Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Sometimes

Last night, when I was writing about my reasons for blogging, I wrote that I get lonely sometimes. Then I went back and changed it to "needed company" instead. Now why did I do that? (No, Mum, you do not need to hop on a plane and come back immediately!) It bothered me that I wanted to edit out what I felt. It still does. It is all about those walls we erect to protect ourselves, isn't it. But from what? I don't have the answer to that either. And then there is the subtle difference between being alone and being lonely. You can be very lonely in the midst of a crowd sometimes. And sometimes, you just want to be alone.

You know how sometimes you seem to be observing life, rather than being there? That is what it feels like at times. I am there in body, but my mind feels like it is on another plain just watching life happen. Detached. That is the word. Apart. Sometimes I feel detached from reality. And that is when I do more. Keep moving. Keep busy. Whatever you do, don't give yourself time to think. And yes, I know this is not healthy, but it is working at the moment. Sometimes I am just bone weary. Nothing left to give. Sometimes my head just hurts. Sometimes I need to be alone. I sit and watch tv and don't hear or see a thing. My mind is in a million places. Sometimes, I just can't cope with crowds. Sometimes, I want to be in crowds and anonymous.

I don't know whether I will post this or not. This is the other side of me. I am as human as any of you are, and there is a very private part of me that is not for public display. Sometimes, though, I need to be honest about how I feel.

7 comments:

Sandy. said...

Uuummmm, yeah. Sometimes, me too. To all of it.

Sandy.

Morning Glory said...

Hugs and prayers for you, my friend. I haven't been through what you have, but somehow I recognize the words. Your honesty touches my heart and I'm glad you posted those thoughts.

Penless Thoughts said...

I'm glad you took that step and posted what you wrote. I don't know you yet but I do know it's always the right thing to be honest. Sometimes we think we're hiding things from others but so often we are hiding from ourselves. God bless you as you walk this path.

momrn2 said...

No need to fear posting this. I'm sure we can all relate to the feelings you put into words so well. At least I know I can.

One day at a time.... Sometimes one moment at a time....

Hang in there! You are not alone!

Danielle said...

I am thankful you wrote this and thankful you stopped by my new place. You said quite succinctly how I have been feeling for quite some time now. Yesterday I wrote an entire post in my head about this business of women being able to 'multitask' and is it really masking something deeper in our psyche? This has given me great pause for thought. I too am an observer and I am carefully considering that it has a great deal to do with our age and body chemistry and less to do with the actual circumstances in our lives....A post I had recently written was titled "These Things I am Not".....but I never hit 'publish'...perhaps for the same reason you put 'needing company' instead of 'lonely'...it's like I said in my second post...I am ready to speak the truth about my fellings and the way of the world ;) Hope you stop by again...I haven't figured out how Wordpress can leave my photo and link in your comments yet so...I'm from Outside the Margins ;)

Barb said...

Proof positive that you're as normal as the rest of us, Linds. I have experienced a lot of the emotions you're describing here although I haven't been through some of the things you've been through. It's good to be honest about how you feel. No one will ever put you down for that. I, for one, respect you all the more for it. Transparent is a good way to be.

Linda said...

There are no glib little phrases that come to mind. I just want you to know I can hear your heart. I hope you will always feel you can be open and honest. I think the things you are feeling are very understandable.
Jesus has promised to be our friend and our comfort. I know that He is, but there are times we just need flesh and blood to make that real for us. I pray that He will send someone when you need it, and that He will give you the peace and quiet times when you need those.
I'm so glad you said just what you are feeling. I am thinking and praying for you.