I am back again!

My sister has been and gone. I need a holiday to recover! Even though I was working a great deal of the time, we still managed to get to most shops in the county, and she had a good time. We had a bbq for friends here on Saturday evening, and it DID NOT RAIN! I hope you are as amazed as we were. My friends were here from Scotland for a flying visit, and so it was great to all catch up with each other.

On Sunday, we drove down to lunch with Andrew and Ann in London, and once again, we had sun. In London, mind you. Not on the road home. Oh no, the rain was definitely back with a vengeance then. David managed to take this photo of Marge, which I happen to think is lovely. She says I am saying that just because her face is blocked out. But I really do like it anyway. And yestaerday was a 3am start to get them to the airport to catch the plane back to Switzerland. I was home by 6, and did a couple of loads of laundry, wrote some letters, filled in a form or 2 and loaded the dishwasher, before I left for school at 7.45. So by last night, I was a trifle comatose.

And now I have just 2 more days of school left. One and a half, really. My girls are not happy I am leaving, and I am wary of walking about in the grounds at the moment, as they all come and wail, and that sets me off too, and I can do without it. I just have to get through the next 2 days. I dropped off some things I had been carrying about for some girls after sports day yesterday at student services (it was washed out half way through, and I was in the middle of the field, drenched and clearly wearing a transparent skirt. I decided I was too old to worry about it..... but I digress....), and the staff there said....if you knew how many distraught girls we have had in complaining that you are leaving..... And I just said... I can't talk about any of this, and went off to teach. Sigh. It is hard, you know?

Anyway, word is out that I am going, and I now have anything between 20 and 40 kids in each lunch time to sew. They keep flying through the door and saying...Miss, can we PLEASE make cushions/bags/wallets etc etc etc. And so I say yes. Of course. And that is another reason I am comatose. And every teacher on the planet seems to be beating a path down to my room too, clutching things they want me to repair. And remembering that they meant to ask me to do a, b, c. Bigger sigh.

I looked at the overlocker at the end of the day, and it was jammed solid with a piece of material, and the needles were broken and I walked into the staffroom and told the other teachers to come out and attempt to unblock it, on the grounds that they are going to have to do this when I am gone. No-one has a clue what to do. I showed them how, and it took 20 mins, and the department head said...No, I am just going to phone you and beg. So, I am trying to tidy up loose ends, leave instructions for the girls and idiot proof guides on how to make their projects when the time comes, and which teachers in the school may be able to help when and then there is the paperwork....... Oh well.

Yes. I am sad to be going. I still think I made the right decision, given the circumstances. But it is sad. I am sad for the kids.

But then, just look at the rainbow that appeared last night. I have never seen one so bright. We seem to be having monsoon like weather. Torrential rain for short periods, floods all over the country, and then blazing sun the next minute. Within 15 minutes of the rain, the ground is bone dry. Summer is distinctly weird this year. I have managed 2 bbqs so far though, so that is better than none.

And then tonight, I saw the first balloons for a long while. They were up and flying over the garden, and to me, this means summer is here. It is time for the rain to stop. I have rarely had to wear a short sleeved anything so far.

And so that is the news. I have missed you all, and now that my laptop has been returned to school, I have to duel with David to get a chance to use the main one. I need my own laptop. Having a son at home is lovely in one way, but a little inconvenient in another!

And soon we will be on our way to see Diana. I have not given it a thought yet. No time yet! After Friday I will be able to switch focus, I suppose. And YES, DIANA I AM VERY EXCITED THAT I AM COMING TO SEE MY ONLY DAUGHTER!!!!!!

So, I am back. I cannot tell you how much I have to go and read to catch up with everyone. But read I will. And anyway, the house was cleaned for the bbq. It is just fine, and I will ignore any dust. Holiday time is coming!

I am here.......

Another week gone by nearly. And the rain has not stopped. Parts of England are having dreadful flooding. I am fine. I live on a hill. But the rain......... I am so sick of rain. The allotment is a swamp. I should have grown rice. Paddy fields. Now there is a thought.

