Missy has gone home. Isn't it amazing how one small girl can light up a house? As I watched her unpacking my bookcase this morning, wiggling with delight and making all those little noises only 10 month old girls can make, my heart was filled with joy. She is such a delight. Her shrieks of "Aiya" and "dadadadadDADADAD" and the huffing and puffing noises she makes as she crawls through the house.... the silence now is overwhelming.
I know it is New Year's Eve. And I am trying NOT to look back on 2009. And failing miserably.
The two greatest delights of the year were, of course, the arrival of Missy into our lives in February, and then Diana's visit home in May. There have been other delights, of course - time in the mountains, time spent with family, adventures with friends, and watching my children thrive, wherever they may be. And the relief of knowing the legal stuff is now in the hands of the experts.
That the old me is gone, and there is a new me. And that accepting that is just fine. That I am not 25 any more. That "slower" does not mean failure. Just different. That obstacles can be overcome. And that patience is something I need to work on a little more, although I have come a long way already. The pacing too, could do with more work, but it is better. Sort of. A little bit. Maybe that goal of serenity one day is not an impossible dream after all.
In all things, I think I have learned that contentment is a wonderful thing. Being content and even happy in whatever circumstances I find myself. Enjoying each moment to the full. The dreams are not for things any more. (Except a laptop. And a woodburning stove. And a new bathroom. And...) I am joking, my friends. Of course there are things I would love, but they are not longings. I do not spend my days hankering after the impossible. If they happen one day, great. If not, I am thankful I have a computer, a way to stay warm and a functioning bathroom! Remind of this the next time I am trying to change a loo seat, please.
The dreams are still there. Of course they are. They are part of me, after all, and without them, life would be very dull. I stopped making New Year Resolutions a long time ago. But this year I have decided that I must make an effort to be a part of the world, and not simply an observer. Over the past year, I have withdrawn a great deal from social events, and gatherings, and tended to stay home. This is part of CRPS, and I acknowledge that. It has just been easier to stay home, and not do the explaining and justification thing.
The worst bit is that I actually LIKE staying at home. But it can be very lonely at times. So I need to get out, and Get a Life, as I said in the last post. Meet new people. Do new things. So watch this space.
If I had thought for a second that I would be where I am right now this time last year, despair may have taken over. Bitterness possibly, even though I am not prone to despair and bitterness. I may have given up though. So in a way, it is a very good thing that we cannot see into our own futures. That would also have taken away the voyage of discovery. I can't see the plan for my life. I can just set goals, but be open to change.
But to look back and see the pattern which has unfolded in the past 12 months, the lessons learned, and the experience adding up in areas where there was none before, is a salutary lesson, isn't it. My life is unfolding according to the Master Plan, in ways I cannot imagine.
I have no idea what 2010 holds for me. Good and bad will go hand in hand, and hopefully the good will triumph. I have got this far, and survived, so bring on the next decade, then. One day, hour, minute at a time.
My word for 2009 has been "Hope". I have found that focussing on one word has been really interesting and has opened up a whole new way of looking at things for me, and I have battled to choose the word for 2010. I wanted "Live", to encapsulate my intention to re-enter the world, but instead, the word I keep hearing is "Celebrate". Although I have no special events happening in 2010 that I know of, I am listening to the still small voice, and going with Celebrate. I intend celebrating the small things, as well as the big things. Each and every day. Celebrate denotes joy, laughter, happiness, praise, worship, thankfulness. I am going to celebrate life. That combines both of the words I dithered over.
I looked up the official meaning of the word, and it is full of "publically acknowledging" and "solemnity" and "ritual", and while I am sure that is technically accurate, I am using the more colloquial meaning. I fail to see how one can celebrate with a solemn face. Mine, I hope, will be grinning.
And now I am going to go and usher out the last few hours of 2009 by loading the 5th lot of washing into the machine, and the 4th load into the drier. Then there is the folding, ironing etc etc etc.... At least we will start the New Year clean!