Thursday, October 23, 2008

A walking contradiction.....

There is a great deal going on in my mind - well, there always is, if I am truthful. What you see on the surface doesn't always reflect what is happening inside. How true that is of almost everyone, though, to one degree or another.

My mind is a heaving mass of contradictions. I dream of adventures, and I dream of being home. I dream of distant places, and I dream of remodelling my bathroom. I think of becoming a nomad, and I consider how much I want to spend my time watching my granddaughter grow up. I need to be near my family, but they are all over the world. I dream of fireplaces, and the gardens I will plant, and I think of the mountain paths I want to wander. I decide I don't want any more stuff, and my Amazon wish list is now in double digit pages. I start a diet, and I start baking.

See? Contradictions. I am a contradiction. I am at war with myself at times. I think of lawyers, and I decide to walk away. I dream of walking away and I think of lawyers. I want to be able to go back to work. But I don't want to be working. I want to run, but I am afraid of damaging myself even more. I love my friends, but my friends are the safe option. I want to meet new people, but then I love my security. Peacemaker/warrior. Friends/strangers.

In essence, I want to live. Really live. Not just the exist part. Just live each day to the full. Wherever that may be. Because there is just me, I am the one who has to make things happen. So I need to step out of the comfort zone and try something new. Or decide that here is good and get used to the idea of staying put. Happily. Familiar/new.

One minute, I am talking about going to see the Aurora Borealis, and then next, I am deciding what to plant on the allotment next year. Part of me wants to go out and buy a VW campervan and paint daisies on the sides, and take to the roads like a gypsy of the 21C. The other wants to build my log cabin with triple glazing, a sleeping platform, huge great room with wood burning stove, sewing space and enormous couches. Piles of books. Quilts. And stay there forever. And have friends to stay. Gypsy/ homebody. Explorer/nester. Log cabin/camper van.

I want to quad bike with Crystal, walk round the lakes with Morning Glory, explore the beauties of Fall with Vee, sit on the beach with Susie, watch the children play with Sandra, discover the fjiords with Britt-Arnhild. I want to explore South Island with my daughter, and I want my sons to feel they can come home any time. Global trot/homefires. Dreams/reality.

I am in a unique position among the people I know. All I have to lose is the security. And who am I to place my idea of security in a pile of bricks and mortar? I certainly don't want to spend the rest of my life trying to keep the wretched bricks and mortar together, at the expense of my dreams.

When I finally end up in a rocking chair in the old age home, I absolutely want to be the one with the stories to tell of what I did, where I went, who I met, what I saw, what I found, how I laughed, what I learnt and how I lived. I do NOT want to have done nothing worthy of remembering with a grin. Nor do I want to have sacrificed my idea of life for society's norms.

I want to laugh. To love. To live.

There is a little part of me which longs to be outrageous. Maybe I should let it out to play.


Sandra said...

I absolutely LOVED this post. You know Linds, I think what holds us back from doing a lot of the things we want to do, is fear. Because to just step out and take a chance takes a lot of courage and sometimes we're not ready for that, we're not ready to take that step knowing that life will be completely different afterwards.

I'm trying to learn to leave that behind and go with my heart, it's hard but I'm sure one day I'll achieve that courage and get to do some of the crazier things I've always wanted to do.

Huge hugs,

Susan said...

You have written well of the human turmoil of the soul for all of us. Mickey & I have been ones who have pretty much "gone for our dreams" and we have never regreted it. Even when it meant visiting several emergency rooms on the way!!!

Susie said...

Great posts Linds,
Perhaps it's our time of life to be having so many mixed emotions. I know Bill and I discuss many of these same things. You've expressed it in a far more eloquent way than I ever could.
I do hope we'll someday walk on a beach together though!

Dawn said...

You have such a gift for putting thoughts and feelings into words. I am afraid that I just want to stay put, with a few trips on the side! I don't have much adventure in my soul. I love security. I am pretty pathetic that way!

But I would LOVE it if you would come and visit when you step out into that new adventure of yours!


Janine said...

Great post, Linds.
I can relate.
Hmmmm, I think I would love to join you on one of these adventures.
Sounds like it would be an adventure in and of itself!

Vee said...

Wow! What a post. I'll be back later to comment again.

Diane@Diane's Place said...

I think we all have those feelings running amok in us, Linds. It just depends on which one you give in to at the time, doesn't it?

Thanks for helping me celebrate my birthday. It's friends like you that make this a special day.

Hope you're having a great day!

Love and big hugs,


Olson Family said...

Thank you for the post - I'm not the only one running around with multiple lifetimes in my head either?
A time to laugh, a time to mourn.
A time to be outrageous....?
Why not?

Vee said...

It's evening now and I've returned. There was a great honking of a car horn in the yard when I was here mother. We had a date to go see a new shop that just re-opened in town. I wanted to stay here with you. I wanted to go see the shop. You see, we've all got these push-me/pull-yous in our heads, but gosh, Linds, you described it so well. I spend much of my time just nodding my head in assent as I read your words.

Oh, do come and enjoy all that autumn has to offer sometime. Wouldn't that be grand fun?!

Carole Burant said...

Oh, Linds, you have put into words so many of the mixed emotions I have in my own life...I find as I get older, I want to move on and explore the world...I want to release the bonds that hold me...I want to be free to do as I please...and yet here I stay, wishing and thinking and yet never doing. Hopefully we will make our dreams come true...before it's too late! xoxo

Linda said...

I just want to agree with everyone else. I think perhaps there is a bit of that in all of us to one degree or another. Perhaps it is possible to have both - the adventure and the security of the familiar things we love. I am excited to see where your journey leads you Linds.

Crystal said...

Yes - come, come, come!!! We can ride into the mountains or along the rivers or over the fields - it will be such fun!!

Your quandry sounds like mine! And I'm hoping that we can do some of both but my thoughts are based on having a partner and now 3 grandkids. Is there any reason you can't travel a spell and then come home a spell and then cuddle the granddaughter a spell and so on and so on? Ah - finances, you say?!! Ah, yes - reality strikes again! But even one special place every year or two and the soul may be happier. Good luck with the living!

And you are such a gifted writer! You never cease to amaze me with your thoughts and posts.
((( HUGS )))

P.S. Off to Helayna's second birthday party this weekend - oh, time flies!

meggie said...

I know just how you feel! I used to want opposites all the time. Now I am older, & I suppose, less active, I crave less active pursuits. I would still love to travel though.

Needled Mom said...

You write what we all feel at this point in our lives. Perhaps it is a frequent emotion felt by all of us as we get older and do not want to escape this world and feel as though we have missed out on something.

I am just hoping that I still have my mind to remember all that I did when I find myself in that rocking chair. Until then I will try to be happy doing whatever I am doing.

Mary said...

"The secret of health for both mind and body is to live the present moment wisely and earnestly."

You have had some fabulous adventures in the past - and it has been thrilling to read them. At the moment you are stuck with an injured knee - bound to get you down.

I believe that you will find a way to fulfill all your dreams - even if it means getting a flower power van with triple glaze and a big sleeping platform that can accommodate all your family (especially the grand kiddy) friends and new people you are yet to meet along the way.

Be patient. There is way too much life in you to be worried about the possible lack of stories to share from your rocking chair.

Joyful Days said...

I really liked this post, Linds.

someone else said...

I'll repeat what the other commenters have said: You said it so well for all of us. I loved this post!!

And wouldn't it be delightful to walk around the lake and sit on the dock??

julia said...

A log cabin, yes!
This post echoes my own aspirations perfectly