I have survived another school inspection today. I have all my marking up to date. I have a stunning display up in the classroom. I have eaten too many biscuits. It is clearly the new Boss Lady's fault. We never had biscuits before, or rarely, and now she has arrived, is reed slim, and loves biscuits. We get biscuits (cookies to my American friends.... your biscuits are our rolls) in abundance now. I need to avoid the staffroom, or I will morph into a blob of epic proportions. Don't talk to me about will power. I ate mine.

What else........ did I mention the rain? And the fact that I had to switch on the heating again yesterday? It is the end of JUNE. It is summer. Wimbeldon is on. In the rain. It is 6 degrees right now, and more foul weather is forecast for the next 5 days.

So let's recap:

1. We have a new Prime Minister.


2. Rain
   
3. Inspectors at work


4. Rain


5. Tennis
   
6. Rain


7. Biscuits


8. And that would be rain again


9. Wonderfully supportive messages


10. More rain


11. Many things to be thankful for
    
12. Except for the rain

I have a wonderful meme to do, after His Singer nominated me for a Blogger Reflection Award. What a lovely surprise, and I am so honoured. I have gained so much from all my super blogging friends all over the place. So much. And I have so many people to choose from to nominate, that it will be hard to settle on just 5. I will post that soon, and I also need to do the Woman to Woman post for Morning Glory about quotes too. I will be late.

As you can see, I am here. I am reading your posts, but am trying to take a little while to reflect too. Work gets in the way a little too much at times. But your messages have been so amazing, and I am truly touched by the love and care you have shown me. I am one very lucky lady.

(I have no idea why there are big gaps in this post. Blogger is misbehaving.)

Summer rain and memories.

I am sick of rain. Specifically rain that falls on me and makes me very wet. So the hair develops a life of its own and I end up looking like the wild woman of Borneo. You may detect a slight obsession with the weather. You would be right. I have just seen the weather forecast for the week and I am "happy" to relate that we will be having rain, rain, rain and yes, surprise surprise, that would be RAIN for the rest of the week. My attempts to look slightly chic are doomed. Drowned rat is more like it. It is just as well that I am not obsessed with image.

I have been looking at everyone's blog templates in the past few days, and I really must do something about mine. I want to be unique and different. I need a makeover. Well, everything about me needs a makeover, really. I just think the bloggy one is more reasonable to aim for. I will have to try playing about a bit. Yes, I know ...my daughter has already told me to save my template. I still have to work out how. I definitely need to be more techno-savvy. That can go on the "to do" list too.

It is summer, and the whole world seems to be on the move. My dear friend from Cape Town is here in England, Tessa is in Ireland, I will be off to NZ. Friends are off to France, Spain, South Africa, Bulgaria, Italy, Australia. Mum will be in Switzerland. My colleagues are off to Jamaica, Zimbabwe, South Africa. What a different world we live in. Mary is off to get her new daughters in Ethiopia, I hope. In this little blogging world, I wonder just how many miles (or kilometres) we will cover before the end of August. How many countries we will visit all together. How many new experiences we will have and how much we will learn about the places we see, and the people we meet. Just think... my grandfather never went in an aeroplane. He died in 1964. Ships??? Oh yes, he travelled widely, but slowly, in style. And we zoom all over the world at superfast speeds. Time is the important factor.

Maybe we need to choose to take a little more time to savour it all, and do a little less of the hurtling about. My grandparents had the right mix. They used to sail to the UK every two years on the old Union Castle mailboats. They had 2 weeks at sea to get here, then travelled around Europe for a couple of months, and then had another 2 weeks at sea going home, so arrived home rested and relaxed. It sounds perfect to me. I did the same trip with my parents and sister when I was 11. Two weeks at sea, about 3 months travelling round Europe, and 2 weeks at sea going home.

Having said that, being married to a career merchant navy officer meant that I did a great many sea trips over the years. So did my children. I remember times when we lay on the deck at the bow of the ship watching dolphins playing in the sea riding the bow wave. Or the flying fish. Or whales. Sitting with a book on deck, watching the horizon rise and fall as the ship sailed through the water. Not quite luxury liner style, but not far off. We made our own entertainment. I can think of a good few posts I could do about sea travel! Memories are good.

