I fell asleep on the couch at 7 last night. I was beyond shattered. Did Dell call??? What do you think? That would be right. They didn't.
I have called to make an appointment to see my GP today, and she is on holiday. The first appointment available is the 15th Sept. So I am seeing a locum, who appears to be Greek, this morning. Sigh.
You know, I sat there thinking in the waiting area at the hospital yesterday, holding a beeper in my hand, waiting for it to beep to tell me that "Wake Up! You are next!". (I hate the de-humanising of the medical services with a passion - all those nurses leaning on the desk chatting and laughing for the entire time I was waiting could easily have walked to the door and called me by name.) I thought about how I didn't want to be there. How I could pack up and depart without hesitation. How I was disillusioned and weary. How I, with all my verbal ability, intellect and daring, still couldn't get anything done. How enough was enough. I don't think I have ever been in such despairing place in my life.
Sure, it is the combination of a few years of "stuff" which has happened in my life. Teachers notoriously manage to make it through a term, and as soon as the holidays arrive, they get sick. In a sense, I am in the same situation. I have done what I set out to do. I have made it through David's schooling - holding everything together and keeping everything steady for him, and now he has finished, the walls are crumbling. A bit. His future now is not up to me. It is up to him. He will fly.
It has not been easy, you know. It has been diabolically difficult, if I am absolutely honest. Too hard at times. But I have got this far, doing what I had to do. And now I am sitting here, just as I was yesterday, in that waiting area, thinking - what now? What do I do now? I am tired of being a warrior. I am just tired. Full stop.
It is now evening and I am cooking as I write. No call from Dell. Useless visit to the doctor. Rest on the couch. Made apple sauce with some apples from the tree. Had calls from friends. Did I mention no call from Dell? I have emailed their customer services. Tomorrow their chief exec will get a letter from me detailing my ire. With a note saying the letter is to be published on the internet too.
And then my friend, Glynis arrived at the door, with a bag of things to cheer me up. She bought me a magazine, chocs, wine and fancy food bits as a treat to make up for the lousy day I had yesterday. What a wonderful surpirse. I was so thrilled.
And that has been the day. I am tired. Still.