Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Brace yourselves...

Let me introduce you to the newest summer look for the legs. You cannot be without one. It is a MUST for the fashionable woman.....

Hahahahahahahaha. Yes, the brace has landed. One apparently needs an engineering degree at the very least, or preferably a master's degree in rocket science to put it on. Correctly, that is.

Louise and I went to the hospital yesterday (in the rain) to get the brace fitted. I had 2 delightful nurses to do the fitting, and they told me to hop onto the table. I reclined as instructed. The conversation was hilarious. I asked them how long it took to learn how to do it. They told me about the 2 minutes they had been trying so far. Right. Experts then.

When they had it in place, they handed me this - the extras. This is like Ikea furniture. You know what I mean? There is always something left over at the end and you are left wondering what you have missed. Maybe something vital.

Anyway, we left, and I walked slowly out of the clinic area into the main hospital. Then I stopped. You know that feeling where you are sure you are losing control of the elastic in some vital under garments? The feeling of slow inevitable descent? Yeah. Right. So I turned round, hobbled back to the clinic and informed them it was heading south. Just tighten a few straps they said. Hmmmm.

I was wearing a skirt, and the fortunate part is that the skirt was long enough to hide it completely. Or should have been long enough. However, the descent continued, as we got to the car, and by the time I had made it into the house, I was trailing it beautifully around my ankle. This is a particularly fetching look, and one I highly recommend. My son was crying with laughter. I live to amuse.

So I looked in the bag of extras, and FOUND AN INSTRUCTION BOOK! Brand new! Never opened! Yes! I am a woman. We read instructions! Well, some of us do. Nurses, however, appear to skip this step.

Tell me - does this illustration look as though the person (who is carrying a SURFBOARD on the box, while wearing this contraption - I clearly need a surfboard. At once. ) is reclining on a couch??? I don't think so.

See why I mention those degrees in fancy things???

And then here is the actual instruction page. I do believe you are required to SIT. Not recline. And No. 3 clearly states that patients should be instructed in the proper use of the contraption. Hmmm.

And what is more, it is very important to put it on in the order listed. I have no idea why, but it is. And those 2 delightful nurses just started at opposite ends and slapped it on. It is absolutely no wonder at all that the wretched thing descended my leg like an avalanche, gathering speed all the time. No mention was made either, of the importance of re-adjusting it after 10-15 mins.

So I sat in my kitchen, with the glasses perched on the end of my nose, and followed every instruction. And you know what? It stayed in place! Eureka! It just took about 30 mins of trying to identify all the straps, which are marked with numbers. However, I do not have eyes in the back of my head, and reading those numbers when they are behind my leg is somewhat complicated and requires contortions not possible if one is not a circus performer. But I got there in the end. Hopefully I will get faster as I become more familiar with the mechanics.

What a pity the nurses did not consider reading the instructions first.

You may call me Robocop. I just need one of those very large ammunition propelling thingies and I will be all set to star in the next action adventure.

You will not be seeing a photo of me wearing it. I have some photos. Maybe it will look better if I wore high heels and fancy tights. Or glitter and tinsel. I am not going through one of my more elegant phases at the moment. Sigh.

But hey! I can SURF! The box says so! How far away is the sea.....


About me said...

WOW!I love hiking !
I must learn it very careful.Have you ever been China? especially some interesting places,like:mount huangshan,Mount taishan and others.
If you come to China,you can contact me and It will be great honour for me to introduce some great places.
BTW:Why not have a try my website:
to protect your eyes!

Janine said...

Remember the Van der Merwe joke about him writing to Tampax and complaining that, although he had tried their product, he still could not swim or ride a horse! Your brace is much fancier than the one I had a few years ago. Had the same problem with fitment - supposedly fitted correctly by the physio nogal and ended up with Andrew sorting it out. Good luck.

Diane@Diane's Place said...

Snazzy indeed.

Be sure you stay safely inside if it storms. You wouldn't want to find out if the brace also functions as a lightning rod. ;o)



Barb said...

So you're saying if you have one of these, you can surf? Good grief, who knew that's all it took to learn that sport.

Oh my. I know this is aggravating the daylights out of you, but honestly, I'm laughing out loud at your description of trying to get it put on properly. I think once I figured out how to get it on, I'd never take it off again.

You poor thing.

Edith said...

I am also laughing at your description of putting the brace on. I hope it does help - thanks for your humerous writing.

Have a great day

Needled Mom said...

Will this nightmare never end, Linds? I cannot believe all that you have had to go through with this. I was thrilled to read that you will be able to get the MRI soon. Perhaps we will eventually get closure on all of it after all.

Looking forward to the modeling pictures.

Olson Family said...

I wear one similar for snow skiing - as I tore up the knee previously (while skiing). Mine involved standing still in a slightly bent knee position so they could do a plaster cast - and continue standing so it can dry. With some lab technician who was NOT my husband wrapping plaster quite high up the leg. Now - I'm afraid to lose/gain any weight for fear this custom made contraption won't work properly.
Loved the humorous description - hope it really helps.

PEA said...

Oh wowwwww, where can I get myself one of those???? hehe Steve had to wear an air cast on his leg when he had the hard cast removed and although not as complicated as your contraption, I still would have needed quite a few lessons on how to put it on! lol I think it's awful these nurses weren't doing it the right way at wonder the patients leave more confused than ever before!!! No doubt you will learn to put it on in "2 minutes" but hey, you can at least go surfing now! hehehehehe xoxo

Sandra said...

LOL I'm sorry Linds, I don't mean to laugh but your description of putting it on is cracking me up.

Maybe it will look better if I wore high heels and fancy tights. Or glitter and tinsel.


Midlife Mom said...

Hey Linds, send me one of those, I've always wanted to know how to surf! We could go together and hold each other up! lol! Your writing is just so funny and refreshing, I just love it and wish that I had your wit! Thanks for always giving me a good chuckle, or belly laugh!

Jo said...

Hey Linds... glad that you are all hooked up with the surfing hardware. I am asking a personal favor here. I really would like a picture of you surfing....If that is out of the question how about a picture of you sporting the hardware around your ankle. You could send it to my e-mail and I won't post it to my blog(Crossing fingers, legs, and eyes as I typed that)...... Adding hardware does equal road to recovery, right?

Hugs atcha...

Dawn said...

Okay you MUST post a picture - no question about it. So sorry you're having such a time - but I cannot believe those nurses were so inept! Totally unacceptable.

Glad you are smarter than they - I hope the pain is less now that you have the device on properly.

I know you don't want to hear this, but maybe it will help - "Be Still and Know that I am GOD!" But I don't blame you for being impatient - 6 weeks for Pete's sake!

I thank Him for your friends who put together the money for the MRI - what a blessing!

Butterfly Mama said...

LOL...but in the kindest way. I love the way you wright a story. Just perfect...well now that the thing will stay up.

What time should we meet at the beach, dude??

Hugs and have a fabulous day!


Mary said...

That a girl! Well done. At least you had the attendance of two nurses. Nurses over here are so far and few in between that patients are given their own pain management pump - post major surgery. Not a nurse in sight!

Then again, two nincompoops!!!!!

Hope that the brace allows you to be a little more pain free and a little more mobile and a little more human and a little more active and a little more etc etc etc....

Surfs up.