Tomorrow I start my new career as a teacher. Today, I confess, I had a major "throw the rattle out of the pram" rage. I ran out of patience in a big way. Not with the kids, but with the management, who had made all sorts of assumptions about what I would do, and never had time to discuss anything with me. Endless meetings, and yet only throwaway comments about bits and pieces to me. So today I went to see the business manager, and told her I was thoroughly ticked off. Not upset. Mad. I think she had quite a shock. I have always done far more than I have been asked to do, and so already it is assumed I will be able to manage everything.
I am terrified I won't get it right. I really have no idea whether I will fall flat on my face. That would be excessively humbling, and is not out of the question. But I need to know that there is a firm foundation in place that I can rely on for advice or help, and if everyone has been too busy to talk to me in the past 2 weeks, it does not bode well for times of crisis. For example, I have not been given my teacher's laptop computer yet. I have no idea how to take the register electronically. It would only take a few minutes for someone to show me and do an idiot's guide, but that is what I need. And asked for 2 weeks ago. It could all have been done by now. Sigh.
Essentially, I just want to talk to the people who are above me in the chain, and to make sure what they are expecting of me, and how quickly, and to voice my reservations and doubts, so that they understand that this is really daunting for me. I am SO fallible. I have not got a clue what I am doing half the time. I have a suspicion that they think I can do it all. I have no idea. And it does not help at all to keep saying "you will be fine" because I won't be many times. I need to talk about the "won't be" times and what to do then. So, the end result is that they were all having MORE meetings this afternoon and tomorrow morning, and yes, I will teach. They did ask if I was going to. I suppose that is something.
I have said that I am okay with challenges before, haven't I? I am. I also know I have those hands guiding me. Without them, I might as well pull the duvet over my head at 6am tomorrow and stay in my nice cosy bed and pretend the world does not exist. I am so far out of my safety zone it is ridiculous. I am indeed walking on water. I mustn't look down. I mustn't look down.