Sick days, sun and sadness

For the first time in my life, I took a sick day on Tuesday. And another one yesterday too. I felt awful phoning in to say I was incapacitated, but I had made a couple of futile attempts to get out of bed by then, and eventually gave up and admitted defeat. I come from the generation which has that stalwart work ethic and thinks it is invincible. News flash. I am not. The spirit is, but the body is showing signs of wear and tear, alas. Not to mention that I would be a liability in an emergency. I am not anticipating emergencies, understand, but just in case.

Mind you, my attempts to walk across the room have had my son and mother in fits of unsympathetic mirth. I am ok once I get up a head of steam, but initially look like some wizened old duck minus her zimmer. Not quite the look I would choose for myself.

I finally gave in and visited the doctor yesterday and got industrial strength pills to ease the pain, and I also bought a microwave heating wheat thingy. Wonderful invention. How have I managed so long without one? And today, I went back to work. Not painfree, I add, but I am able to walk. I did spend part of the lunchbreak prostrate on the staffroom floor, which made for interesting comments, and a lot of teasing too. But that helped a bit. And then, having chosen the perfect day to return to work, I had parents' evening till 8.30 for good measure. So my heating pad and I are bonding again. I am shattered. AND for good measure, I am being observed first lesson tomorrow. I am past caring, though. What happens, happens.

My daily reading was all about how I am absolutely fine as I am, and that worry was something I should dump at the foot of the cross. I am beginning to sense a pattern here. Be kind to myself. Don't worry. I am who I am supposed to be. Fine as I am. etc etc. Hmmmm. In the light of the decisons I am supposed to be making, maybe it is time for that leap of faith again. I thought I would just have to do it once. It seems not. I don't know why I thought it was just once. My imagination. Or wishful thinking.

David's Biology exam was forgettable, apparently. His 2 Chemistry exams were ok, I gather, and he still has 2 Physics ones tomorrow, and Maths next week and the week after, so any prayers for clear thought and accurate recollection would be appreciated.

The next few weeks will be challenging ones on a personal front. If I could fast forward I would. I am coming face to face with emotions and feelings which I have been very very good at keeping boxed up and hidden. I suppose it is inevitable, and I should not be surprised at all, but they seem to have a propensity for appearing at inconvenient times. Like when I am teaching. I stop suddenly, as I did on Monday, after a child was unspeakably rude to me, and instead of dealing with the attitude, I stood there and thought..." how unbelievably unimportant this all is...." and walked away.

I keep thinking...this time last year a, b, or c happened. Or this time last year, I said or he said or I should have or I could have. Or this time last year, why didn't I say, see, do, try, x, y or z. And before you all start telling me not to look back and wish I could have changed things, I know. I really do know. It doesn't stop the things in my head though. Maybe this is something I have to go through. Maybe it will happen each year. I don't know.

I don't know how my thoughts drifted in this direction today. Maybe it is because I am in pain. I hate not being 100% fit. But this is the state of this mind at the moment. All things return to the one thing just lurking in my subconscious. Trying to avoid it is not an option. Learning how to deal with it is. So beneath the humour and inane babbling, the silent part of me is in a sort of turmoil.

The work issues could not have come at a worse time. I can't focus on decisions, and it does all seem so unimportant. Maybe I do have to walk away and trust that I am enough as I am, and that there are better and bigger plans afoot for me. Just let go, is the message my dear friend Jean keeps reminding me of. I can't control everything and should not try. Just let go. Trouble is, it is not always easy. And until the inquest and the hospital stuff is sorted, it is not over, is it?

Enough of the heavy stuff. The sun has been shining, it is my friend Glynis' birthday, our daughters (Glynis's and mine) are off on a road trip adventure together in New Zealand as I speak, it is Friday tomorrow, and my bath is waiting to relax my back. And the rest of me.

See................... life has really good parts too! And thanks for all your messages. They make me smile.

A Eureka moment.

Hello. I am back. I have been talking to my friends about work and the unease I am feeling at the moment, and one "Eureka" moment has really had an impact on me and what I am thinking. And being a generous soul, I am sharing it with you.

