As one delightful friend said - but Linds, your thoughts are still functioning and you can write about them or words to that effect.... hahahahahahahah. My thoughts. Hmmm. Yes. My thoughts. I don't know if the world is quite ready for the thoughts of the present in full technicolour.
What have I been thinking about?
Oh, just the inane things like the meaning of life, the anatomy of pain, the prospects for the future, the facets of friendship, the futility of challenging bureaucracy, the world's economic woes, political shenanigans, legal quandries, self-management of medical conditions, the essence of widowhood, balancing parenthood with me-hood, acceptance, resignation, finding a path through a strangely different life, dreams of travel, household repairs, labels, granny-hood, the challenges and certainties of faith, alone-ness, frugality, identity and justification. How's that for starters? I do not have a simple mind. It is very complicated. Very.
It is a vortex at the moment. And all the colours, textures and possibilities of the above are spinning together to form a rainbow of such depth and complexity, and every now and then it stops to allow a single strand of thought time to detach and develop, and then off we go again. Spinning wildly. So many layers. No wonder the napping has been world class. I exhaust myself.
How do I stop? How can I slow the mind down?
Coming up in the next 6 weeks we have (in addition to the normal things in life):
- More acupuncture
- More medical appointments
- A 2 week break
- Endless forms to fill in
- Fence to be built
- School meeting - the final one which will end with me being fired on medical grounds
- Yet more medical appointments
- Double inquest for others who died the same way Geoff died
- Calls from the Coroner and the other families
- Re-opening of his inquest?
- Legal battles with hospitals and valve manufacturers
The next 2 months look just peachy. PEACHY, I tell you. And before I know where I am, it will be Christmas and 2009 will take its place in the annals of history. My history.
My word for the year is HOPE. The words I would use to sum up 2009 so far range from "change" to " reluctant acceptance" coupled with "pain" and "perseverance". Hope remains. Always. The dreams too.
My head hurts. Right now it all hurts.
And let me consign one myth to oblivion. So often I have been told - "You are strong. You can cope. God never sends you more (stress, trouble, heartache, problems....insert applicable word here) than you can bear". Garbage. He does. Of course He does. WAY more. It is the only way we are brought to our knees, discard our superman cloaks and turn TO Him, and say " I can't do it any more. I need help. Please." Then, and only then, when we are broken and recognise our human frailties, can He do His work. After we acknowledge we can't do anything in our own strength. Believe me. I know. This is especially hard for those of us with Superwoman tendencies. The do-ers and fixers in life. Admitting defeat is not an easy option. So it takes us longer to get to the point where we fold. And then, finally we learn the meaning of surrender, and accept the offer to carry our burdens for us. Trust. Faith. Truth.
However. I do not want, nor am I looking for, sympathy or pity. I am still me, the bouncy one, and the one who remains optimistic and buoyant and positive. I will get through each thing as it arrives on my doorstep. One by one. It is life. Simply life. Sometimes it becomes slightly more tumultuous than other times. I am an expert in plodding on. And my sense of humour is intact, thank heavens.
So now I am off to the couch once again. I am yawning my head off. Does acupuncture make you sleepy?? Did I mention I had another session this morning, complete with an additional needle in the ear? I need a snooze, anyway. And I do believe Murder, She Wrote is about to start. Hang on, Jessica! I am on my way!
My life is very exciting, you know..........