Wednesday, March 04, 2009

This is longer than I thought it would be....

Today has been an "un-" sort of day. Nice.

A friend popped in to see me and brought carrot cake for tea - unplanned. It was lovely to sit and chat un-interrupted, and to have the time to listen to each other's thoughts.

Then I received an unexpected parcel from a faraway place, which was a total delight. Surprises are always the best, and I have some very special friends around the globe! I am thrilled to bits. I feel a phone call coming on.

Another friend arrived unexpectedly and took me out to lunch. Unplanned and all the more fun. Time to chat and laugh together.

I didn't sleep very well last night. At all. And dark o'clock is not a great hour when one's brain is working overtime, especially when it should be shutting down to sleep. And I have always had an over-active imagination. So the unexpected pleasures of my day have been very welcome distractions, and have made this a good day. The sun is also shining, which helps.

You know, several people have remarked that it must be wonderful to have the time to read, to make things and to do many of the things they wish they had time to do. However, being at home does not mean that you get to do all these things, although under normal circumstances, I would be relishing the time to be creative. It is not from want of trying. It is difficult to explain, but let me use books as an example. I am a voracious reader. I always have books around me. I am always reading. And I have been home for months, yes, and I have piles of books to read. The same piles, bar for one or 2, that have been here from the beginning.

You see, I open a book, and either fall asleep, or forget what I am reading after a line or two. I battle on, over a couple of days, have NO idea what I am reading, and then leave the book lying open and start another one. And another one. And another one. So reading doesn't work for me at the moment. I want the reading days back. And the same applies to virtually every other creative thing I do. Focussing is very difficult. Deadlines got the Bump's quilt made, and the one for my older son, but that had been in progress for months and months. Christmas presents were also deadline inspired.

This time at home has not been a time of fun. It could be the medication. It probably is. My mind cannot settle to anything. Mind you, if the meds are supposed to bamboozle nerves and help build new neural pathways, then I am not in the least surprised the brain has gone awol. Sigh. It is trying to learn not to believe what nerve endings are screaming at it.

You see, there is not just the whole damage to my leg thing here. That would be too simple, even though that in itself is more than enough at the moment. It has been pointed out to me that the past decade or more has been particularly complex time for me, and sure, I am poddling along just fine, but the toll....... well, that is something I have yet to gauge. It is not something I brood about. I do not brood. I get on with life, and yet, there are times, when I drive myself to hard, and don't take time to let things work through properly that they come back to life with a vengeance. And bite. So many things....... But I am a survivor.

I see the greatest challenge as being able to sit and be still, and rest, and prevent my mind from wandering into the realms of worry or speculation. As far as my leg is concerned, I have done as much as I can do to be proactive about the treatment available to me, and now I have to surrender a while, and see if it works. If it doesn't, so be it. I will have tried, and will have to adapt. I remain optimistic. And I hope I will have learned lessons along the way. I honestly believe that good will come from this, one way or another. But it is not my place to speculate about what that good may be. And the surrender bit applies to all the other pending aspects of my life too. Being still. Patience. Waiting. Calm.

Nobody is promised an easy life, and we all fight our own battles, usually in the privacy of the dark corners of our minds. And my life is a million times easier than that of countless people around our globe. I know that all too well. I have a comfortable home, warmth, food, clothes, family and friends, and don't forget the sewing room to die for in terms of stock, and enough craft supplies to last a lifetime. And books. Remember them? The pile of hardly read ones??? Oh yes. I have just about all I need. Children, my granddaughter. I am totally aware of the huge blessings I have.

I have had to learn some hard lessons recently. Humility, among others. Do you have any idea how hard it is for someone who always arranges help to be the one who has to ask for help and not only that, but on a regular basis? To accept that I can't do some things? I need help?? And how hard it is to learn how to accept that help with grace? It is not easy. Dear Heaven, it is not easy.

So let me tell you about last Thursday.....

I needed someone to take me to have the dreaded IVG. I am a zombie after it. Anaesthetised, and incapable of driving for 24-48 hours. I can't speak properly and everything is fuzzy. I need help. So last Thursday, everyone was out, busy, too squeamish or whatever. It was getting near the time I needed to go, so I popped out to drop a card at a friend's house and see if anyone was about who could take me. Nothing. No-one. Nada.

