Wednesday, March 11, 2009

A little fragile.....

I am here. This is proving to be a strange week and my head is all jumbled up and sometimes I feel as though I am clinging on with the fingernails. Wave after wave of challenging things seem to be sweeping over me, and I am just a little stressed. Strung out.

Today's little blessing was a visit from my line manager at work and the lady from the LEA who employs me. Hmmm. Glynis and I were ready for a stiff drink (in theory) by the time they left. The head was exploding.

And then I had insurance company medical people from South Africa wanting to discuss my medical condition for my British insurance company. I provided great detail. Graphic. And the very nice woman (who was a chiropractor) in the end suggested that I may have been a lot better off if I had got on a plane the day I injured myself and tried the SA doctors. I know many SA doctors. She was right. But that was then and this is now.

And then I had to go and sit in the chemist and wait for my shopping bag full of medicine to be dispensed. I felt old and feeble, if you know what I mean.

It has been a battering sort of day.

I spent a long while trawling through my archives over the weekend. April 2006 - August 2007. I was looking for something. Me. I seem to have lost a part of me. My life, at the moment, is very narrow and restricted, and I read through those posts and wondered at that woman who was so at ease with words, both inane and deep. Whose energy spilled from the pages, and I felt as though I was reading about a total stranger. Where did "me" go? I can't remember how to be that version. I seem to have lost something, and I know I won't ever get that exact something back. Different parts will emerge, but I miss the old me. So I was searching for myself.

My sister, with words of great wisdom, has just told me that I am still me. I am just having to let a part of me out which is usually well hidden. The weaker side. The helpless side. The side not in control of everything. She says it is all a part of me, and at the moment, this is the part which has precedence. I am not comfortable with this part at all. It is completely unfamiliar territory. And I will be very happy for it to disappear as soon as possible.

This time in Bath is going to be a time away from the telephone, all post, the computer. Everything. I can just focus on getting better. It is just as well it is coming so soon. I wrecked my knee on 20 June 2008.

18 comments:

Mary said...

What a wise sister you have.

I remember somewhere in my rambling post of past I too lost myself and was searching, searching for something to hold onto to. I also remember another very wise and caring and witty and profound and interesting lady suggested to me that I could still be seen - I was doing alright. That was you Linds.

Linds, things are tough at the moment and it is true that at times your stress meter is maxing out. However, remember that you - in what ever emotional state you present yourself in - you - are a beautiful person who emerges as a wonderfully strong and vulnerable and faithful child. YOU are fantastic. I am thinking of you and sending over heartfelt love.

Vee said...

Your sister is a smart gal. I've been reading your blog for quite a long while now...a year? Maybe more. As a humble reader far removed, I see you as one incredible woman who has been going through a lot. I don't see you as "lost." I do see you looking for a way through. So many of us are.

Gentle hugs...this, too, shall pass. (Oh, forgot to say that if those people gave you a rough time, I'd like to clobber them.)

Anonymous said...

I was going to leave the same remark that Mary did. Your sister is a wise woman. She's probably a lot like her sister. Please, try to relax and just get through these days. Better days are coming. Confide in the Lord. Remember that He's there for you. I've been reading you for about a year...you're still there, don't worry. Love, Vicky of East Texas

meggie said...

Oh Linds, I do hope your time in Bath is beneficial to you- both your soul & your physical self.

Isabelle said...

Oh, poor Linds. I'm sure you're still you. We all have different bits to us. Hugs.

Susan said...

We are the sum total of our parts and sometimes life and things happen so that we are able to encompass truly ALL of those parts.

You will be fine, and better and look back and be thankful. The worst time in my life occurred when I was 48 to 54 but I am who I am today because of those shaping years. Believe me, if it had been up to me I would have done anything not to have endured them, but endure and come out stronger and more whole we must. YOU WILL!!!
Susn

Midlife Mom said...

You have such a way with words. I felt like I was reading about a lost lamb trying to find her way back. You will find your way back! I agree too that you have a very wise sister. All of these things shape us into who we really are and are meant to be. Take care and know that we all are praying for you! xoxox

Edith said...

Your sister is very wise. Thanks for sharing so openly - know you are loved. God has a plan for you.

Hugs!

Morning Glory said...

Oh my, I'm so very sorry you're struggling! I've experienced the lost "me", as well, and have struggled to find her. You will emerge from all this much stronger, but every now and then we need to let others step in when we feel so completely weak and down. I'll be keeping you in my prayers.

Laurie in Ca. said...

You are in there Linds, you really are. There is just a lot going on for you right now and it can be so overwhelming. You are such a blessing to me and I am praying for you to find the balance to make you feel safe in yourself. I have been in this place so many times that I just keep reinventing myself somehow.:) You are in my heart tonight and I will keep praying for peace for you. I love you.

Love and Hugs, Laurie

Chris said...

I will not tell you to be strong. You've had enough of that. Nor will I tell you to lean more on the Father, because I don't know how you could.

What I will tell you is not to lose that "I WILL have it MY way or there will be HELL to pay!" spirit of yours. Bath may be Round 257 in the fight, m'dear, but the fight continues nonetheless. And if I need to fly over there and provide the water bottle and the stool to sit on between rounds and an extra pair of boxing gloves and a swift kick in the rear or two, I will.

You are loved, and THERE WILL BE AN END TO THIS. Hold on to that, because it IS true!

Dawn said...

I've told you many times and will say it again - your gift of putting your thoughts and feeling down for us to read is so fantastic. I can't imagine how you feel - I started reading you not long after MG discovered you - and it has been such a journey. It's been our privilege to take it with you, pray for you, try to encourage you. You have blessed me tremendously. I just pray that your stay in Bath will be all that it needs to be.

Crystal said...

I want you to know how much I treasure the friendship we have built and how you enrich my life with your words of wisdom and your questions. God has a purpose for your life and all things work together for those who love Him. I pray that His peace will enfold you and you will feel His presence every day, especially while you are in Bath. Take care, my dear!

Janine said...

The good part about losing yourself is that finding yourself again can be a trememdous adventure - take it from one who knows. Seems that we both have wise sisters .....

Olson Family said...

Sending an email. Susan :)

Happy Mama said...

I am so sorry you are struggling.

here is the Kreative Blogger Award for you to cheer you up a little:-)




http://diaryofanewamerican.blogspot.com/2009/03/kreative-blogger-award.html

Judith said...

Linds, No advice, for even if someone else is making the journey, your's is still your's. So I offer my prayers, and look forward to when finding yourself again doesn't feel so far off.

Linda said...

Loving, wise words from your sister. I remember a time in my life when I felt something of what you're feeling. I told my dear friend that I couldn't even pray - and she said "You don't have to right now. We're praying for you."
I wish I could do something practical to help, but know I am praying for you.