I am here. This is proving to be a strange week and my head is all jumbled up and sometimes I feel as though I am clinging on with the fingernails. Wave after wave of challenging things seem to be sweeping over me, and I am just a little stressed. Strung out.
Today's little blessing was a visit from my line manager at work and the lady from the LEA who employs me. Hmmm. Glynis and I were ready for a stiff drink (in theory) by the time they left. The head was exploding.
And then I had insurance company medical people from South Africa wanting to discuss my medical condition for my British insurance company. I provided great detail. Graphic. And the very nice woman (who was a chiropractor) in the end suggested that I may have been a lot better off if I had got on a plane the day I injured myself and tried the SA doctors. I know many SA doctors. She was right. But that was then and this is now.
And then I had to go and sit in the chemist and wait for my shopping bag full of medicine to be dispensed. I felt old and feeble, if you know what I mean.
It has been a battering sort of day.
I spent a long while trawling through my archives over the weekend. April 2006 - August 2007. I was looking for something. Me. I seem to have lost a part of me. My life, at the moment, is very narrow and restricted, and I read through those posts and wondered at that woman who was so at ease with words, both inane and deep. Whose energy spilled from the pages, and I felt as though I was reading about a total stranger. Where did "me" go? I can't remember how to be that version. I seem to have lost something, and I know I won't ever get that exact something back. Different parts will emerge, but I miss the old me. So I was searching for myself.
My sister, with words of great wisdom, has just told me that I am still me. I am just having to let a part of me out which is usually well hidden. The weaker side. The helpless side. The side not in control of everything. She says it is all a part of me, and at the moment, this is the part which has precedence. I am not comfortable with this part at all. It is completely unfamiliar territory. And I will be very happy for it to disappear as soon as possible.
This time in Bath is going to be a time away from the telephone, all post, the computer. Everything. I can just focus on getting better. It is just as well it is coming so soon. I wrecked my knee on 20 June 2008.