Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Notes from the sofa

Try using the keyboard and restricting yourself to no movement with your right hand. If you are right-handed. You would be snarling too. I went to the doctor yesterday. That was the Event of the Day. You remember how I was joking about how exciting my life was 2 weeks ago?? Huh?? That was the HIGH LIFE, people. Now? I am considering counting the grains of sand in a bottle for entertainment.

Where was I? The doctor. I saw my own doctor this time, thank heavens, and I trust her, which is always good. She is very tiny. Very. I feel like a giant when I see her and I am only about 1.65m tall (about 5ft6-7inches). She looked at me quizzically when I walked in and I sat down and announced that I was wounded. She grinned. She had read the notes on the computer. She listened as I related my total panic attack when I thought I was about to expire, and suggested she examine me herself.

So I removed my clothing with all the grace of a hippopotamus in a changing cubicle at a dress shop. My pullover got stuck round my neck, and when I ripped it off, my earrings,butterfly things and reading glasses which I had forgotten on top of my head, shot in 5 different dirctions all over the surgery. Much muttering and crawling ensued, and I did notice she was trying not to laugh. I do believe the gold chain I wear was hooked over my left ear at this point.

So I stood up for her to make sure the heart and lungs were indeed functioning, and looked at her down there. I mean, she is TINY. And felt as ungainly as said hippo. But she prodded and poked, and I screeched obligingly when she managed to hit the torn muscle 3 times in swift succession. And then she wanted to take my BP. Excuse me, I was still trying to breathe after being in pain. And she took my pulse at the same time. BAD idea. So we started all over once I had taken several calming breaths and stopped muttering about evil sadistic women who caused untold anguish in their poor defenceless patients and considered humming. Her mouth was definitely twitching. I was watching.

Second attempt was reassuringly reasonable. And I looked at her and said - see - I am fine. I am not sick. Just a little broken. And she announced that I am indeed not fine at all, and would not be working this week. And that if we were not starting school holidays this Friday for 2 weeks, I would be off work for at least 3 weeks. The muscle is torn. Not just inflamed, and it takes time to heal. And no, there is no pill or magic potion to fix it faster. I asked.

By now the head was stuck getting back into the pullover ....what is it with clothes which go on perfectly easily in the morning and then refuse to behave when in the presence of people like doctors? So my words were a trifle muffled, and the out of control hair had decided to flop right out of the slide I had used to tie it back. The slide lodged itself in the back of my jeans. Give me strength. I was a picture of elegance and excellent grooming as I emerged from the neck line.

Anyway. Taking a deep breath. She said she was writing a doctor's note for work. I have never had one of these in my life. And she told me I am supposed to do nothing. NOTHING. I am supposed to sit and read and watch tv. And sleep. And go insane. I glared at her and said..."Have you ANY idea how dire daytime tv is?" and she threw back her head and roared with laughter. I am so glad I amused her. I informed her that I would probably be back next week for medication for the insanity which was clearly about to set it.

So I can't sew, or bake, or clean, or iron, or shop, or drive, or garden, or cut things, or quilt, or stitch, or sweep, or carry or rearrange cupboards, or paint, or decorate, or ANYTHING. And I am lacking some slaves to order about. And I am not supposed to use the hand on the keyboard. I need to be amused. I feel it is everyone's duty to entertain me.

However, I do want to be fixed. Sigh.


Dawn said...

Oh, my dear Linds! I wish I could come over and help you! Do you have any idea how this happened??

But how is it that you can be in such dire circumstances and still make me laugh early in the morning?? You indeed have a gift. I could picture it. I hope, though, that you don't have to do all of these gyrations right in front of the doctor?? No little cubby to go in and shut the door??

I am glad you saw our own doc and that she is making you be still. Be still, dear Linds! Be still and know that He is God!

Linds said...

In front of the doc. She showed remarkable restraint until the last bit of my visit. I live to amuse.

Needled Mom said...

Sure wish we lived closer. I'm sure I could provide some sort of help for you....perhaps that tutorial!! Rest like you must endure would be my worst nightmare.

I must admit that I really chuckled at your description of the exam. How on earth did you manage to tear your muscle? Can they strap your chest to assist you in not using that muscle?

Please keep using the keyboard as we all want to keep updated on your progress. Hugs.

Jeana said...

I can't imagine that she would object to a visit with me. Is transportation allowed for you?

Heather M. said...

Oh, my - this amount of rest means your condition is even worse than you first thought. I'm praying for healing - and for patience and interesting moments while you wait! ((( HUGS )))

Vee ~ A Haven for Vee said...

Oh dear heavens! You have me laughing so hard that I can hardly type.

But it's not funny. No. This situation is not funny. The whole stripping in the dressing room is.

I think you're going to read a lot...blogs and novels and magazines and how about listening to the radio or an audio book? I think many teas should be planned, too. Call your friends, demand attention.

Lots of gentle hugs coming your way. Don't overdo it at the keyboard!

Barbara said...

So funny and would not have been so funny if you had been in a private examination room.
I still wonder how you managed to do this injury to yourself.
Get well soon in my prayer for you and have a good rest at the same time.

Isabelle said...

Oh dear, poor Linds. At least you were a picture of elegance and grooming....

I found your previous post really interesting. How real are we on blogs? Well, only partly, as you say. One can't tell one's whole life in 500-word slices; selection is necessary. On the other hand, I do tell my bloggy friends things I don't tell my real friends - not nameless horrors or anything, but random thoughts and minor disasters.

However, I do feel I've been much the same person (whoever that is) for a long time - since I can remember, really. With minor variations, of course.

Hope you start feeling better soon, and meanwhile, take the opportunity to read some good books. And good blogs - there are so many of these!

Thinking of you!

Linda said...

What you can do very well is be absolutley hysterical. I just love this post Linds. Mind you, I am very, very sorry that you have that torn muscle, but you have a wonderful way with words and an even better sense of humor.
I must try to think of something sedentary for you to do. Perhaps your son could rent all those movies you've always thought you might like to watch?
Take care Linds. I'm praying you heal very quickly.

Penless Thoughts said...

I cannot believe you had to disrobe in front of the Dr. That would never take place here. So sorry you are so hurt. I'm ;ike everyone else. How in the world did it happen? I love your sense of humor, but I've told you that over & over again.

Angie said...

I know your pain is not funny at all but your posts are hysterical. I hope you don't become addicted to soapies while on the sofa. :-)

Blessings! Get well quickly!

Morning Glory said...

I'm so sorry you've had such a go of it lately. Please don't be offended when I say I'm laughing myself silly at your description of the visit to the doctor. I love what you write!