Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Keeping it real...

Well. Sunday disappeared in a haze of pain. My head was exploding and I lay on a couch and refrained from all movement. Including breathing at times. Breathing requires movement. And yesterday I re-entered the world. Slowly.

You know, a while back here I wrote about how you need to beware of turning 50. I was right. I have been the most outrageously healthy woman all my life, and suddenly, I turned 50 and so help me, everything went pear-shaped, and I am closely resembling the caricatures of old people sitting in the doctor's surgery with a catalogue of ailments and bits that appear to be falling off. Whatever. I am not impressed. Or happy. I HATE being sick. I avoid being sick. I never admit I am sick. And in the same category goes the broken bit too. I HATE being broken. Dented. Injured. Incapacitated.

I LOATHE taking medicine. Pain killers. Stuff. I want to be out there taking care of myself and my family. And my friends. And the wider world. I want to be walking through forests on the Alps I love so much. I want to climb up the mountains, and stand on the top. I want to run through the fields. On the beach. I want to clamber over rocks and investigate rock pools. I want to do all the things I have always loved doing. I want to garden. Work on the allotment. Go for walks along the river. Run. I want to DO things. I want to crawl over the floor pinning quilts.

And yes, I know there is a great deal of the "I" and "WANT" there. Not to mention the loving pleasant words like hate and loathe. I know. I know. But the "I and want" are not getting tacked on to the acquisition of stuff. I don't want or need things. I just want to be able to move. To get back my independence. I want to be the one who goes and gets all the things my son needs for uni soon. I want to take him to get his results next week. I want to be the one who takes him to uni for the first time. I don't want other people to do it. I want to. I want to be able to drive again. NOW. I really do appreciate all the help being offered, but it is not the same. To me.

And, much though I dislike my job, I want to be able to work. I want to be out there living. I hate being slowed down, and having the crutch as an appendage.

As you can see, I am not coping with inactivity and discomfort very well. Not today. Mind you, not yesterday either. I also realise that on a scale of 1-10, this is a minor. It could be so much worse. I do feel like a fraud in so many ways. I feel fine. I look fine. I just actually can't walk properly. People who don't see me often assume all is well. It has been 6 weeks, after all. I have had some calls asking me to please collect people from nearby towns. To go and babysit. To go out for meals. All assuming I can do things like drive. I can't drive at the moment, for heaven's sake. The doctor said no. And because I am also the world's worst passenger, this is also a trial. I am a control freak. I need to be behind the wheel. In control. I am also finding it impossible to ask for help. I mean, I have friends who all say - just tell me what you want. Oh yes. Great. I have made one or 2 calls in the past few weeks and if there is no answer, or if they are busy, I stop immediately and try to work out how I can do it myself. I hate asking. HATE it.

This is turning into one mega moan. Tough. It is grey and damp outside, I spilt make-up on my favourite top this morning and I cannot get it out, even after scrubbing, soaking, stain removing etc. I am still waiting for a call re the brace. In fact, I think I am going to start tracking that down this morning.

And yet there is something really special which happened on Sunday. The "non" day. From my letterbox, I collected an envelope, stuffed with enough money for a private MRI scan. From my friends. How cool is that. Incredibly special. I don't have to wait any more. I have every reason to celebrate and be thankful, and the moaning has to stop.

The blessings outweigh the trials. She says through gritted teeth. I need to work on the gritted teeth bit. I find it hard to receive. So hard. I am better at the giving bit. I need to work on a few things like grace and humility and thanksgiving, and to accept my limitations for now. If ever there was a time to acknowledge that I am "a work in progress", this is it.

The essence of the problem, people, is that I am not in control. Of anything right now. I am so far out of my comfort zone that it is no joke. I am used to fixing things. Not to being the one needing fixing.

And right now, I appear to be in the middle of a toddler temper tantrum, tossing my toys out of the pram. (Note the alliteration - I couldn't think of an appropriate "t" for the end. Tepee?)

Maybe more coffee would help. I will be back later in a better mood. I hope.


Vee said...

Coffee always helps...a little. Venting can help, too. There have been these vile times in my own life so it's the ebb and flow of things, Linds. We have the rough patches at the most inopportune times. Things will get better. They will. Now, in the meantime, repeat my most recent mantra when good things are coming my way..."Welcome it, welcome it, welcome it, welcome it." You'll be the giver again one day very soon. (I want to hug your wonderful friends.) You'll be the one taking your son to university, I'm sure of it.

Janine said...

