Three days into the New Year, and I have not posted a thing here. Well done, Linds. A great start. It has been a busy time, and I have been thinking about the future, and the present, not to mention a little bit about the past, and pondering the word I want to choose for this year. I have, in other words, been "doing" not "being".
I have just been back to the start of last year to see what I wrote about choosing a word. I didn't say much. Hmmm. Just as well, because I was spectacularly bad at remembering my word. This year, please remind me if I forget. I need reminders. Often.
So, like Linda, I am choosing the word "quiet" this year.
Pop over and read her post. I could have said all the things she said so well. And in my comment afterwards, I wrote ....
"Linda, this should be my word too. I have been thinking and praying about it, but there is so much noise in my life, and mostly generated by me, I think. Your verse sums up what I need to be saying too, because last year, my word was hope, and I kept forgetting it. Today I was mulling over the words simple, listen, silence, patience, slow, peace and acceptance. Maybe the word I need to hear is "quiet". It encompasses all of those. I need to pray more. I will let you know. I am a warrior type. And I need to be more of a Mary, and forget the Martha. Am I making any sense at all? Sigh. Silence. Quiet.....where do I find it at the moment.... not easy."
Simple. Peace. Silence. Patience. Acceptance. Listen. Slow. Add them all together, and you get QUIET. No more fighting. No more warrior stuff. But stepping back and waiting. Patience is not my strong suit. I talk too much. I keep moving. Acceptance on two levels. One, that I will probably never get better. So deal with what I have, and count my (many) blessings. And two, wait. Be patient, and let the professionals fight on for me with the hospitals, instead of trying to search for answers and that sort of stuff. Hands off. Accept that I can't do it all. Retreat to the couch, and practice listening, waiting, and patience. And you never know, if I can master the quietness, I may one day reach that illusive goal of serenity. One lives in hope.
I can tell you now that the doctors at Bath will throw their hands in the air and yell "Eureka! She has got it at last!" and the friends who run the Mindfulness course I went on will grin, and say, "This is what we are talking about!"
Ok, so I am a little slow seeing the point. I admit that.
I have spent my life making things happen. And this year, I am going to try to let things happen without me in the driving seat. For a born control freak, this is a mega challenge. But if I embrace silence, and listen, I think I will finally hear more of the soft words I long for. Instead of making so much noise that I can't hear myself think. (Good grief, that sounds ridiculous when I re-read it. But I know what I mean.) And maybe I will finally conquer the pacing quest.
My accomplishments of 2010 are pitifully small. I learned to crochet, and I love it. I have become used to living on a shoestring and am an expert on frugality. I also ended the year with stripey hair. No-one can say I am boring. Among the highlights of 2010, being able to spend some time with Diana is top of the list. There were others things too of course. Being able to visit friends in Scotland. See my family. Be in the mountains.
And now there is a brand new year ahead, with so many possibilities. So many dreams. So this year, instead of the disastrous start we had to 2010 with Mum in hospital and Glynis breaking bones, and Diana in hospital, I sincerely hope it is calmer. Tranquil. Peaceful.
Oh Lord, what a challenge.