I am still here, even though the words have sort of dried up for now. Could be the fact that we actually have sun! Warmth! Heat! Cloudless skies! (For now, anyway...) This could have contributed to the verbal drought of course.
That and the fact that I want to be in the garden, if only to patrol the perimeter and try ingenious tricks to catch the rodents. The ones who are devouring everything I plant. I cannot tell you how disheartening it is to see the big healthy plants one day and 2 inch stumps the next, and yes, it is the sudden and totally unwelcome tribe of fieldmice doing the damage. I know this, because they march right in before my eyes, and seem to think they own the place. Stepping daintily over the poison, and crawling under or over the traps. Intelligent rodents, and there IS NO PLACE IN MY GARDEN FOR THEM. Brains or no brains.
Perhaps if I were not wrestling with demons in the head at the same time, I may have retained a few vestiges of humour. However, I am beyond being amused. It makes me unreasonably sad, which is ridiculous in a sense. I know this. But still.....
I am having a "crawl inside the head and look about" phase. Unintentional. It just happens now and then, and it is absolutely exhausting. There is a jungle in there, believe me. I have been asking myself mega questions, and I don't know the answers to things like.... where do you want to be now, in a year, in 5 years; what do you want to be doing; how are you going to do it; what is your dream; how can you realise it; what if.......
You get the picture.
We are all so far apart - my children, my granddaughter, my sister, my closest family. That changes so much.
And the whole combination of knee, pain, hospitals, not being able to read or focus, lawyers, worry, school, frustration, form filling, waiting, waiting, thingy which rumbles on at the pace of the snail is draining me of energy. I just want it over. In 4 weeks time, it will be 4 years since Geoff died. In 2 weeks time it will be 2 years since I wrecked my knee. I am not one to dwell on painful anniversaries. I just don't see the point. But I just can't believe it is still dragging on after so long. I want to be free of it. Free.
We all have difficult times.
And it could be a great deal worse.
Diana is off visiting friends for a few days and I am so glad the weather has improved for her adventures. It is not quite the same when the heavens are dripping wet stuff and the wind is howling, now is it.
And me..... well, I am going to light the BBQ this evening for the first time, and cook something outside. There has to be something in the freezer. And I will sit in my garden (and tell myself that gardening is a joy no matter where you do it, so I can leave this one) with my book and a glass of something cold. And listen to the birds.
And watch out for that mouse.