Hi. I am still here, and I have to admit that I have not had time or energy to read much, but I will be doing so over the next few days. Catching up. Everything is in slow motion at the moment.
The more I think about the death of a teenager, the more impossible, implausible it seems. I think we are all just going through the motions. However, this has sort of prised some cracks in the facade of normality that I, in particular, have worked so hard to establish. Every death is unique and personal to the person who has lost someone. No way on earth can anyone in any scenario know just how that person is feeling. We are all so different. Each relationship is so unique. So many variables.
In a sense it brings the past back. It reopens scarcely healed wounds. I have the ironic honour today, of knowing how to help in the process of things like post mortems and inquests. This is knowledge I so wish I didn't have. In abundance. But God makes it quite clear that all things happen for a reason, and everything we experience is supposed to be in order for us to use it to help others, in similar circumstances.
I don't want any similar circumstances. I don't want to have any knowledge. I don't want to have experienced anything like this. I certainly don't want to have to share it with a man who is like my younger brother, as he prepares to bury his son.
It is not about what I want, is it. It is about what is. And maybe now the time is nearing when I have to stop a while, look back and let myself feel. Unfamiliar territory for me.
This has not been an easy or simple week. Nothing about it has been simple. Work has been a less than joyous experience (I am the master of understatement) and I am tired. But these days will pass, and there is time just to be thankful for what I have right now. Perceptive and caring children. Family. A warm home. Friends.
I will be back.