Hello. I am here. This has been a crazy weekend. Again. I thought I would be sitting in my lounge relaxing right now. Instead I am at a friend's home, looking after her, as she is not well. It is late, and I will probably stay the night, to make sure she is ok.
Today we were up early, as Ros and Martyn were here from Glasgow, and said they would pop in for coffee early. They did, and we did some catching up, before they left to see their parents and deliver parcels. Then Mum, David and I whizzed down to Andrew and Ann in London for lunch, bearing our parcels. We got there in record time, and had a lovely lunch with them, and spent the afternoon chatting and just enjoying all being together. They also put their tree up yesterday so it was all very Christmassy too. Ginny popped round with the most beautiful fruit cake she had made for us, and a basket of spring bulbs as well. Thanks so much Ginny!
Then back in rain and howling gales and traffic from hell to drop David at Liz to help move stuff, and home. The tree looks really lovely, and all the other decorations I am putting up are in place. 2 Mins to put the kettle on, and the phone rang and it was my friend to say she had had a lousy day, please could I feed the dogs. So I came, sorted the hounds, and settled her, and went back home. An hour later, her daughter called me to say she had just spoken to her mum and please could I go back, so here I am. Everything is ok, and she is asleep, so I found the computer and decided to say hello.
I have been sitting in the conservatory thinking. You know, this is a reminder of how I have always been lucky enough to have had the time to be there for my friends when I have been needed. I am the one people called to fix things, or help or sort. Until now. And now I am working, and I can't be there for everyone any more. I am finding this hard. I have been on the phone sorting out people to step in tomorrow if they are needed, but I am the one who usually does this. It should be me. I want it to be me. But I can't be everywhere, and so I am feeling a little displaced. By myself, if you see what I mean. Not in a controlling way, but it feels like I am losing part of who I am. I don't want to not be able to help (and I know all about double negatives!) And I am thinking of all the friends I usually have time to talk to, to listen to and who I have not spoken to in the last 2 weeks. Now I feel more guilty. I don't want anything to be more important than the people who matter to me. They need to come first. So how do I get the balance right? This is going to be a challenge. I need to get it right.
I am also aware that I am so busy at the moment, and have so much going on in my head, that I am shelving the tough stuff. I don't have time to grieve or be sad. And I have a sneaking suspicion that this is not that good. I wish I had just some of the answers. I wish I knew if I was doing the right thing. I just have to trust and keep plodding on.