I have discovered the difference age ( and the wisdom or experience that age brings) makes to the workplace. I see things from a diametrically opposite side to the young ones at the school where I work. Their identity is caught up in what work they do. How high up the ladder they are. They fight for their position, and defend it with everything they have in the arsenal. Whatever it takes. They ARE their work. They are defined by their position. Me??? Oh no. I am SO much more than the work I do. And this is something that comes with the wisdom of age, I think. My work is a part of me. It is not me. I don't want it to BE me. You know what I am saying? I am not saying that I am better, just different, with a different perspective on life.

I don't need to rise up the ladder. Can't be bothered with ladders, unless it is to chop trees. I have no desire to advance anywhere at the moment. If I decide on further training, it will be because it interests me, or because I want to learn something new. It will not be to acquire status. My status is just fine, thank you. Everything I hold dear is here at home. In this place, with my family and friends. I work to earn enough money to pay the bills. I do not need a fortune. I am happy as I am. My ambition is to be a better person, better mother, better friend, sister, daughter. My dream is to make a difference. I seem to be out of step with modern life. I am a dinasaur.

The young empire builders have not learned this yet. They have not been confronted with the tragedies or fragility of life. Yet. More money. Bigger houses. More power. I don't want a glittering career. If I could, I would stay home like I did for 30 years, and do what I do best. Don't get me wrong..... I have to work, and do so willingly. It is the attitude to money that saddens me. The hard truth today is that money is central, not people. The budget is important, not the kids. I would not be at all surprised if (or when) the day dawns when schools are expected to make a profit in financial terms. Don't they realise why people are more important? I am sitting here thinking that I would not swap my life for theirs for anything. I value who I am.

I want to be back in my world, where people care about each other. Where people do good things, and are kind. Where there are no ulterior motives. Where there is no back-stabbing or rumour-mongering. Where people give freely of their time and money and talents. Where help is as natural as breathing. Where people do not lie or twist innocent words. Where you are valued for who you are, not what you own or what position you hold. Naive? Maybe. Probably. But good? Oh yes. I like my world. I am not so sure about this other place I have wandered into.


People tell me that this "other" world I find myself in is the normal one. This is the way things are. It enrages me. It saddens me. It makes me wonder how we let things get to this stage. Is it just age that makes me see it is wrong? Is it my belief in God who clearly tells us that Love is the most important thing in life? Or has it always been this way?


Where is the genuine laughter and happiness? And why does my son say to me almost every day...."Smile, Mum" ???? I have a lot of thinking to do.

More bits and pieces

There have been moments in the past 3 days when I have actively considered starting to build an Ark. We had more rain in one day than usually falls in a month. And it has not stopped. (Well, to be accurate, it is not actually raining this precise moment, but 5 mins ago was a different story!)

I had a great birthday, and our breakfast with the babes was followed by lunch with my friends. Pete and Glynis had asked my closest friends to lunch, and it was such good fun! And lovely to have time to chat to everyone and catch up. So I was thoroughly spoilt. And talking about being spoilt, my children have got together and have bought me a new camera! I haven't got it yet, but it should arrive this week. I was SO excited, as the old one is deader than dead. It is no more. It is an ex-camera. And I miss having it at hand all the time, so I was so thrilled to hear I will soon be snapping again. Rest assured, you will all be seeing the results.

I had a stream of lovely calls from friends and family too, so it was a good day. Very good.

Today I was up early and decided to get the calls to the Coroner and hospitals out of the way, and the only news I have is that the file has finally gone to the Coroner for review, and if he is satisfied that enough information is there, he will set a date. Probably not before September. But I will be so glad when I get a date sorted. This is the sort of thing it is easier to do during breaks from school. It took all morning, and my head was exploding afterwards. I need to sort lawyers for the inquest too. It is almost a year since Geoff died. Just days really.

So - I have been able to cross a couple of things off the list. The tennis is on in Paris, so that is good to watch. On TV. You do not want to hear about embroidery machines and overlockers and taking mother shopping. I have been given brussels and purple sprouting brocoli for the allotment, and will go and plant them as soon as there is a break in the rain. I am a fair weather gardener! Tomato plants are also here, but will be planted in my garden I think. You cannot see my kitchen at the moment. All my plants for the baskets, tubs and allotment are all over the place. Pending. It will get done!

