to the one thing just lurking in my subconscious. Trying to avoid it is not an option. Learning how to deal with it is. So beneath the humour and inane babbling, the silent part of me is in a sort of turmoil.

The work issues could not have come at a worse time. I can't focus on decisions, and it does all seem so unimportant. Maybe I do have to walk away and trust that I am enough as I am, and that there are better and bigger plans afoot for me. Just let go, is the message my dear friend Jean keeps reminding me of. I can't control everything and should not try. Just let go. Trouble is, it is not always easy. And until the inquest and the hospital stuff is sorted, it is not over, is it?

Enough of the heavy stuff. The sun has been shining, it is my friend Glynis' birthday, our daughters (Glynis's and mine) are off on a road trip adventure together in New Zealand as I speak, it is Friday tomorrow, and my bath is waiting to relax my back. And the rest of me.

See................... life has really good parts too! And thanks for all your messages. They make me smile.

I am a crone

I had a bath last night. This is a normal thing for me. I LOVE reading in the bath, and I cannot get into bed without having a bath. No matter what the time may be. I need to have a bath. Anyway..... the bath is incidental to my story. I got out of the bath last night, and bent over to dry my legs. And trapped a nerve or did something to my back. I stood there, bent double trying to move without screeching the house down. It took forever. I crawled into bed, and thought, ok then, it will be fine in the morning.

Hah.

The alarm went off at the normal time, and I tried to get out of bed. Shall I move that leg? Nooooooo, maybe not. Toe? I don't think so. Other leg? Oh no. Hyperventilating. It is like losing the power-steering on the car. It took me 45 mins to get out of bed, and another 15 to get into my clothes. Then came the stairs. Not a great idea. I levered myself into the car and went to work. I am tough like that. (Insane, really.) And I have done my crone impersonation all day. Agony. I had a full day of teaching, and predictably, all my classes were less than enchanted to be back at school, and perfectly awful.

And then I was told that we were doing something wrong in the course work, even though we are following the board guidelines, and using their exemplar coursework to teach. So all in all, a hideous day. My daily reading this morning said to be kind to myself. I should have got back into bed and stayed there.