Isn't it good to know that you have awesome friends? I can understand how you feel frustrated by the lack of control - I think that you and I are fairly similar in a lot of ways and that is something that used to drive me crazy - and to other things which I won't mention here! I have learned to let go and let God and just to trust that everything will be alright. I know that it sounds easier to do than it actually is but give it a try anyway.Control is always an illusion that helps us to cope. Learn to rely on your friends more - they love you and want to help. Be strong. Love

Edith said...

I can so relate to hating to ask for help - trying to figure out how to do things yourself. I've been there and done that also...

So thankful for your friends who were able to bless you with the funds for a private MRI. Looking forward to hearing the results...and the plan for moving ahead.

Have a blessed day.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes, it's so hard to be the receiver instead of the giver. At a particular time in our lives, we were the receivers and it was hard until a little old lady shared this idea with us. We were always givers, helping when and where we could. Sounds like you. Well, we were blessed by helping and doing. Who were we to deny others the opportunity to be a blessing to others? Were we going to deny a blessing to others by not receiving their gifts or by not properly receiving them? It's just your time to be the blessed, not the blesser. Incredibly, it is actually kind of hard to do that, Isn't it? I really appreciate your honesty and your feelings. You've had a hard time, but as others have said..it'll pass. We all love you and pray for your good health to return soon. Vicky

Anonymous said...

How wonderful to have such caring friends. I'm not sure what they charge for an MRI in England but in the U.S. it entails giving up either an arm or leg or both.

I agree with Vicky-this is your time to recieve and for others to recieve the blessing of being able to help.

What is it they say ...when you feel the most out of control is when God is able to do his best work.
My friends always tell me..sit down shut up and let me help you and all you have to do is smile and say Thank You.

I'll be praying that you'll be able to take your son to his school.


Judith said...

Linds, That your friends would do this great thing for you about the MRI says wonderful things about you.

I so understand the upset and anger for how your injury's been tossed around, and having to be on the receiving end of all this is extremely hard for those of us whov'ed been helping others most of our lives. I will be praying God sends whatever you most need, to get through this. Am eager to learn the MRI results.

Sandra said...

You certainly have amazing friends, that's wonderful :)

Barb said...

I agree with everyone else - your friends are wonderful. I'm so glad you can get the private MRI done. You've certainly done enough waiting.

I totally understand how you feel, Linds. If I were incapacitated and had to ask othres to do for me, it would make me extremely uncomfortable too.

Now let's see what you find out from that MRI - I hope it's something that's easily repaired and you can get on with your life again soon.

Meantime, you really do have some wonderful friends.

Brenda@CoffeeTeaBooks said...

Yes, coffee and venting do help and are necessary once in awhile.

I get SO frustrated with physical limitations at times.

2nd Cup of Coffee said...

Sorry you're having a tough time of it. I'm 45, so I'm experiencing some changes, too. Not just the pear stuff, but also the hot flash stuff. I'm sorry you can't move around easily. And I do hope coffee helps; I'd love you to come join me for a 2nd Cup!

Diane@Diane's Place said...

After all you've been through in the last 6 weeks, and are STILL going through, I think you're allowed to throw a fit and have the grumps for a while.

They (whoever THEY are!) that adversity builds character. Personally, I'd rather have less character, just to be honest here.

Here's to a better day tomorrow, and to getting that MRI done SOON! And God bless your dear friends for their generous hearts. :o)

Love and hugs,


Carole Burant said...

Hello dear Linds:-)

Just got back from visiting my sons and now trying to catch up with everybody! Oh dear, it doesn't sound like you were having a good day but then I don't blame you at all for feeling that way. When I went through the agoraphobia for 11 years when I couldn't go out and had to rely on everyone else to do things for me like grocery shopping, etc, I absolutely hated having lost my independence!!!! So you see, I DO understand. I wanted to be able to go out and enjoy life like other people did...but I couldn't. Having agoraphobia was very debilitating, just like your injuries are for you...the good news though...it DOES get better!! I know it's easier said than done but hang in there. In the meantime, rant and rave...you're allowed:-) xoxo

smilnsigh said...

So sorry for your troubles but... At last, someone else saying "Watch out for turning 50!" Yes! I remember it with terror myself!

And I've seen this same syndrome or whatever, with others.

Hmmm, what is it with 50? Yish!

Miss Mari-Nanci

At A Hen's Pace said...

I would feel the same way--I HATE being sick or laid up in any way. I have a bias for action--as you do too, it's clear!

God knows--and He does teach us things through these times that we couldn't learn any other way, right? Like resting, receiving, waiting...not our strong points. :)