I had a little chat with Upstairs. My kind of chat, as in....HELP ME NOW. And I drove home. And a car stopped in front of my house and an old friend I hadn't seen for ages jumped out with a present for the baby and a card for me. I thanked her and she drove off. And I stomped inside still muttering to God about how time was running out and I needed someone NOW. Hello? Had He heard me?

Yes. Well.

As clear as daylight, I heard the words....I SENT someone.


(I was reminded of that story where a woman was in her house which was about to be flooded, and someone came in a car to get her and she said - No, God will save me, and sent him away. Ditto with the rowing boat, speed boat and helicopter. Then she drowned, and got to Heaven and asked God why He hadn't saved her, and He said....but I sent 5 people!)


The problem is that the friend who dropped the gift and I had been estranged for years. Oh, I mean we always chatted in the supermarket, or on the street, and waved as we passed. Perfectly pleasant. But estranged.

So I did what anyone else would have done and tried 2 more people. The phones just rang. I looked at my mobile phone, and thought...hmmmm...the only number I have for her is old. She may not answer.

She did.

And she blessed my socks off.

Her first words were that she would be HONOURED to go with me.

And she came and fetched me, and stayed with me and was a TOTAL STAR .(Yes, Sue, that would be you!) She used to be a nurse, so was unfazed by the whole procedure.

She was superb. I told her about how I came to call her, by the way. She was delighted.

So you see, I am having to learn as I go along.

Humility. Check.

But there is way more than my leg going on in this life of mine, as I said. I wish I could tell you bits, but I can't. For years, the outlook has been "challenging". Nothing has changed - it remains challenging, though for different reasons. They keep changing. And no doubt there will be many more lessons along the way which will need to be learned too.

So, you see, there will be times when I sit here and just gaze at the screen and nothing happens. I have nothing to write about at times. Nothing I can write about at other times. I still find it difficult to write of times when I am not valiant and strong. I have to remember who reads this too. I am doing just fine, and do not need family and friends to race over to stay with me. This is something I need to do alone for now. I am most certainly capable of calling my family if I need them. They know that. And this way, I have only myself to look after, and believe me, right now, I am more than enough for me to handle. Some dragons still need to be slain.

I am, however, only human, so bear with me, for now.

And thanks, my friends, for the lovely comments.


Anonymous said...

Blessings to you. I have no idea what's going on with you (being a new reader), but I pray that God blesses you with His peace and comfort.

Sandra said...

All I can say sweet Linds is that I'm going to continue praying for you and thinking of you.


Linda said...

Sending you a huge hug Linds. You are in a really difficult season right now. I promise to be praying for you.

Isabelle said...

Oh dear, Linds. I hope life improves for you soon. You're a brave person even in your dealings with the bits we know about.

Dawn said...

I know you've alluded to things we can't talk about in previous posts, and I wrote about it a bit the other day. I know we all love and care for each other, though we've never met, and that is a blessing indeed.

Be gentle with yourself!

Barb said...

I know it's hard for you to ask for help - I'm exactly the same way. I hate to ask for help too. But sometimes we have to.

Think about this. You know how good it feels to know someone needs your help, that you are needed and appreciated? Well, the person who helps you gets to feel good about herself too. So really, it's OK to ask for help.

I hate you're going through this difficult time and I pray for you, Linds, that it will pass soon. I think you're one of the strongest people I know.

Needled Mom said...

I can only imagine how difficult things have been for you, Linds. I could only hope that I would do as well as you have done with what you have been dealt. The leg issue alone would have me in a slump. Prayers continue for you, Linds.

Susie said...

Hi Linds,
I can relate to some of what you've written here as I've had to learn a few limitations with my ankle. I know it's not easy asking for help.
The things you can't share? Know that your blogging friends care and keep you in their prayers.

Morning Glory said...

So many thoughts have floated through my mind as I've read this. I can't seem to comment with anything that is worthy of what you've written, but I think you understand my heart. This was wonderful, Linds.

At A Hen's Pace said...

What a great story! I love it.

Saying a prayer for you in the midst of those challenges--