Thursday, December 17, 2009

The other side of life....

Just in case you thought that life was all sweet rosy and delicately scented with cinnamon and spice and filled with the glorious sounds of Christmas music around here........

I bought a new toilet seat. Easy to replace. HAHAHAHAHA. Just unscrew the bolts underneath. HOHOHOHOHO. Going back a little, the reason I needed to get a new one was because the old one had severed all connections with its stabilizer, aka the bolts. And this made sitting on it a perfect exercise for strengthening the core muscles. Balance, you know. And this was all very well, but with the children returning and a baby around, one did actually want to have a working loo seat. I don't want them to think we go without the basic amenities around here. Groan. The basics are essential after all. Like a fully functioning toilet seat.

So....

I got one. And spent a fruitless hour or 2 trying to unweld the old bolts, and failing, cutting myself in the process and only noticing the blood when it had dripped all over the place, including all over me. So I gave up, and called Jean and asked if I could use her hacksaw.

And let me tell you to stop right now, and go and investigate UNDER the rear of your toilets, people. Beam me up, Scottie. I can honestly say that I have NEVER scrubbed the bottom of the cistern behind any loo I have owned. It showed. I was appalled. So just picture the scrubbing, the muttering, the blood and the tools flying all over the place, as I draped myself over the toilet bowl (which had no seat, obviously. That was the whole reason I was in the bathroom in the first place).

This was all complicated ever so slightly by the fact that I can't kneel. Nor can I get up or down from the floor with ease, but let me tell you, there was no way I was ever letting another human look at the back of MY toilet. Not even after it was shining bright.

So yesterday, I got down on the floor once again, armed with the hacksaw, and started sawing. And sawing. And more sawing. Did I mention sawing???? At the same time, I was having a little conversation (ok, it was more like a snarl) with my Friend Upstairs. I pointed out that while I was indeed grateful to have a bathroom, and a toilet that flushed, I needed a new seat in place, and that He had NEVER had to saw off a bolt on a toilet because they had not been invented, and while I was aware that He was well acquainted with saws and wood because He was a carpenter, STEEL was not around back then, and even though He invented everything, I needed a little miracle RIGHT NOW because my arm was threatening to fall off, my hand looked like a claw, and I was doomed to spend the rest of my life on the floor of my bathroom, way too up close and personal with my toilet. The rant went on quite a while. And then I started telling Him that there were TWO bolts, and heaven only knew how I was going to get to the other one as the one I was sawing was the easy reach one and that a LITTLE HELP was in order. Right now. I tend to get quite specific.

You get the picture. And eventually, after nearly 2 hours of sawing and snarling, I cut through the wretched thing. Hallelujah. One down and one to go. So I wiggled round to the other side, still snarling, and I touched the screw to see if I had room for the hacksaw to get in, and I tell you, there was a Miracle In My Bathroom. It fell off in my hand. I did not even have to lift the hacksaw. Never ever doubt that He listens to , and is probably highly amused by, the rants as well as the more dignified requests.

I started laughing. Some may see this as a happy coincidence, but me? Oh no. We worked as a pair on that toilet seat. And believe me, more heartfelt thanks have not been uttered in a long while around here.

And then I tottered down the stairs to make coffee. Normal Christmassy festivities resumed. Music back on, candles lit.........

11 comments:

Needled Mom said...

He does listen.....or perhaps he was afraid of where you might be throwing those tools!!!! You are too funny in your vivid descriptions. It is as though we are there with you with each saw. Glad things are in place and ready for Christmas company now.

Chris said...

I can see it now, the Come to Jesus meeting in the Loo - only Jesus came to YOU.

WHAT A HOOT!!

Congrats on the new "turlet" seat. May you use it in good health for many years to come!

Janine (txmomx6) said...

Linds,
Thank you for this post and the smiles that it brought. And WAY TO GO!!! I'll be sure to get in touch with you if I ever find myself in need of a new toilet seat! You can give me play by play directions. :)
Janine

Morning Glory said...

I love what you write. Thanks for a great story with a lot of visual possibilities. You made my day.

Yes, He works all kinds of miracles. My word verification is "prove". I'd say He proved Himself.

Margaret Cloud said...

Well, you put a smile on my face for the day. This was too funny, I enjoyed every paragraph with you, well voiced and I am glad for the happy ending. Have a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Dawn said...

I really needed a good laugh today after more than a few tears - thank you so much for providing it. But now I'm worried, because I've been planning to get a new toilet seat. I will definitely not be tackling it myself - I am so proud of you! And yay God!!

Crystal said...

You amaze me - no job is too hard to tackle! And then you write about it and give the rest of us a wonderful chuckle. The word pictures and sound effects are vivid - there is a book somewhere in your future, I think. But no career in plumbing, I would say! Congrats to you, Linds - and yay, God for creating this amazing woman :))

Linda said...

I feel a bad that your woes make me smile and inwardly chuckle. You are an amazing story teller.
And I absolutely agree. You had a Heavenly helper.

The Bookworm said...

Oh, how I empathise. Fixing toilet seats is way up on my list of least favourite tasks. One of ours is now only (loosely) attached by one wobbly bolt and desperately needs attention. I am procrastinating, though I know I ought to do something before there is a nasty accident. My husband has a number of talents, but fixing things is not one of them. Anything more complicated than changing a light bulb is down to me.

Midlife Mom said...

Oh goodness! I have laughed up a storm here over your antics with the toilet seat! Yes, very visual which is even more fun!!

Nice trip to the B & B! I'd go too even though it was only 20 miles away. What great fun! You are a hoot, I love reading your posts!!

Mary said...

You crack me up - you really do ;)