It feels really strange to be alone in my house for the first time in months. No.... this is not any form of empty nest syndrome, I assure you! David has simply gone back to school, but it still feels strange. And Mum is not here at the moment. I went out this morning and when I came home, everything was exactly as I left it, and in my experience, that is unusual!
And in the silence, I have time to think, and to try to work out things that get lost in the frazzled days that seem to be my norm. I love people, but there are times when I am all "peopled out", and that is how I am feeling at the moment. Time and space for me. I have wanted or needed that for a long time, and now I have a few moments, I am cherishing each one. It is a good feeling.
The silence is the kind which happens when the voices of children playing outside in the gardens stops. The lawnmowers are silent, and the cars seldom go up and down the road. The TV is off, and so is the radio. Just the soft drone of a passing plane, and the rhythmic sound of the tumble drier turning and the hum of the computer innards.
It is so easy to be rushing all over the place doing stuff, and then you flop into a chair exhausted, and seem to have accomplished very little. That is what I have done all week. I have been trying too hard, and have not been listening to my own advice and to the need I have to simply "be" for a little while. It is just fine to let random thoughts drift in and out of my mind, and it is just fine to rest. Who knows where those thoughts may lead me? And who knows what message I might finally get, when I allow myself time to be receptive? Just think.... I may realise something in a eureka moment, which could actually change the course of my life. That is quite amazing.
I have no idea why I sometimes feel so guilty when I just rest. I remember a time a while back when I was asked what I was doing when I was sitting in a chair staring into space, and my answer was that my brain was working so hard, that I could not do anything else at the time. I was grappling with things in my mind and wrestling with huge decisions, and all I could do was to sit there and turn inwards, and let my mind whir away at breakneck speed. I may look as though I am doing nothing at times like these, but believe me, there is a lot going on inside. And even though this is not a grappling moment, my brain needs to work while my body rests. Or maybe the brain needs a rest too. We will see.
I am like this when I decide to redecorate too. I can see things 3 dimensionally in my head, and I move all the furniture about and work out the ladder logistics, and how things will look in my mind while I sit in a chair staring into space. It must look bizarre, but it works for me! So my planning is all mental, and I never write any of it down. Which, of course, is why only I can do whatever I am busy planning, because no-one else has a clue what I am doing. Sigh. It does have its drawbacks, I concede.
When I planned the extension to my house 10 years ago, I could see it all in my head, although no-one understood what I was talking about, except, thankfully, the architect! That was when I realised for the first time, that it is not usual for people to see things the way I do. I can look at a plan of a house, and see the finished building from the floor plan. Map-reading is simple too. My brain just seems to be wired in an interesting way. Perhaps this is why I am creative. Or maybe being creative makes my mind work like this. I am rambling again.
So. I am taking time to sit in my rocking chair and reflect. The summer has been a "doing" time. And now I need to let my mind catch up. (Or maybe it is just a more subtle part of the aging process.....!)
And how about this for excitement.... my friend, Louise, is moving her studio, and she brought me her overlocker as she has no room for it any more. Her overlocker! Which I have borrowed frequently, might I add, as mine is deader than dead from overuse. You really do need to go and look at her website to see the most beautiful things she makes. She is an amazing textile artist. She has a loom, and uses her weaving as part of her mixed media work, and as stand alone pieces too. Brilliant. I absolutely love her work. It is unique.