Wednesday, March 05, 2008

This is the weary "me".....

Hi. I am still here, and I have to admit that I have not had time or energy to read much, but I will be doing so over the next few days. Catching up. Everything is in slow motion at the moment.


The more I think about the death of a teenager, the more impossible, implausible it seems. I think we are all just going through the motions. However, this has sort of prised some cracks in the facade of normality that I, in particular, have worked so hard to establish. Every death is unique and personal to the person who has lost someone. No way on earth can anyone in any scenario know just how that person is feeling. We are all so different. Each relationship is so unique. So many variables.


In a sense it brings the past back. It reopens scarcely healed wounds. I have the ironic honour today, of knowing how to help in the process of things like post mortems and inquests. This is knowledge I so wish I didn't have. In abundance. But God makes it quite clear that all things happen for a reason, and everything we experience is supposed to be in order for us to use it to help others, in similar circumstances.


I don't want any similar circumstances. I don't want to have any knowledge. I don't want to have experienced anything like this. I certainly don't want to have to share it with a man who is like my younger brother, as he prepares to bury his son.


Sigh.


It is not about what I want, is it. It is about what is. And maybe now the time is nearing when I have to stop a while, look back and let myself feel. Unfamiliar territory for me.

This has not been an easy or simple week. Nothing about it has been simple. Work has been a less than joyous experience (I am the master of understatement) and I am tired. But these days will pass, and there is time just to be thankful for what I have right now. Perceptive and caring children. Family. A warm home. Friends.

I will be back.

12 comments:

Dawn said...

Oh, Linds. I ache for you. I have not experienced this particular pain. I have gone through it with two others close to me - I think I told you this before. But I love the thoughts that are going through your mind. And you're right - God allows things to happen to us so that we can help others. I have told him many times, "Lord, I've experienced enough things now that I can help enough people! Enough already!"

I lookied up Johnathon's name on Google and read the newspaper articles. I always wonder if they got the facts right, based on my past experience. What a very, very sad week!

Vee ~ A Haven for Vee said...

Still praying now knowing that this loss is bringing up so many things for you.

Ongoing prayers for Jonathan's family. God is very near to the brokenhearted.

Penless Thoughts said...

We hear your hearts cry.
Susan

Teachin' this mommy new tricks! said...

So sorry to hear things have been hard! I hope things pick up for you!

Needled Mom said...

Linds, I am so sorry that this has had to bring up such raw memories for you. It must be so dificult to deal with your own feelings while also helpng out someone else. I pray that God will bless you during this very difficult period.

Morning Glory said...

I'm so sad for this family and for the old wounds that have opened up for you. It's important to let yourself feel, though, as I'm sure you know. Take good care of yourself, Friend.

Midlife Mom said...

What a powerful post Linds! Everyone who has lost someone close should read it. It's hard to have things brought back to the surface that we have tucked away in a small safe place. Take care, we all are praying!

Judith said...

Linds, Please tell Jono's family I am praying for them, also for you,
knowing how his death dredges up memories that so hurt you.

Love, and God bless you in all of this.

PEA said...

Dearest Linds,

My heart goes out to you, I can truly understand why this has been such a hard week for you. As you say, everything happens for a reason, although it sometimes seems too hard to bear. Know that you are not alone. xoxo

Barbara said...

Have walked this way with a number of friends who have lost children and my own brother when my nephew took his life at 19. Looks like it is opening old wounds for you Linds and maybe you would b e best to be quiet and hear what this is saying to you. My love and prayers go out to you.

Dawn said...

Still thinking of you often!

Isabelle said...

So terrible, unimaginable. Thinking of you even as I blog my usual nonsense. Glad you have those family and friends. Life is indeed fragile, though.