Saturday, February 04, 2012

Did I mention the COLD?????

The frozen water in my garden potting tray
Are you sick of me saying it is cold yet?? Well, it is COLD. But nothing like as cold as in Engelberg where the temps have been down there around -30C at times. -40C in Siberia. My sister would laugh at me saying this is cold, but our homes are not as well heated or built as theirs, so that is why I am a trifle chilly. If you could just see me now - sitting here in coat and boots and gloves, and yes, the heating is on. But I am still cold.

Jean and I ventured out to Costco this morning, and the sun was shining and the skies were bright. By the time we came home things were very different. And we are due to have snow this afternoon and tonight. So the country will be grinding to a halt tomorrow. (I just looked. It is falling as I speak.)



I have been thinking. (Usually a dangerous thing to do.)

I was at a course last night, and the challenge was to see life in technicolour. Not in greys. There was a basket of possibilities handed around at the end of the evening and everyone pulled out a piece of paper, with something written on it. Things which may sound simple, but which can be actually quite a challenge. We can dream. And dream big too. We can do things, which suddenly we realise we may have stopped doing. I grinned at some of the other ladies' slips of paper - I have started doing some of them already. Go swimming - check. Book a holiday - yep, done that. Write a book - hmmm. Go on a hot air balloon ride - check. Sing in a choir - check. Cook a meal for friends - check. Go on a bus journey (aka have an adventure!) - I can do the adventure bit, but the bus? Maybe not right now. I will wait for my bus pass which will come when I am in my dotage. And mine? Go abroad on holiday.

Well, of course I want to fly off into the wild blue yonder. It will soon be 2 years since I saw my daughter. But to some of those lovely ladies, the thought of doing something new was terrifying. So hard. I understand that so well. It has taken me a while to restore the confidence levels here.

There are days when I wake up - and I am sure this happens to everyone at times, and the world is seems grey. And there are times when I would be hard pressed to be able to understand that what I am SEEING through the filters of the mood I am in, is not the reality of what is there in front of my eyes. If I am not feeling chirpy and Linds-like, this is what I see, for example.

 Is this what the world looked like that day? No. But when I am not full of hope and joy and faith then yes, this is what I would see. And believe it to be. Feel. It happens. The emotions, the mental strength or lack of it, the attitude, the pain - they all combine to colour the world. Or bleed the world of colour, to be more precise.

 See, a little bit of light creeps in as soon as I pull myself together and start believing that I am blessed and thankful to be so in so many ways. That it is okay to dream. That every day brings new opportunities. Hope.
And when I start grinning, and trying to twirl around my leki pole in an ungainly fashion, I blink and the colours start to brighten.
THIS is the reality. This is what the world sees. 

But sometimes, I don't. I certainly try to. I want to live in a technicolour world. I want to soak up the beauty around me, the colours, the vibrancy which disappears so suddenly into the gloom of greyness,  Sometimes, it is very hard to keep focused on the good, you know. Sometimes, I get so weary, and then the pain wins and the world goes grey. 


I am one of the lucky ones. I am surrounded by the people who love me. And I win more than the pain does. Or the weariness. I am learning to recognise limits. I am not thrilled to acknowledge that they even exist, but they do. My super-heroine cape has been retired for now. 

And I am just Linds. That will do nicely. I am more than enough for me to cope with. 

Have a great weekend!

(And if the above made no sense to you whatsoever, that is ok - pop back tomorrow for more discussion of the COLD and maybe the SNOW. And what I may or may not be cooking for lunch!!)


Vee said...

Wow. My photography book arrived today. Having spent the largest chunk of the day with my nose in it and with experimenting, I very much appreciate the discussion you have started here about the way we see our world. Some days are better than others in that regard, though it does not change the fact that the color is always there. Always. Thank you for putting your thoughts to words for all of us out here whose brains hurt to even try.

Kelli said...

I have to absorb this. I have been in grey for so long, that I honestly do not know if color will ever come back.