Last night, when I was writing about my reasons for blogging, I wrote that I get lonely sometimes. Then I went back and changed it to "needed company" instead. Now why did I do that? (No, Mum, you do not need to hop on a plane and come back immediately!) It bothered me that I wanted to edit out what I felt. It still does. It is all about those walls we erect to protect ourselves, isn't it. But from what? I don't have the answer to that either. And then there is the subtle difference between being alone and being lonely. You can be very lonely in the midst of a crowd sometimes. And sometimes, you just want to be alone.
You know how sometimes you seem to be observing life, rather than being there? That is what it feels like at times. I am there in body, but my mind feels like it is on another plain just watching life happen. Detached. That is the word. Apart. Sometimes I feel detached from reality. And that is when I do more. Keep moving. Keep busy. Whatever you do, don't give yourself time to think. And yes, I know this is not healthy, but it is working at the moment. Sometimes I am just bone weary. Nothing left to give. Sometimes my head just hurts. Sometimes I need to be alone. I sit and watch tv and don't hear or see a thing. My mind is in a million places. Sometimes, I just can't cope with crowds. Sometimes, I want to be in crowds and anonymous.
I don't know whether I will post this or not. This is the other side of me. I am as human as any of you are, and there is a very private part of me that is not for public display. Sometimes, though, I need to be honest about how I feel.