Sometimes

Last night, when I was writing about my reasons for blogging, I wrote that I get lonely sometimes. Then I went back and changed it to "needed company" instead. Now why did I do that? (No, Mum, you do not need to hop on a plane and come back immediately!) It bothered me that I wanted to edit out what I felt. It still does. It is all about those walls we erect to protect ourselves, isn't it. But from what? I don't have the answer to that either. And then there is the subtle difference between being alone and being lonely. You can be very lonely in the midst of a crowd sometimes. And sometimes, you just want to be alone.

You know how sometimes you seem to be observing life, rather than being there? That is what it feels like at times. I am there in body, but my mind feels like it is on another plain just watching life happen. Detached. That is the word. Apart. Sometimes I feel detached from reality. And that is when I do more. Keep moving. Keep busy. Whatever you do, don't give yourself time to think. And yes, I know this is not healthy, but it is working at the moment. Sometimes I am just bone weary. Nothing left to give. Sometimes my head just hurts. Sometimes I need to be alone. I sit and watch tv and don't hear or see a thing. My mind is in a million places. Sometimes, I just can't cope with crowds. Sometimes, I want to be in crowds and anonymous.

I don't know whether I will post this or not. This is the other side of me. I am as human as any of you are, and there is a very private part of me that is not for public display. Sometimes, though, I need to be honest about how I feel.

5 Reasons why I blog

1. I write for my friends and family. Initially, it was just for them, and then I started wandering around and discovered more people who have become my friends too, and so in a way, my blogging has altered a little. But essentially, I suppose, I blog for me. Because I want to.
2. I blog because it makes me smile. I love reading and this is a way to interact with the authors and characters in a book in a sense. I mean, just think.... here we are, adding comments as we read "stories". How fascinating is that! We are part of the "book".
3. I blog because sometimes I need company . And there are people out there.
4. I blog because I love learning, and this is a way to learn about different lives and countries, traditions etc, and have some challenging thoughts tossed at me to think about. And all I have to do is say I don't know how to do something and in a flash, I get a response.
5. I blog because it is an outlet for all the things swirling about in my head. I used, for years, to just write them on the computer, or in notebooks. Now I have another forum to use, and it actually responds, in the form of comments.

We all have our own reasons for blogging. Mine are quite simple. It gives me an enormous amount of pleasure, and it can make a difference. Together, the blogging community can do amazing things, and we have seen this happen. We can shriek with laughter, wince in pain, and our hearts can ache for each other. It is great. I am not in the least bit bothered about how many people may read what I say. I don't blog for prizes. It works for me.

Well, technically that is a lot more than 5. I just didn't add numbers to the rest!

A year ago

Today, I am thankful for:

1. Sleep
2. Time to relax
3. Warm home
4. Chat with my daughter
5. Powerpoint conquered

And lovely messages from friends who worry about me. Year 10 girls who were stars today, a son who cheerfully unpacks the dishwasher, the prospect of an early night. Lots of little things. They matter.

Tomorrow it will be a year since Geoff's first heart op. A year. It seems like a life time sometimes, and just a blink of time at others. How life has changed in that year. I never for a second considerd the possibility that he might die. He only lived another 4 months. It seems so unreal still. If I could have looked down the tunnel of time a year ago, there is no way on earth I could have envisaged my life as it is today. And thank heavens I am not given to speculation about the future, because I do not want to begin to think about where next year will see us all. The past year has been a rollercoaster of epic proportions.

The one thing I am sure of though, is that the love of family and special friends will continue to be as steadfast as it has always been. Wobbly times are allowed.

So, a year on from back then, just 365 days ago, what is this family's "State of Nation"? Andrew and Ann are happy, settled and working hard. My son has matured into a very special and caring man. I am so proud of him. Diana is settled and happy in New Zealand, and living her life to the full, and likewise, I am so proud of her too. And David is here, and has also matured beyond recognition, into a gentle, happy young man, with his whole life ahead of him. Proud of him? Oh yes.

And me? Teaching full time, being a Mum, daughter, sister, friend. Facing decisions about initiating a lawsuit, inquests, juggling finances, and just managing one day at a time. Housegroup, church, book club and allotment. Books, blogging, emails and long baths. (Drowning books in those baths on a regular basis.) Older. Greyer. Wiser. Quieter. More introspective.

