Last night David was at a party, and I had some time alone here at home. I have no idea what triggered the thought, but I found myself buried deep in my own archives, reading about my own life a year ago. About the hopes, fears, dreams, frustrations and joys. It was like reading a book about a total stranger at times.
So many of the things I wondered about then remain constant in my life. So many are joyful memories. So many have lost any importance by now, and others? Well I have buried them, or forgotten about them, or stuck my head in the sand and refused to look at them. See? I am human. I can hide with the best of them. I can't remember why I wrote some things. They were just important to me at the time.
Another thing I discovered was that I have already spoken very freely about things I have been hesitant to share at times more recently. I write about those things now and then and don't post them. Why? Maybe my self editing is a little too brutal. I need to think about that. Maybe I am giving in to an unspoken pressure to move on and get on with my life. It could be that that pressure is coming from inside me, and so I have two opposite elements to deal with at the same time. And before you all start yelling Yes! Move on! Now would be good! I am just saying that while I don't live in the past by any stretch of the imagination, letting go of stuff is so much harder than I ever expected. Especially when I have never had any answers. And when the reality of my daily life is so different nowadays as a consequence. And letting go of some things is going to mean letting go of the rein I have held so tightly on my emotions too, and we are not going to go there. No. Not now. Because I have stuff to do like work and........ STUFF. Stuff is a good word.
And then I looked at all the comments, and who was reading back then and thought how strong the bond has become between us over the past 2 years. How your lives have altered, along with mine. The things we have experienced. I know your names now, and I see them, and can visualise your past year too. And to those of you who read, and don't comment, please know that you are very welcome, and I am aware that I will never know who some of you are, but it is good to get to know new friends too!
Anyway, it was an interesting way to spend the evening.
I am in duck mode today. Appearing to drift along serenely, and the feet are paddling like mad under the surface. I am a good duck.