Friday, June 17, 2011

A hole from nowhere.......

My day did not have a stellar start. I didn't sleep well, you see. Not until 6am and then I fell into a deep deep sleep and woke when the phone rang at 9am. Just as well it rang, or I would probably have slept the day away, and there was washing to be done etc etc etc.

And then I went to survey the garden, yanked out a giant weed, lost my balance, tripped over the grow-bag, stood on the cucumber plant, broke a pot. And came back indoors to make more coffee and contemplate the wisdom of returning to bed. As I do not in any way shape or form resemble a fairy, the cucumber may have met its maker.

Oh well.

Then I got a letter from the lawyer detailing all sorts of lawyer-y type of things I need to do, and I shoved it back in the envelope and decided next week would be fine. I don't want to know today. Why on earth can't things be simple? They made a mistake? He died? Admit it? Sort it? Over? Done?

As I said, the day has not been stellar so far. Energy levels seem to have bottomed out. I need that magic wand right now, so if anyone has a spare one, please send it my way asap.

David got his results yesterday, and I am happy to announce that he passed and will be graduating next month. I am SO proud of him. He did it. He worked hard. He has a degree in Forensic Biology.

You know, even though I am not the one who worked hard, learned, passed the exams, this is as much about me as it is about him, and maybe that has something to do with the mood today......

When Geoff died, all I could think of was needing to keep everything going while David finished school, and getting him to university, and surviving. He repeated his second last year at school because having your Dad die makes a difference to your exam results. And I found a job, ended up teaching, and got him through the last 2 years of school. Then I wrecked my knee, but he went off to university, and here we are. (Most of you have been along for the ride, because RCR really started around that time. It will be 5 years in a couple of weeks since the skies fell in. It has not always been easy....)

We made it. He did it. I got here.

His father would have been so proud.

It has been the primary focus of my life, in a way. Those people in Bath at the hospital know what they are talking about. In a sense. They have been very concerned about how I will cope when the hospital fight is over, because they said it would leave an enormous hole in my life. They were right. However, it appears that the biggest hole has opened up in front of me right now, and it is not the hospital. I wonder if it ever has been, because I have been detached from that for a long time now. Yes, I know all the facts and all the details and all the intricacies and I wish I didn't, but I have managed to relegate that to the back of my mind, and let God take the strain. He knows all about justice, and His timing is better than mine. What will be will be. And whatever happens, I will survive. Flourish. Grow. (Maybe that cucumber will too, now I come to think of it. Battered and bashed....)

No. The great big gaping hole I am teetering on the edge of today is the one which is the most important of all. From the moment Geoff died, my children were the only focus I needed. The reason for getting up and living, and looking ahead, not back. And back then, the hospital thing hadn't even started, remember. I kept plodding on, one step, day at a time, with one thing in mind. Give David every educational opportunity and the support he needed to reach maturity, just as his brother and sister had received. Time to be 17, 18, 19 and so on without the weight of the world on his shoulders. I am not talking about money as much as I am talking about emotional support, encouragement, belief, and all the multitude of other parental things we give our children as they grow up. The love goes without saying, of course. Where there were once two, there was/is only one. Me. And, necessary or not - because he is remarkably resilient, mature, and rock solid, it has been my focus.

Only I forgot. I was so busy focusing and doing that I forgot what I was doing and why. And today, there is this unanticipated hole in front of me. Well, hello. I didn't expect this.

My job as a mother will never be over. It is a lifetime thing. And I am delighted it is too. It changes daily, this mothering business. But it never ends. However, I now have 3 adult children who are educated and making their own choices and living their own lives. He joins his brother and sister, and no doubt will surprise me as much as they have. Delight me. Make me smile.

Time to step back a little and demonstrate the trust I have in my kids. Let them forge their own paths through the jungle we call life. He has the tools now. He will be just fine.

And me? I have to find my way around the perimeter of that hole, you see. I have no intention of falling into it. There may be tears of relief that it is over. But I will be smiling as they fall - I made it. Thank God. See, Geoff? I told you it would be ok, and that we would manage. Be just fine. And that you could go and head towards that light, and not look back. David did it. And I managed to pilot this little family round all those rocks and hidden dangers.

Educate my son. Tick the box.


Vee said...

You have done so very well, Linds. I doubt that you will allow any gaping holes to be left unfilled. There is a grandgirlie, more to come, I'm sure, a sister, a mother, friends galore, and who knows the possibilities? They are endless. I can say this with surety knowing how God works. It's just His way. Geoff is very proud. I can say that, too, because someone once told me that the curtain between heaven and earth is opened at such moments.

Now, I do hope that you'll indulge yourself with a nap today at the very least. No sleep is no good.

Patti said...

Way to go Mom, you did good. Not easy, I know. Now on to good and even better things. I have a little fence around my little garden and everytime I step over it, I almost fall. Such fun, this older age thing. Oh well, it is what it is.

Needled Mom said...

Congratulations to both of you, Linds. It is always interesting and challenging at times to see the twists and turns that our lives take. Now is your time to find your passion with the children taking flight. You will find yourself making ground AWAY from that great hole.

Helen in Switzerland said...

You should be very proud Linds - of David and of yourself too. You have clearly done an excellent job. I understand the hole too - but trust in God, take one day at a time, enjoy the little things and you will get through....oh and visit your sister in Switzerland again and we can meet up and drink tea and I will learn from your wisdom (because you very clearly are wise, you know!). Thinking of you!

Kelli said...

Oh,sweet sweet friend of my heart. I feel like we have been navigating these last five years together, and have never thought about this like you have said. I have always wondered about once the hospital thing was over for you and transplant was over for me- what then? but, i never thought about what happens once David was done with uni. I am praying for you. That is all I can do. But, know I love you more than you know. You have wound yourself around my heart forever. And I am thrilled to have you there. We will muddle through together. You and I. And God. Hold each other up when we need to, be held in return.

Stripeyspots said...

I do understand what it means to work so hard for something and when it happens, although you are pleased, you are left a little empty and dazed. Your new project will sidle its way into your life before you know it. Lots of love and good thoughts to you though...

Becky said...

This was pure gold to read. What incredible thought processes you have, Linds. I read some of it to Barry. Congratulations on so many levels. Now it's your turn to fly.

Congratulations to David, as well!!

At A Hen's Pace said...

It's good to hear of David's accomplishment--and yours! You have so much to be proud of and grateful for. I know that you will navigate the next phase of life as brilliantly as you have handled the last 5 years!