Sunday, March 25, 2007

Yawn

I am here, you know. I have written posts most days and then I don't post them after all. I think I am soon going to have as many drafts sitting there as I have published posts. Sigh. Why? Well that depends on the day and the mood.

I have never been as exhausted as I have been in the past 6 weeks, and as I have said before, I am still trying to find the balance in my life now that I am working full time. I am not complaining, just wondering if this is really what I am supposed to be doing, that's all. Pondering. Cogitating. Mulling things over. Ad infinitum. And because I am so tired, I fall asleep in the middle of all the mental musing, ( and that has to be because I bore myself,) and then I never get to the stage where I see things clearly enough to make decisions, so we start all over again the next time I decide to weigh options. From the beginning. See????? Boring stuff.

The excitement of the day was when I boiled some eggs, and forgot about them, and they exploded. Do you have any idea how far exploding eggs can go? My kitchen reeks of the bits I have not discovered. Not the greatest. Oh, I vacuumed the house and I did the washing......... oops just forgot to put son's school uniform in the drier. I will be back in a sec. Done. And went to church. And worked. You need to hear all this. I am superwoman after all. I even combined all the leftovers into an interesting casserole this afternoon, and put it on to cook slowly, and then forgot to eat supper. See????? Something is not working properly here, and that would be me.

One of the things I am trying to work out is why I am finding it harder by the day to smile or laugh. Those of you who know me, know that this is not me at all. The work is hard, but that is what I expected. The kids are difficult, and I expected that too (but then I underestimated JUST how difficult they would be). I prepare as much as I can, but at the end of the day, I feel like I have been run over by a steam roller. I am an optimist and an idealist by nature, and the reality I work in tests that to the limit.

But, as the head of department from another school said to me this week.... it is just a job. Don't let it ruin your health.

It has just occurred to me that I wrote the post a while back about those plus and minus signs, and I need to listen to my own advice. I need to top up the plus signs. Falling asleep all over the place is not going to do it, especially when the clocks went forward this morning, and we lost an hour of sleep today. I need to get out there and get a life of some description. At least then, when my daughter phones and asks (as she did this evening) what I have been doing, I will actually have something to say. And something of an interesting nature to blog about too. Watch this space, and feel free to remind me of this.

I need a transfusion of rocket fuel.

5 comments:

Isabelle said...

Oh dear, how I sympathise about school teaching. I did it for 6 years, before I had the children, and I would never do it again. Most of the kids were fine, but there were always some that would ruin the day, even if only in prospect. I went in every day of that six years with a tight knot in my stomach.

After I went back to work, it was to an FE college, and that's where I've stayed. There are very few discipline problems (though there are a few, now that the government has little schemes to allow 15-year-olds to come to college - it's not the geniuses who come!)Mainly, if students don't want to come to college, they stay in bed. Then a few years later, when they're motivated to learn, they come. It's great.

If there's an FE college near you that has your subject on the curriculum, I'd strongly recommend it.

Failing that, you could indeed try remembering that it's just a job. But it's a hard one. My heart goes out to you. On the other hand, it'll soon be the holidays!

Linda said...

Oh Linds - I think all of this is perfectly understandable. You are going through so much change, and that in and of itself is exhausting emotionally and every other way. When we're tired, it's really hard to be our usually optimistic selves. Just give yourself a bit more time. Perhaps you just need time to adjust to all the change in your life. I pray the Lord will give you rest and peace and strength and grace for each day. And that those kids will shape up a bit :-)
Take care Linds.

Heidi said...

HI there...I'll take that transfusion but I'm not sure it'd be safe while pregnant LOL!!!!

Barb said...

Exploding eggs. Ugh. I can't imagine. The worst thing I ever exploded in my kitchen was a two liter bottle of Coke and let me tell you, THAT was a big sticky mess for days before I tracked it all down.

It really sounds to me like the working full time is what's thrown you out of balance. I hope that with time, you'll become more comfortable with the change in your routine that a full time job forces. I don't know what to tell you about the working conditions - I've had many a job in my life where the whole climate was uncomfortable. I think the one piece of advice I heard most often was to try to leave it behind me when I left work. That's hard to do, I know. But if you can just shut it down, mentally, when you're not there, and focus on things you enjoy on your off time, that might help you.

Susie said...

Hi Linds,
I can't tell you how many times in the last few days I've seen the word "balance" in a post. Seems like many of us are struggling with this.
Since I've been retired, I find myself wondering how I worked and got anything outside of work done. I just am "working" at trying to keep everything on my life on track.
((hugs))