Monday, April 14, 2008

Allowing another 1% to escape......

A few weeks ago, I wrote something which is not intended for publication. I read it now and then, and every time I do, the tears come, and so I close the document and do something else. Anything. I am a world champion in avoidance tactics. I was right when I said that only about 10% of me is actually visible. And you get to see the 1% extra, because only a couple of people know I actually wrote anything at all. I am rambling here, but bear with me......

I have been reminded that what you see is not always the true picture. I could take you on a walk around this village and you would meet my friends, and would see just what they let you see, and you would never scratch the surface. Lovely genuine people. Each and every one of them.

We are all like that. Some people accept just what they see, and only as they get to know you a little better, do they sense what could be bubbling under the surface. Others only ever see what they want to see. Assumptions can be made. And sometimes those assumptions are way way off base.

I lay in bed last night thinking about what I had written here yesterday, and then started thinking about what I had not written at all. About the things that happen to real people, and how they cope with them. About private battles being fought. Tough decisions made. Challenges coped with. Life is happening all around me. Birth, marriage, death, divorce, hopes, fears, celebration, loneliness, illness, the challenges and joys of raising children, coping with elderly parents and changing needs, finances, work, distance, you name it. It is the nature of life. It is happening wherever I look. To each of us. Sometimes I look around me and think....the tv producers would throw this out as too improbable if ever anyone wrote it all down as a potential soap opera.

Real life seems totally improbable at times. I think, no, this can't really be happening. Not to him. Not to her. Not to them. Not to me. But it is. To real people. Love/hate, laughter/tears, hopes/fears, good/bad, certainties/uncertainties, life/death.

Back to those assumptions. The mouths may smile at times, but look a little closer at the eyes. They may be distant, focussing on a place you cannot imagine. Confidence may hide a wealth of inadequacies. Laughter may mask a hurt so deep. Busy-ness may focus attention away from a bruised or battered heart. We are all masters of illusion in real life. Appearances can indeed be deceptive. And we hesitate to open what could be Pandora's box, because we don't have any guarantees about what might happen if we dare. How many times have we avoided asking personal questions? Or how many times do we look behind the expected/hoped for pat answers? Do we even want to go there?

We brush aside platitudes which make our lips tremble, and control waver. We use humour to mask raw nerves. We deflect attention away from ourselves to hide pain. We speak too quickly, and don't listen enough. Well, I do, anyway.

The one thing I have in abundance right at this moment, is time. Time which I have longed for, but not the time I had hoped for, to do all the things I had planned. I need to keep moving, and now I can't. Moving prevents me from going to the secret place in my mind where I can surrender control and just be. And sometimes that is an uncomfortable place to be. I am only human, and maybe it did take being injured to get me to stop and be still. Maybe I am the type of person who needs to be pole-axed to really get me to listen. Maybe Someone has another agenda I need to follow. It seems that this is non-negotiable right now.

I am getting better slowly, by the way. But as I have said before, patience is not something I have been blessed with in abundance. And I have a sneaking suspicion that I am not going to heal physically at all until I stop, turn round, take a deep breath, and face those giants lurking behind me. Do I want to go there? Absolutely not.

The problem is, I don't think I have any choice any more.

I am a widow. My name is Linds. It hurts.

14 comments:

Janine said...

Oh Linds. You've brought tears to my eyes. Made me think of Shan and Ed and how they had their whole lives planned out so carefully. Today my best friend in all the world is signing divorce papers because her husband of 25 years has decided that he doesn't want to be married anymore and her heart is broken. So much sadness. BUT - we are survivors. X

Pam said...

Linds~

Thanks for even sharing that extra 1% here. You touched my heart today and gave me much food for thought. I appreciate the vulnerability with which you posted today.

May the Lord wrap His arms about you today and give you the strength to face those giants that loom ahead. Remember, not a one of them is in your path without His being right there with you. May His presence be very real to you this moment.

Praying for you right now, friend.

Jeana said...

Oh, I wish I could give you a hug! I can testify from experience that God uses illness to get our attention and shape our character sometimes. I know he has for me. It's why I never believe the people who say sickness is a curse and if we have faith God will always heal. Some of the physical troubles I've had I wouldn't give up, even if I could, because they changed me for the better.

Vee ~ A Haven for Vee said...

Linds, you've done a lot of work already and there'll be more. When I shed a tear over a blog post, I know that a nerve has been struck. Yes, you are a widow. You are also a child of God. He's going ahead of you...what's that they say? The tomorrow we worry about is a place the Lord has already been. Hugs to you today...so good to read that you are healing.

Morning Glory said...

I can't even think of an appropriate thing to say. You said this so eloquently and I thank you for letting us into your heart a little more.

Bless you!

Susie said...

Hi Linds,
There are many of us that don't even share as much as 90%. You've had to deal with things that I choose to not even think about.
I can only begin to imagine some of what you must feel and deal with.
hugs

Dawn said...

Oh, dear Linds, I have tears in my eyes as well. What a beautiful, vulnerable post this is. It hits me where I live - we definitely do not tell it all, do we? But you give us so much joy with the 1% you give us! We know that you have to be in pain. Couldn't help it.

I just wanted to let you know that the sweater I'm wearing in the quartet picture was bought in Bournemouth years ago. I still love it.

Jo said...

Linds,

I hold you in my heart and prayers. I am no stranger to physical or emotional pain and it breaks my heart to know that you are hurting. Thank you for sharing such deep thoughts in your post. I for one know how difficult it is to do that. Big hugs coming your way.

mary said...

Thank you

meggie said...

Hi Linds, my herbs have been uprooted, & I have blogged my disappointment. But in the long term, I still have him with me, to exasperate, & despair about. I realise I am lucky.
Hugs my friend, & should you ever need a resting place in Oz, you would have one here!!

mary said...

Felt compelled to come back to your blog and read again. Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for your braveness. Thank you for the revelation. Thank you for touching the heart of this now humble master of masquerades. I believe in your sharing hearts are mending. Bless you friend.

Crystal said...

LInds -
You are amazing - you are in my heart - you are in my prayers! I am so glad that God led me to your blog and that He continues to love and carry us both.
((( HUGS )))

Barbara said...

Thanks for your gut level honesty Linds. I'm glad you are healing slowly and my prayers are with you for all tht God wants to show you during this time. Certainly looks like he has begun.
Blessings my friend I think of yu often.

Bronwen said...

((((((((((Hugs)))))))))