Last night David was at a party, and I had some time alone here at home. I have no idea what triggered the thought, but I found myself buried deep in my own archives, reading about my own life a year ago. About the hopes, fears, dreams, frustrations and joys. It was like reading a book about a total stranger at times.
So many of the things I wondered about then remain constant in my life. So many are joyful memories. So many have lost any importance by now, and others? Well I have buried them, or forgotten about them, or stuck my head in the sand and refused to look at them. See? I am human. I can hide with the best of them. I can't remember why I wrote some things. They were just important to me at the time.
Another thing I discovered was that I have already spoken very freely about things I have been hesitant to share at times more recently. I write about those things now and then and don't post them. Why? Maybe my self editing is a little too brutal. I need to think about that. Maybe I am giving in to an unspoken pressure to move on and get on with my life. It could be that that pressure is coming from inside me, and so I have two opposite elements to deal with at the same time. And before you all start yelling Yes! Move on! Now would be good! I am just saying that while I don't live in the past by any stretch of the imagination, letting go of stuff is so much harder than I ever expected. Especially when I have never had any answers. And when the reality of my daily life is so different nowadays as a consequence. And letting go of some things is going to mean letting go of the rein I have held so tightly on my emotions too, and we are not going to go there. No. Not now. Because I have stuff to do like work and........ STUFF. Stuff is a good word.
And then I looked at all the comments, and who was reading back then and thought how strong the bond has become between us over the past 2 years. How your lives have altered, along with mine. The things we have experienced. I know your names now, and I see them, and can visualise your past year too. And to those of you who read, and don't comment, please know that you are very welcome, and I am aware that I will never know who some of you are, but it is good to get to know new friends too!
Anyway, it was an interesting way to spend the evening.
I am in duck mode today. Appearing to drift along serenely, and the feet are paddling like mad under the surface. I am a good duck.
12 comments:
I often find things in my archives that I had forgotten I wrote. Sometimes even in the recent archives! Is that getting "old"?
I just read yesterday's post and was appalled at the things the students said to you. I used to work "in-house" several times a day to spell the guy whose job it was to "shepherd" these horrible brats all day long every day. They had absolutely no regard for me whatsoever(and I was much younger then!), and I got no back-up from the administration whatsoever. I went home a wreck every day. Then I went to the university, which saved my sanity completely. I am so distressed by the lack of manners and respect in young folks. I suppose their parents are to blame, but it doesn't make it any less sad and maddening.
As for getting old - oh, my. I look at myself in the mirror and cannot believe what I see sometimes. I talk to myself all the time - good convesation!
I absolutely love your writing, Linds. I say it over and over. Your mind never ceases to amaze me. And to think how much you're not saying!
I am envious of my SIL getting to meet you soon. Maybe someday it will be my turn. I have a former student from Saudi Arabia, who is getting his Ph.D. in York. I told him I'd love to get back over there to visit my brother and others - he thinks I'm on the way, and has a restaurant picked out for us to dine together. Wish it could happen!
Well, it's Sunday morning and I'd better get busy getting ready for church. I am so glad we got to "know" each other.
Oops - didn't mean to write a book!
Linds, your post is so intriguing because I have been spending time in your archives lately myself. Did you bump into me there? Hope that I didn't scare you. It's something that I do with all the blogs on my blogroll eventually. I must know...I MUST know these women and where they've come from and how they made the journey.
Sometimes I am shocked to find that the blogs are not as old as my own...why do I think that everyone has been around for much longer? Odd thought. Because we've been living somewhat parallel lives, I have been very interested in your story. Guess what? I think you are remarkable! Absolutely. You can write about sticks on the side of the road and make it interesting. You're an exceptional writer. I encourage bloggers to write books all the time and can see no reason why you shouldn't write books, too. I'd love to read them all.
I do find that there are seasons when I am much more open. Right now, I'm feeling like a closed shop.
You have outdone yourself in these last two posts Linds - they are just amazing.
I especially love the one on aging. I have thought so many of those same thoughts. When I am out with my 84 year old Mom, I see the way others look at her and wish they could know how mentally sharp, how creative, how loving and wise she is. Just when we reach the point in life where we have so much to share we are sidelined by this sort of youth mentality. How nice it would be if society could learn to appreciate the treasure the elderly are.
Just catching up on the last few posts here, Linds. All I can say about the aging thing is that I would not give up my years to go back there for anything. I am glad to be comfortable in my thoughts and opinions despite the wrinkles and aching bones (at times).
I cannot believe that kids are being brought up with so little respect for their others. That just amazes me to no end. Their lives will not be pleasant ones and eventually the scars of life will take their toll on them too.
Glad you enjoyed the tutorial - I did it at your request!
Interesting. I guess as you do so much writing on your posts they do show a sense of where you are at emotionally. I do like to scroll through my blogging friends post as like Vee I like to get to know people more.
I am amazed - how on earth did the kids change the keys. Very frustrating for you as the teacher I can see but also I can see the funny side.
I've not been reading long but have been enjoying your posts. I've not taken the time to go back in your archives but think I will. Your story fascinates me as I grew up overseas and am now widowed also. I keep two blogs - one I've had for longer and am occasionally slightly more open on, the other that's listed on my blog profile.
Anyway...thanks for sharing.
edith
www.photogal938.blogspot.com
I am just floored by the things the kids are saying these days. As my mother used to say they need to go right over her red checkered apron and have a good spanking! I don't know how you manage to deal with it, I don't know if I could. Really enjoyed your post on aging. As I get older I realize more and more how we do tend to slow down a bit and I try to have more patience with folks older then myself. Like you say, we will be there some day. Your writing is very insightful, I enjoy it.
Hi Linds,
How interesting that you would spend an evening going through your archives! I found myself doing that one night last week and wiping away tears. I think I revealed much more "back then" and am trying very hard to get on with things.
It also jarred my memory on so many things I had forgotten!
xo
I, too, have gone back into my archives. I think the thing that I've noticed the most about my own journey and some of my blog buddies journeys is that we started out very differently than we are now. It's been like going through therapy separately and together at the same time. My emotions were so different then and my need to write about it has become less urgent. Maybe the therapy worked!
BTW, are you getting the emails I sent you recently?
Thanks Linds. You are indeed a truly good duck.
P.s Fixed up my photo error!
Linds - I agree with so many others that you are such an amazing writer. Your humour, the way you reflect and how you can write about such a variety of topics all intrigue me. Thank you for putting yourself into each post - even if it's only 10%! When I read your words about student comments, I am glad to be on this side of the system now although grade threes were not that way in my classroom. I am sad for these people who are so lost/undisciplined in their lives. Have a sunny week!
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