I love holidays and a little more time to relax, and do the things I need to do. And, hopefully, a couple I really want to do too.

Thursday things

Time flies. Whether you are having fun or not. I have been knee deep in reports, marking, rates (you do not want to know about them..... school assessment thingies.... lots of numbers that are supposed to mean something) and lesson plans for the new rotation starting next week. It is raining. This is good. For the garden. Not when I have parked my car as far away as is humanly possible from any sort of cover, and have straightened my hair in an effort not to look like Annie.

I am now an authority on what an excess of sugar does to children at break time. Bouncing off the wall is putting it mildly. You know, I had read for years about additives and caffeine and sugar being triggers for unbelievable behaviour, but I had never ever realised just what an impact it has on some kids. Now I know. I can spot sugar overload at 40 paces. And 40 paces away is where you need to stay.

The weekend will be here tomorrow, and I have had all sorts of great intentions of posting thought-provoking stuff, and intelligent talk. Intentions are good. I am exceptionally good at having good intentions and then postponing them. All I can visualise when I close my eyes is a series of little boxes with numbers which are supposed to be significant, and which I don't understand. So I am posting drivel. Tough.

Saturday is the pinnacle of television viewing here. It is the Eurovision song contest. It is so unbelievably funny, even though it is not meant to be, and we always have Eurovision parties, (I have been invited to 2 so far!) where we choose our favourite, and cheer whenever the songs go up a semitone. And they all do. The voting is so predictable, and political, and our UK commentator, Terry Wogan has a wonderful time muttering under his breath and falling about laughing, and ....... oh well. I think you get the picture. This is not taken seriously in the UK. It is in the rest of Europe. And they hate the British at the Eurovision, and we have managed "nul point" before on a few occasions. I will let you know what happens. Such excitement!

Cheerleaders and change

Gee, girls, I have CHEERING SECTION!

As my kids at school would say...."How cool is that!". I have visions of cheerleaders and pompoms. Bear in mind I have never ever seen one, so my mind has you all lined up as I know you now, in your blog photos, as cheerleaders. Thank you very much for all your kind and complimentary comments. It is so nice you all have rose tinted specs, of course, but they did make me smile. At 1.30am when I got back from London. After falling asleep on the train. And that was after I fell asleep during the show, which was fantastic, by the way. It was just me proving that I am not a party girl any longer. Or that I should go into training to recover my stay-awake-when-you-go-out-in-the-evening options. And the theatre was very hot. So I snoozed now and then.

During the course of a conversation last night, I realised just why the haircut was taking on an importance way out of proportion to reality. It is quite simple, really. Every single aspect of my life has changed over the past 8 months. The only thing that remained the same every day was the face I saw in the mirror. Now that has changed too. This is not a woe is me thing. It is another observation. And I use that word - "observation" advisedly (more about that later).

What I do from the moment I wake up has changed. Where I work. Who I work with. Who I see. Who I phone. How often I phone. How I dress. What I do when I get home. What I do over the weekends. My responsibilities. My dreams. My focus. My church. My leisure time. My hobbies. My fears. My life. It is all different now. And, as I said, so too is the face I see in the mirror in the mornings.

My friends last night thought it looked great. That I looked smart and professional and "up to date". Younger. Maybe that is true, but inside I am so much older, if you know what I mean. I am not sure if I am inside what the outside is saying.

I listen to conversations my friends are having now, and I am detached. Observing, rather than taking part. I have not been to the things they talk about or been a part of them, because my life has changed. And I have always been in the middle of things till now. This is not about an identity crisis, it is about trying to find that balance. I am very lucky, and very blessed, and not miserable and depressed but the "me" who everyone knew is gone. And I am not all that comfortable in the new me shell yet. It will come, when I find that balance.

In a way, I just don't feel that I belong anywhere yet. I am still like a marble on the board, rolling around, until I fall into a slot somewhere and stay still. The amount of work I am having to do at school is mind-boggling, and there has been no support at all, so it is consuming most of my waking moments. I can't give anything less than my best. I am a teacher, and yet I am not. I am not a support worker and yet I am. Nothing is clear. And it won't become clear unless I push the boundaries until I find out.

