Bureaucracy. I hate it. So does the rest of the world, I suspect. I have been dealing with bureaucracy this morning. Departments who lose forms. Can't find any of the documents I send. Close claims. Suspend whatsits. So I got in the car after numerous unreturned phone calls, and presented myself at the doors of the Big Place Where Bureaucrats Work. And I managed to see a wonderful lady who has given me detailed instructions of what to do next. I had planned to storm the building in search of my documents if all else failed, so they got off lightly. I also have the name and phone number of the Big Boss. And then I came home and started on more forms and more phone calls.
What I have not told you is that Geoff's inquest may have to be re-opened. New evidence. This requires mega upheaval, and things like fiets and permission from the attorney general. And it appears after a phone call I made this morning, that I apparently know more than even the Coroner's officer investigating the whole thing. Research. I am really good at that. So that is a little peek at what may well lie ahead for me. This time, though, I will have a lawyer do it. A step too far for me and a whole lot more complicated, not to mention that there are others involved and this will inevitably arouse considerable interest in the Pr*ess.
Over the past 3 years, and yes, it is nearly 3 years since he died, I have had to don a legal hat I never wanted to wear. And I swear I really regret not training as a barrister. It would have made a lot of things a lot simpler. But I didn't, and there is no use wailing, so I do the best I can. I want it to be over. Finished. It is way too long. And it has been a traumatic and devastating time for me and for my children. It is time. And I will do what I can to make that time come as soon as possible.
Then - finally - I can allow myself to actually start the grieving process which I have squashed away in a dark hole somewhere for so long. I know the answers now, I think. They do not make pretty reading. But I will have done everything and more he would have expected me to do.
So you see, the stress levels have been up there in the stratosphere, and blogging about every day stuff has been very difficult. How I long for the time when I do not have to edit every word I write, or thought I have. I heard about this, by the way, the same time that ridiculous doctor told me I had CRPS - or as he so succinctly put it - "something is wrong in your brain". Well, there is nothing wrong with my brain. But the combination of the 2 things together has been cataclysmic. I am just an ordinary woman. My limits of endurance have been very sorely tried indeed. One day soon, though, it will be over. I will not allow them to drag things out any more. The line has been crossed.
Don't you just love all the cliches?? I could come up with dozens.
I had no intention of writing all this today. I am off to aqua in a second, and I will hopefully return with some amusing prattle.