Monday, September 28, 2009

Is it Monday already?

I am still here and am indeed alive, if not kicking. I have had a few emails and calls to see why I have not posted anything, (hello Marge, Mum, Sue, David, Chris....)but the honest answer is that I have very little to report. Last week was somewhat "lost", and I seemed to have become intimately acquainted with the couch once again. Never mind the napping. We now officially qualify for a PhD in napping, people. The research has been done. In spades.

As one delightful friend said - but Linds, your thoughts are still functioning and you can write about them or words to that effect.... hahahahahahahah. My thoughts. Hmmm. Yes. My thoughts. I don't know if the world is quite ready for the thoughts of the present in full technicolour.

What have I been thinking about?

Oh, just the inane things like the meaning of life, the anatomy of pain, the prospects for the future, the facets of friendship, the futility of challenging bureaucracy, the world's economic woes, political shenanigans, legal quandries, self-management of medical conditions, the essence of widowhood, balancing parenthood with me-hood, acceptance, resignation, finding a path through a strangely different life, dreams of travel, household repairs, labels, granny-hood, the challenges and certainties of faith, alone-ness, frugality, identity and justification. How's that for starters? I do not have a simple mind. It is very complicated. Very.

It is a vortex at the moment. And all the colours, textures and possibilities of the above are spinning together to form a rainbow of such depth and complexity, and every now and then it stops to allow a single strand of thought time to detach and develop, and then off we go again. Spinning wildly. So many layers. No wonder the napping has been world class. I exhaust myself.

How do I stop? How can I slow the mind down?

Coming up in the next 6 weeks we have (in addition to the normal things in life):
  1. More acupuncture
  2. More medical appointments
  3. A 2 week break
  4. Endless forms to fill in
  5. Fence to be built
  6. School meeting - the final one which will end with me being fired on medical grounds
  7. Yet more medical appointments
  8. Double inquest for others who died the same way Geoff died
  9. Calls from the Coroner and the other families
  10. Re-opening of his inquest?
  11. Legal battles with hospitals and valve manufacturers

The next 2 months look just peachy. PEACHY, I tell you. And before I know where I am, it will be Christmas and 2009 will take its place in the annals of history. My history.

My word for the year is HOPE. The words I would use to sum up 2009 so far range from "change" to " reluctant acceptance" coupled with "pain" and "perseverance". Hope remains. Always. The dreams too.

My head hurts. Right now it all hurts.

And let me consign one myth to oblivion. So often I have been told - "You are strong. You can cope. God never sends you more (stress, trouble, heartache, problems....insert applicable word here) than you can bear". Garbage. He does. Of course He does. WAY more. It is the only way we are brought to our knees, discard our superman cloaks and turn TO Him, and say " I can't do it any more. I need help. Please." Then, and only then, when we are broken and recognise our human frailties, can He do His work. After we acknowledge we can't do anything in our own strength. Believe me. I know. This is especially hard for those of us with Superwoman tendencies. The do-ers and fixers in life. Admitting defeat is not an easy option. So it takes us longer to get to the point where we fold. And then, finally we learn the meaning of surrender, and accept the offer to carry our burdens for us. Trust. Faith. Truth.

However. I do not want, nor am I looking for, sympathy or pity. I am still me, the bouncy one, and the one who remains optimistic and buoyant and positive. I will get through each thing as it arrives on my doorstep. One by one. It is life. Simply life. Sometimes it becomes slightly more tumultuous than other times. I am an expert in plodding on. And my sense of humour is intact, thank heavens.

So now I am off to the couch once again. I am yawning my head off. Does acupuncture make you sleepy?? Did I mention I had another session this morning, complete with an additional needle in the ear? I need a snooze, anyway. And I do believe Murder, She Wrote is about to start. Hang on, Jessica! I am on my way!

My life is very exciting, you know..........


Needled Mom said...

I am sorry, Linds. I wish there was something I could do to help. It has been A year for you! I also wish that I could express myself as beautifully as you do.


Chris said...

See? I TOLD you there were thoughts in there waiting to come out! And once again, you wrote to me. I think I shall begin to call you the Queen of America's Own Personal Blogger And Behind Kicker. The title fits right well.

I brought the "good" dishrag to show off today. Only after I get all the ooooOOOOOs and aaaAAAAhhhHHHHHs will I dare use it for its intended purpose.

It was wonderful chatting last night! Looking forward to it again soon! Keep that stiff upper lip, my friend.

Dawn said...

Ditto to Needled Mom's comment! I absolutely love reading your thoughts - even in pain and sorrow and confusion, you write so beautifully. You hit the nail on the head every time.

My word for the year has been "flexibility" and, as I blog about today, it has been well used. But nothing like what you are dealing with!

I wish we could have a chat and a spot of tea. And a scone, of course!

Dawn said...

PS - I love Murder She Wrote.

Dawn said...

Me again - come over for a visit!

Morning Glory said...

Blessing, friend. I hear you.

Crystal said...

No matter what, you make me think and smile and nod my head! You are incredible, my friend! ((( HUGS )))

P.S. I wish Murder She Wrote was still on ghetto vision here - it's a great show!!

Anonymous said...

I love your wisdom about the pain that we can bear. I think I totally agree. I have been told that so much lately and I feel like smacking the next person who says it. :-)

Hang in there.

Mary said...

You know what? If I was not so lazy I would give you a standing ovation.

And it would be me standing applauding your guts and tenacity.


Meggie said...

Hang in there Linds! I know your are probably sick to death of hearing that. So my advice is Have a jolly good cry!! It can do wonders to relieve tension, to say nothing of clearing the airways!!