I am doing everything in reverse, I suppose. Everyone I know is slowing down now, and I am going at warp speed. Somethings you don't get to choose.

SO..................... the hair cut thing is more than a hair cut. Maybe it just is the final symbol I needed to confirm that my life is changing all the time, and that you can never go back. It is gone, and this is who I am now. Gulp. The biggest test will come tomorrow when I walk into my class.

Contentment

I have been hopping about, reading all the blogs listed on the Woman to Woman Mr Linky thingy, and what interesting women I have met! Some I know already, and some are going to become new friends. Young, and not so young. Age and the associated thoughts are still echoing in my head, and there are so many things I could say. No doubt they will spout out now and then like a geyser over the coming weeks.

One thing Linda talked about was contentment, and that struck such a chord in me. A timely reminder. Contentment. And what that simple word actually means. Maybe it is something that comes when we realise that we do not have to compete in a "race" any more. Who on earth are we racing? Why? Maybe it is not associated with age, but rather a state of being or mind. Contentment. Serenity. Grace. Do we always have to have more? Why? Do we see it as failure, if we don't have the biggest and best? Why is contentment a word we hear or use so seldom?

Contentment is not settling for something less. It is just being happy with what we have right now. Happy with the people we are with, and the lives we are living. We don't need to strive for the unattainable all the time. We certainly don't need more things. We can always do with more people, but they are not possessions. So how do you measure success? I think the ultimate success is contentment. With it comes balance. The wisdom to realise that what is right there now is just perfect. What price has to be paid for things like promotion at work if it means less time with your family? Do we need bigger and better cars / homes/ holidays, if it means working longer and harder and missing out on "smelling the roses" or enjoying time with our families?

All those great plans for slowing down one day, when the next level is achieved etc etc are useless, you know. Things happen. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. So maybe we could all do with a family audit. What do we have that is priceless right now? What matters most in the world to me? We only have today. That is the only certainty. Contentment starts when we list all the things we are thankful for. Try it, and I can guarantee you will sit there and say WOW..... just look how blessed I am.

It is one minute after midnight. It would have been Geoff's birthday today.

I am back!!!!

Hello world, I am back on the internet. I cannot tell you how inconvenient it has been to be off line, or how much I now realise I have come to depend on the easy access to information it provides. I am looking for a job urgently, and have not been able to download forms etc. I need to research vacancies, and can't without the internet.

The need to find something that will pay the bills is pressing, so that is what I have been doing for the past week. I was offered a job at a local secondary school last week after an interview, but the pay was not enough to make a dent in what I need, so I have had to decline it. But it was nice to be offered the job, I have to say. A confidence builder.

The trip back was ok, but very long, and we finally arrived home at 1am on Monday morning. I started looking through the mountain of post, and then unpacked the car, then discovered no internet, and then it was 5am, so I didn't bother to go to bed. I spent the day sorting things and making phone calls and sending off letters etc, and finally dozed off while a friend was here at 8.30.

The whole week was really about sorting David and his school options, after (not unexpected) rather mediocre results. He has had a traumatic year, and we decided that the best option was for him to redo his AS year, and settle down. So that is what he is doing. He is very happy about it, and so am I. He needs another year, and he has grown up so much in the past 2 months.

Yesterday, he and I went to the allotment to tackle the unbelievable weeds with Jean's help, and we have made a huge dent in what has to be done. And we have beans in abundance. They are wonderful, and there are so many! A little robin followed us about looking for worms as we dug the soil, and it was totally unafraid of us.

So............. I am back in the real world now. I would prefer to be in Switzerland, of course, but it is good to see my friends. And I can't avoid the tough stuff forever. It has to be dealt with. And I just have to keep believing.

Middle of the night

It is 2.43 in the morning. I am wide awake after 3 hours of sleep. It is also Sunday, and that is the one day I can stay in bed a little longer in the morning. This is ridiculous. I came to see if there were any new posts to read. I have books piled next to the bed, but they don't appeal. Sigh. I am talking to myself.

Yesterday started off unbearably hot again, then we had a thunderstorm which wiped out the garden again. I looked at the 5 day forecast and the coolest temp is 28 and the hottest is 37 next Thursday. The heatwave continues then.

