Sunday, March 18, 2007

Cheerleaders and change

Gee, girls, I have CHEERING SECTION!

As my kids at school would say...."How cool is that!". I have visions of cheerleaders and pompoms. Bear in mind I have never ever seen one, so my mind has you all lined up as I know you now, in your blog photos, as cheerleaders. Thank you very much for all your kind and complimentary comments. It is so nice you all have rose tinted specs, of course, but they did make me smile. At 1.30am when I got back from London. After falling asleep on the train. And that was after I fell asleep during the show, which was fantastic, by the way. It was just me proving that I am not a party girl any longer. Or that I should go into training to recover my stay-awake-when-you-go-out-in-the-evening options. And the theatre was very hot. So I snoozed now and then.

During the course of a conversation last night, I realised just why the haircut was taking on an importance way out of proportion to reality. It is quite simple, really. Every single aspect of my life has changed over the past 8 months. The only thing that remained the same every day was the face I saw in the mirror. Now that has changed too. This is not a woe is me thing. It is another observation. And I use that word - "observation" advisedly (more about that later).

What I do from the moment I wake up has changed. Where I work. Who I work with. Who I see. Who I phone. How often I phone. How I dress. What I do when I get home. What I do over the weekends. My responsibilities. My dreams. My focus. My church. My leisure time. My hobbies. My fears. My life. It is all different now. And, as I said, so too is the face I see in the mirror in the mornings.

My friends last night thought it looked great. That I looked smart and professional and "up to date". Younger. Maybe that is true, but inside I am so much older, if you know what I mean. I am not sure if I am inside what the outside is saying.

I listen to conversations my friends are having now, and I am detached. Observing, rather than taking part. I have not been to the things they talk about or been a part of them, because my life has changed. And I have always been in the middle of things till now. This is not about an identity crisis, it is about trying to find that balance. I am very lucky, and very blessed, and not miserable and depressed but the "me" who everyone knew is gone. And I am not all that comfortable in the new me shell yet. It will come, when I find that balance.

In a way, I just don't feel that I belong anywhere yet. I am still like a marble on the board, rolling around, until I fall into a slot somewhere and stay still. The amount of work I am having to do at school is mind-boggling, and there has been no support at all, so it is consuming most of my waking moments. I can't give anything less than my best. I am a teacher, and yet I am not. I am not a support worker and yet I am. Nothing is clear. And it won't become clear unless I push the boundaries until I find out.

I am doing everything in reverse, I suppose. Everyone I know is slowing down now, and I am going at warp speed. Somethings you don't get to choose.

SO..................... the hair cut thing is more than a hair cut. Maybe it just is the final symbol I needed to confirm that my life is changing all the time, and that you can never go back. It is gone, and this is who I am now. Gulp. The biggest test will come tomorrow when I walk into my class.


Penless Thoughts said...

Linds, I loved this post. So insightful and full or wisdom. Yes, I'm sure you are changing and we all need to, If we don't we become stagnant. Sort of like The Dear Sea versus a flowing stream. I want to be constantly flowing and moving and touching people. For the short time I've "known" you that's what I see you doing!

Penless Thoughts said...

P.S. Glad you got in person cuddo's on the new hair style and I'll be eager to hear what your students say. ((hugs))

Anonymous said...

Oh you speak my heart....this is what I have been trying to put into words ever since the "frumpy t-shirt"'s truly not about the outside but about the have had very significant changes in your life...not bad..but they are like pieces of your life's puzzle that no longer fit the ones you have already pieced together. I don't believe the person you were is 'gone' so much as she has 'grown'....and 'growing' and 'changing' is always unsettling...but it's all about God's purpose..."the only way God plants His saints is through the whirlwind of His storms" Oswald Chambers...look at it this least your hair won't get all tangly in the storms now :)

Clare said...

Great post! Thanks for dropping by.

*Happy Mothers Day*

Susie said...

Hi Linds,
You so eloquently put into words the very things I will not allow myself to think about. I simply can not (will not?) allow myself to imagine what my life would be without my husband of almost forty years.
I know you are facing it with far greater grace and courage than I believe I would.
Enjoy your Mother's Day!!

Linda said...

Happy Mother's Day Linds!! I've been gone a couple of days, so I'm trying to catch up. I'll just consolidate all my comments here (sounds very official somehow). I think your new "do" looks very charming. It frames your face so nicely. I understand (although I haven't experienced it as you have) that it is so much more than a new hair style. You are in a very uniqe situation right now. So much is changing for you. I don't like change at all, and so I think I know how difficult it must be. You speak with such wisdom Linds. I know you will find your way and become comfortable in the new place you find yourself. The Lord has not changed, and He will be with you supplying all that you need.
I'll pray about that Linds.

Andrew said...

I am so proud of you for how you have coped with the last year and held us all together.

Morning Glory said...

Having come face to face with the uncertainty of cancer in my husband, I've had to realize that loss can happen. It hasn't for me, yet, and the cancer has been removed, but the uncertainty remains. You have expressed so many wonderful thoughts regarding your loss and I have learned from you. I pray I'll be able to move ahead as you have.

Having to redefine "normal" in one's life is not an easy task.