Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Rocking chair rambles

There is lots on my mind at the moment, but there seems to be a blockage between the mind and the fingers. Probably more of a reluctance to say what I am thinking. Or something. Whatever.

So instead you get the feeble ramblings of a middle aged woman who happens to be feeling very middle-aged at the moment. Doddering may be closer to the mark in fact. My son, in a fit of absent mindedness, hopped on a bus going in the totally opposite direction to the way he was supposed to be going at the crack of dawn, so I had an unscheduled trip to fetch him and drop him at school before I was fully awake. Too much focus on the iPod and too little on the actual number of the bus, I think.

This is the same son who stuck a piece of paper on the TV screen last night, saying "bed time, old ones", after taking photos of both my mother and me asleep in the chairs facing the TV. At 9pm. Did I mention middle-aged?? Ancient, maybe. What a blessing that boy is. Man. I forget he is 18 now. If he takes any more candid photos, he may not make 19.

I went into school yesterday to tell the girls what they need for their practical work and where to get it, and that was a strange place to be in. It felt weird to be standing in front of them, talking, and yet to not belong. They were very happy to see me, and that was lovely, but it was difficult in a way. I am not sure I am doing the right thing. For me. My idea of education and that of the powers that be seem to be diametrically opposite right now. The only reason I am going in is because I think these girls have been shortchanged in the worst way, and their future matters to me. They are capable of great results, but not without me, or another experienced specialist guiding their practical work. It is "not my problem", but in my heart it is. You know what I mean? They matter. I believe in them. I really do care. Dilemma. The head of department knows her limitations, and is fighting so hard for them, and yet the powers that be ............ maybe I should stop now. I have teaching friends who read this. (Hi guys... I love you all.)

I think I might just have underestimated the emotional cost of the past few months a little. Preparing for the Inquest, having to make mega decisions etc etc. Looking for a job. Sorting out Mum. Fighting legal battles. Trying to find answers to questions which haunt me. Being a Mum. Being a friend. Being a daughter. Being a woman. What? I have forgotten how to be the last one. Maybe one day.

Right now, all I want to do is hibernate. Sounds good to me. And maybe crawl out next spring to a new and different world.


The sun is shining, and the garden is covered with leaves and I should get out there and sweep them up. Or go and sew. Or make a cake. Or go for a walk.

Oh for a simple and uncomplicated life!!! Just for a little while.

Taking a deep breath....here are 5 things I am thankful for today:
  1. Laughing son
  2. Washing machines that work
  3. Reading glasses with 2 arms
  4. Enjoying coffee out with Mum
  5. Dreams
Maybe I'll postpone the hibernation a while after all!


Chris said...

Do hibernate for a bit if you must, but only for a bit. We'd miss you so if you whiled away the whole winter that way!


You'd have to eat your weight in all kinds of delicious goodies in order to prepare for the long sleep, and when it's over you'd be all skinny from lack of food.

Hmmmm.....COUNT ME IN!!!

Kelli said...

I think your son's twin lives with me.

Do what Linds needs. sometimes, that's just the way it has to be.

Love you!

LouLou@theLoom said...

You are woman, hear you snore
behind a locked door
Wrapped in duvet, blanket, linen sheet and quilt
let the world go all to heck
wrap some cashmere round your neck
it's ok sometimes to hide away and wilt

someone else said...

You've had an incredibly full year, with much more than was fair. There have been so many ups and downs for you. Please be good to yourself and enjoy doing things that bring you pleasure right now.

Susie said...

I think that stopping to find pleasure in everyday things will help you get through some of this. I know it's been a tough year and then some.
Oh, and prayer is comforting....

Dawn said...

You have every right to feel any way you feel! I loved the ramblings, and more than that I'd love to see that picture! He should be a abit chagrined, though, that he took the wrong bus. Reminds me of the time we were in London with my brother, the brilliant one, who got us on the train heading entirely into the country instead of into London. Really funny.

Well, take care! I know you'll do the right thing.

Barbara said...

You are lucky that your son did not take a photo and post it on yur blog while you slept.
Re your template, surely nothing else should have changed.
Hopefully on Friday I will beposting some of the best Autumn colours I have ever seen taken in Epping Forest.
Thanks for birthday wishes Linds and take some time for yourself.

Judith said...

I am Barb's mom, at "A Chelsea Morning", and I just read your Rocking Chair Rambles, and I love your sense of humor.

The only advice I can give about your life changing so quickly is don't make important decisions you don't have to, for the next two years, especially if they're about money. But keep on writing. I'm not sure you know how good you are at it.