Cheryl, Robin and Callum popped in to see us on their way back north, and that was great. I must go to Scotland again soon. Jean also came for coffee later, and she IS off to Scotland on Monday. Tomorrow. Bekah has lost her first tooth, and they are off to see grandparents today. This is the time everyone scatters. Holidays are here. Liz and Jon are in Ireland. Annette and Andrew are in Canada. Louise and Peter are in Scotland. Nick and Helen are in Greece. Cathy and Tony are in France.

Right. I am either going to sleep now, or I will get dressed and go for a walk. Or start clearing cupboards. Or bake a cake. Or re-arrange the furniture.

Whirlwind

That is what my life is like at the moment. A whirlwind. The one thing you do not have in a whirlwind is control. I am a control freak. Well, I am attempting not to be one, but am finding it extremely difficult. Sigh.

Here I am in the middle of my own personal whirlwind, and I am not doing what I should be doing. Or what I need to do, or want to do, or must do, or could do or feel like doing. Whirlwinds create chaos. I am in the middle of chaos. My mind is like the debris after a whirlwind, and I am still trying to salvage some bits of control. And what do I want to do??? Sleep. Oh great. That really helps. I have new tablets for the head. They are still in the box. The head is still on the shoulders.
Roger is another whirlwind. He dispatched Tim Henman today in an awesome display of near perfect tennis. I do like the jacket. Classy. There is a difference when you ARE the whirlwind. Tim must feel as though he was caught up in one too. I empathise.

I am off to sleep again. Maybe the winds will have subsided by morning and I will be able to function again. I will be back.

Talents and possessions

I have been doing a lot of thinking recently, and in the course of many chats to friends, have discovered that we all have similar ideas. This is possibly why we are friends in the first place, of course! I have been thinking about community, and how we are all interlinked, and how we need to pool our talents, and possessions too, to a certain extent. Like, for instance, how many times do we use lawn mowers? Once a week at the most, (except in my case, as I have NO lawn), and why don't we club together, buy one and share? How many of us have ladders? How often to we use them? You see where I am going here. The more I thought about it, the more I realised we are already doing it in so many ways. Simon has a tyre pump thingy which automatically blows up your tyres. I can and do borrow it when I need to. I have a ceiling paint roller, which goes all over the place. It could write volumes on what it has witnessed! I have a gazebo from the wedding, which likewise anyone can use. Then I remembered how, years ago, 4 of us bought boxes of cheap wine glasses at Ikea and how we always use them combined for parties. I bought 72 place settings of cheap cutlery for my 50th party, and 10 serving dishes. They too can be and have been used over and over again. So without realising it, we seem to have started out on the combining possessions idea. Just think how much further it could go. I do remember when a few of us were doing renovations or extensions, and how we laughingly contemplated buying our own scaffolding. It would have been cheaper than all the hiring we paid for.

And talents. As in sharing and using what we can each do. We all have so many more unique talents than we realise. I pondered, many years ago, having a list of talents in this village, and how they could be bartered, for example, an old lady loves knitting, I don't knit, but I could do her garden. Or simply to have somewhere local to go to give my business. There again, in chats, we realised how much we are already sharing some of our talents. When redecorating is needed, a group of us go and do it. We have such fun at the same time, and it is much nicer painting someone else's home! We put up coving, repair vacuum cleaners. Change tyres. Give away jams, scones etc we bake. We make quilts or blankets. We feed cats and dogs, and move sheds. We give each other seedlings. We give professional advice. We act as counsellors for each other. We help landscape gardens. We do the teas at funerals. We help each other move. We help in schools. We train sports teams. We do the decorations for big celebrations. We water gardens. We alter clothes, and we babysit. We grow things to share.

But how much more could we do?? The sky is the limit. I happen to have an exceptionally great group of friends, and we all seem to be of like mind here. We really could make an immense difference if we consciously expanded our use of what we have been blessed with into the community.

End of May

Well, I was intrigued to note that the blogger website automatically updates your age on your birthday. A small thing, but a reminder that you can't escape time.

