Monday, June 16, 2008

Monday musings....

Thank you all for your lovely comments...you are very sweet! I think I am going to call myself the Memory Maker.

The exhibition is on for another week, and I have to say that I really wish I did not have to be at work. I could help out more. I was there for about 3-4 hours on Saturday, and ended up with the mother of all headaches, came home and slept for hours. And so Sunday was a washout for me too, and I never did get all the things I have to do over the weekend done. I moved like a slug all day. Sigh. I will be playing catch-up all week. You know when you have to get up at 5.30am, come downstairs and iron your clothes for work, that things are not working well on the home front. But then, if I had not slept most of the weekend, I would probably not be functioning at all now.

I was chatting to my son last night, and we were discussing how much effort we need to put into everything we do (like exams) and I used my work as an example. It is not news to anyone that I am not wildly thrilled with my job. However, I am totally incapable of giving anything less than 110% to everything I do. It can be a failing. Believe me.

I wish that I could go to work, do what I am paid to do, come home and let it go. I can't. Every single day I set of to work, believing that maybe that day, things will be better if I work harder, try harder, have more patience, try different things, have more faith. And every day I come home, more exhausted than before. I give till there is nothing left, which is why I end up at the weekend, closely resembling a zombie. I don't know how to do it any other way.

If a child wants to talk, or work through break, then I am happy to be there, so I seldom have any break in my day. And then when I come home, my son says things like "Smile, Mum" as I drag myself through the motions of cooking dinner, and trying to spend some time with him. I have got the balance all wrong.

There has to be an easier way. I just never learnt how to take the easy option. I have always chosen the hard road, and I must be certifiable. It is my own doing. I know that. I can decide to do things differently. I am just very bad at that.

The trouble is that "going through the motions" is completely at odds with what I was trying to tell my son. I want him to put everything into what he does, and to do his very best. The one secret to making that work, though, is to absolutely love what you are doing. Doing something you love energises you immensely. Working towards a goal or realising a dream. And that is why I have always told my children that I don't care what careers they choose, just to make sure that they love what they are doing.

So it is time, I think, for me to listen to my own words of wisdom. I love doing other things. Like being a memory maker. Being a friend. Being a daughter and a sister. Being a Mum. Being creative. If you spend the greater part of your day doing something which is totally wrong for you, there is nothing left to focus on doing the stuff you love and are good at. Things, perhaps, which you were born to do. It is all about using those talents, isn't it? (My grammar is up the creek. I am too tired to bother.)

The quilts I make are not perfect. But then, neither am I. They are part of me, though. And they will outlive me, I think. I am full of dreams. The hard part is making those dreams reality. However, I have already wasted enough time on the things which don't matter much in the end.

I wish I could see round the next corner in the long and winding road......

12 comments:

Penless Thoughts said...

"I wish I could see round the next corner in the long and winding road...... " None of us can, and that is why faith comes in. Why we have to keep pressing on knowing that God has His plans and purposes way beyond what we can know and understand.
Susan

Vee ~ A Haven for Vee said...

We all wish that, I think...to see around the bend in the road. Often I find myself asking for enough light to see the path period...just to know where to put my foot down. This faith business can feel a lot like work, but it shouldn't...should it? Don't worry about your grammar, mine's up the creek, too.

You're in my prayers, Linds. I just know that the Lord has something better for you in mind. This was just a temporary way to put food on the table.

Midlife Mom said...

I hope you find something to do other then what you are doing at some point. You are wasting so much energy on this and it is taking its toll on you. Your quilts are spectacular! This is the first time I have seen pictures of them and they are wonderful! You have so much creativity!!!! You need to be doing something where you can use this talent that you have!!!

Dawn said...

Droning through the week at something you hate doing is not a good way to live! I know God will lead you into the right path. I know it.

Britt-Arnhild said...

Writing your thoughts down here show that you have started to long and steep road of "let go", of make things easier for yourself to give yourself better quality time when you relax.

Good luck.

Crystal said...

You sound so much like I did a year ago. I was giving to everyone at work and then coming home with nothing left too. Taking the plunge to step away and then studying God's word, looking for my purpose and realizing that money is not everything have helped me to enjoy this year and to look at life differently. I wish for you the same peace, trust, joy and richness in Jesus that I have found, my friend. I will be praying for you.

Edith said...

Love the quilts - they are beautiful. Thanks for sharing.

Praying you will soon find a job where you love to go to work - it's very difficult to work when you don't absolutely love it. I've had those times when I come home drained and with nothing to give my boys - it's hard.

Have a blessed day.

Judith said...

Linds, I think our quandary's are so alike, even though we're in different fields, and it is hard to let go of the security we may imagine is in them.

But one day, when I was totally exhausted, and the cat allergies were driving me insane, and coworkers and patients kept wanting more of me, I understood the price I was paying for only an illusion of security.

I don't know for sure what kind of work I'l do. I may serve breakfasts, or lunches at the nearest Greasy Spoon. But I won't prostitute my body and my heart in a workplace that drains the life out of me. I pray that God sends the exact job you're needing, and throws in a small one for me.

Isabelle said...

Teaching's always like that, though, if you do it properly. I often think I'd love to have a job I could forget about in the evenings. However, you clearly have other options, so go for them if you can. You're very talented.

Needled Mom said...

First of all, Linds, the quilts are stunning. I so wish that I could see the exhibition in person. You should look into getting some of your work published. There are so many great art quilt groups these days.

Sceondly.....al teachers should have the same drive that you have had. Too many of them do not care what happens after they leave their desk each day.

Anonymous said...

It's all part of the process which will leave you enlightened and enriched and more understanding of what many others go through daily. Embrace the lessons you are learning and then move on......

Mary said...

My friend (another worn out teacher) and I are searching our creative little heads for some kind of alternative, entrepreneurial activity that will generate just enough income to keep us afloat. I will post (soon) some of our ideas. I warn you, though, we are very creative. We may be looking for another partner. I'll keep you posted.

By the way I managed to get a post published before my computer shut down. Come over for a visit.