Different. Very different.

And faith? Immeasurably greater. Stronger. Nearer. Refined by fire.

This is not a sad post. I am not sad tonight. Weary. But grateful we have all got this far, and hoping that serenity is not an impossible dream.

Saturday tea

It is now late afternoon, and we have just had a stream of visitors for tea. Unexpectedly. This is the perfect way to forget a seriously foul day. Jean arrived first, followed by Pete and Glynis, and then the babes (all 3 of them) and their parents arrived too, and we sat around eating fruit cake and drinking tea, while the rugby was on the the background. The men were a trifle distracted. I love people popping in, and this was perfect timing indeed. I would post a photo, but I don't know how to black out the babes' faces. This time they actually looked at the camera, which is great for me, but I never post pictures of other people's children with faces that are clearly visible.

Anyway, it was a time to smile, and chatter, and just enjoy some special people. Thanks so much for your comments. I was asleep by 8.30 and only woke at 8 this morning.

Trivia.....

Why can I think of a zillion fascinating and enthralling subjects to write about when I am in the car, working or otherwise occupied in any number of ways, and then when I sit down ready to amaze you all with my literary expertise, pearls of wisdom etc, my mind goes blank, and my fingers freeze? I cannot tell you how many days this happens, and I prattle on instead about mindless trivia which bore me, never mind my friends. A friend has one of those computers which has voice recognition. That is what I need. I could whizz down the motorways, dictating to my computer when the muse strikes. It could sit next to me in a companionable manner, wearing a seatbelt of course. Taking notes. I think blogger should have a word list to trigger inspiration on the posting page. That would help.

I made felt today. I haven't done that before, and I can really recommend you try it. And the colours of fleece are stunning, and it is so soft and wonderful to touch. I wanted to rush out immediately and order every colour under the sun for school, but then stopped to think what my kids would do with it. Water is required. Water and my kids are not a potentially good mix. Water fights spring to mind. I do not need water fights. Sigh. I would love to teach them how to make felt. (Well, what I really want is to have all that fleece to play with.)

Start of a new term

Back to school we go...... David started today and I had a training day. The best part of training days is that you get a cooked breakfast thrown in. That you have not had to cook yourself. I did mention that it takes very little to excite me, didn't I? One of the highlights of the day was that I actually spent 3/4 of an hour sharpening all the pencil crayons in my class pencil crayon box. I mean, really... not one pencil was usable, which would have meant wandering little angels all searching for illusive sharpeners, pausing to chat about their holiday to friends, which would have meant no-one listening to me, Which would have meant no-one doing any work, which would have meant me getting slightly irritated, which would not have been a "positive outcome". Good grief, I am beginning to speak in the school paperwork lingo. I am doomed. But I do have pointy pencil crayons.

So, my news from the weekend is that the prepared lesson plan count is now up to 28. I went to church and that was really good, but apart from that, it was me and lesson plans. I need a life.
Tomorrow I teach for the first period and then I am off to observe classes at another school. It is in a town nearby, but I have never been there before. I don't think it is huge, and I have no idea where the school is, but I am sure I will find it. I am a woman. I will stop and ask. Or I could just look on the internet, of course. Hold on a sec. Found it. I am a genius.

Saturdays should not be like this

10 hours of work
6 teaching schemes written
7 lesson plans sorted
Sore head
41 lesson plans to go
Back to school on Monday

(Well, to be honest, I don't have to have all 48 done this week, I just wanted to plan ahead as much as I could.)

And

2D design conquered
School paraphenalia bought

So what happened to my holiday?

For Sandy

Sandy, I am posting this for you because I think maybe it works better as an analogy right now. The same wise friend also told me to see myself as an urn, (and I have posted the picture so you know what I am talking about!) and instead of water, visualise it filled with plus and negative signs. All day long, as a Mum, you turn on the tap and give out plus signs to everyone.... your kids, family, friends, everyone. Every time you smile, there goes another plus. Nothing wrong with that at all, but there comes a time each day, when they are all gone. For some of us, that could be at 6pm especially if you have babes, and for some it could be at night. Some in the morning. And we all know what happens when we only spew out negatives.