I had a great birthday, and was thoroughly spoilt by all, starting with my son and a cup of coffee at the crack of dawn. He then unloaded the dishwasher and stacked it without being asked, which was obviously the direct cause of torrential rain for the rest of the day. I had visitors and calls, and a super meal out with the Harpers in the evening. And there was the twins 3rd birthday party in the afternoon as well. Rocket balloons were a great hitA really special day. My friend Annette, had a super lunch for me the day before my birthday and it was lovely to see my friends, and catch up. Then there was Bekah's ballet display at the Castle, and that was perfect. The child is clearly destined to be a prima ballerina. She is 4. The house is full of flowers, and the scent is wonderful, and a reminder that summer should be nearly here. The fact that we all still have the heating on and that the weather continues to be diabolical is immaterial. In Engelberg today, they are having a blizzard, so we are lucky in comparison!

I started thinking about my 52nd year, and it was certainly eventful for my family, and my friends. Last June I broke my foot while redecorating the house, which meant a lot of changed plans for the summer. Then there were the floods in Engelberg, and all the trauma associated with that. It was great to have Diana home for most of the summer, and then she left for New Zealand in October. Andrew and Ann bought their house and all the rushing about moving them in. Mum turned 80 in November, and there were parties here and in Switzerland. I spent a week there to fetch Mum after her birthday. Peter resigned from his job at the Kloster at the New Year, and that was enormously stressful for everyone, but he was in an untenable situation there after so many years as head chef. The Boden became reality, and all the work involved in that and its successful launch in February. I should have been there to help. Geoff collapsed at work and had his heart op. Major stress all round. Mum developed medical problems. That was February. Hanna died in Switzerland. I developed trigeminal neuralgia. Cut down on the stress the doctor said. Spring Harvest came and went. Andrew and Ann took Mum to Switzerland, and I paid a surprise visit for a week to unwind at the end of April. David finishes his AS levels next week.

So many of us have had a traumatic year so far, and there is so much I have wanted to do to help and not been able to in so many cases. There are not enough hours in the day or days in the week, and wanting to make things better for everyone is something I battle to cope with. It is not all about me, after all. I just like being there when I am needed, and when circumstances or finances or ill health mean I can't it is immensely frustrating. I don't do "sick" or weak and feeble. There are so many great bits too. The babes are a constant delight. My friends are another. And my kids are wonderful. Of course. I am still optimistic, and the dreams are still intact. The sun is actually shining at the moment, and that is good. The prospect of Switzerland in the summer to try to help sort out the ravaged garden after the floods, and Marge's 50th and then a trip to see Diana are lovely. The year is speeding past and apart from needing a major lotto win, there is lots to be thankful for. It's all about the people in your life. Somebody........ well Andrew Gunn, actually, asked what I want to be remembered for, in a philosphical moment. My answer was to have made a difference. Yes. I want to have made a difference.

Well, here goes..................

Good morning world! My daughter introduced me to blogs and after reading some, I am inspired to start one of my own. What a year this is turning out to be, with tsunamis, floods and fires. It seems distant until your family are in the midst of it. My sister and her husband live in Switzerland and their home was flooded. How is it possible for a mountain valley high up 1000m above sea level, with a deep gorge to the valley below to flood? It never occurred to me it was possible. I thought the water would just go downhill like out of a bath through the plug. But no. They are safe though and that is the most important thing.

That is one of my big things at the moment. People not possessions. People are what matter. Their safety, health and happiness. Maybe I am at the age where a lot of thought is going into what I have achieved in my life, and how it can be measured. I have not written the great novel of our time. I have not been the CEO of a fortune 500 company. I have not saved the world or discovered the cure for anything. I have not made pots of money nor have I graced the runways of the world in haute couture. Sigh. I have raised a family of three great children to adulthood (almost) and I have made a difference to a lot of people. I have taken care of aging parents, and along the way, I have acquired a wonderful circle of friends all round the world. I have a dream list of things to do before I die which grows daily, and I am excited to be alive.

My daughter is off to work in New Zealand (see diana's blog) for a few years. She is following her dreams, and as a mum, I am so proud to watch her fly.

Well, this was not quite as difficult as i anticipated. I have lots to talk about. Maybe tomorrow!