So what I am trying to say very inadequately, is that we have to put plusses back in. They need constant topping up. The balance needs to be right. And this could be by taking time for yourself. For doing something you love. It could be hearing your babes say how much they love you. Or a hug from a friend. Or taking out that card and reading it again. Or going to a movie. Being gentle with yourself. Being you. Just you. And not feeling guilty about putting yourself first for a little while.

I hope this makes sense to you. And this ferris wheel works without a rim.

Play days

Play days are over-rated. I tried, I really did, to avoid all things work related. But I failed. You can't switch off your mind.

My day started with an exciting trip to Waitrose. This is the top of the range type of classy supermarket. My mother LOVES Waitrose. I was born to shop there, but unfortunately, my continual failure to win the lotto precludes this. And they have the best coffee shop, but I didn't stop. Ladies who lunch sit and have their coffee. It is the type of supermarket you change clothes to visit. Well, I never do really, but I do feel as though I should dress up. So you can see that this was exciting, of course. I swished around the aisles in peace, tossing things I don't normally buy into my trolley. This is play day so I feel justified. It is truely tragic that it takes so little to excite me. I bought daffodils, to remind me that spring is on the way.

I have not been near any real shops for months, so it was a treat to go to Hobbycraft and look for stuff for school. (I told you I could not escape work.) And then, after buying beads, needles, ribbon and cards for my classes, I breezed around our book shop and DID NOT BUY A BOOK. I looked. I wanted something to read, but nothing leapt off the shelves and shrieked Buy Me. So I went to look for ribbon for school. Didn't find any, but did get pencils for my classes. The kids never have their own and I am tired of trying to find random bits of writing equipment while I am teaching. Do you notice how much of my play day was devoted to school things? Good.

Meanwhile, our village was having a series of powercuts, the electricity was going on and off at home, so David had to phone and tell me all about this. He was irritated by the computer game he was playing. I stopped to have coffee with a friend, talked about school of course, and then came home. Feeling vaguely dissatisfied in a weird way. I have forgotten how to play. I don't know how to switch off. I still spent all the time I was out worrying about the work still to be done, and finding it very hard to spend any money on myself without massive guilt. I didn't make the hair appointment. I should have gone to a movie or for a walk somewhere, but it wasn't something I felt like doing either a) in the rain or b) alone.

I bought chocolate. (Yes, MG, I can share) and a £1 DVD. I have no idea what it is about because I didn't have my glasses with me so couldn't read the blurb, but it stars Nicole Kidman so that is fine. £1 I can cope with. Now if I could just find out how to work the DVD player, I might watch it. (This is the DVD player that has been in this house for 4 years. I have never known how to start the wretched thing and I will NOT go and ask the son who is the fount of all techno-knowledge. It is too humiliating.) So I will sit and sigh dramatically in the rocker and eat that chocolate. I need to remember how to play.

I did find the most hysterical card though and it seems to sum up my life and hair crisis. So here it is so you can share the amusement.

Work is taking over my house

My floor is covered with papers from lesson planning. There are no seats uncluttered. My brain is fried, and this is seriously hard work. Tori, a friend and fellow staff member from school came round this morning and we started on our year 10 syllabus, and by the time she left it was nearly 4, and I thought it was about 1. Sigh. And I still have the Years 7, 8 and 9 teaching schemes to do never mind the lesson plans. I might have been a trifle optimistic when I thought I could do the whole of the next half term now.

But, tomorrow is play day, I have declared. I am doing NO work. I am going out to play. Do not ask me what I will be doing but it will be frivolous and deeply un-meaningful. And it will involve coffee at a place other than home. And maybe a shop. Or 2.

I may even put a paperbag over my head and go and make a hair appointment. It is a year, after all, since the highlights were done. But the appointment will no doubt be for 3 months hence (nice word, that), given that good hairdressers are notoriously hard to find. I can live with that. It will be enough of a shock to make the appointment. And I can use the 3 months to save for the exorbitant amount of money they will no doubt charge me to restore my hair to some vaguely youthful look. I may even cut it this time. It is below my shoulderblades at the moment, and it has NEVER been this long. I wear it up most of the time, unless I want the Wild Woman from Borneo look. That is rare. Maybe now is the time for a complete change of image.

Right. I am now going to wade through all those papers and go and make more coffee and watch Criminal Minds. And look for chocolate.